I wanna get iiiiinked :S

Day thirty eight:
A picture of a tattoo you'd like to get.

Today again, there's two. My indecision is beginning to come out in this blog ... oh dear.

First one:

I've always loved the idea of a cross on my wrist. So valuable to me.

Second one:

Tattooing wedding bands is I think one of the coolest things. I mean, I'd still want an actual wedding band, you know, for the ceremony and things but knowing that I'd never be able to take off my wedding ring is a neat thing to me.

Now I'm off to ready for work - I have a vendor shift so yay for sweaters, and tights under my jeans :D

xme

Sigh. Yay flowers!

Day thirty seven:
A picture of your favorite flower.

I love Gerbera Daisies. They're so bright and colorful and alive.

BUT. I have a soft spot for ...

Blue roses. I think they are exquisite.

That's what you get for today, Blog. Sorry. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just sleepy.

xme

Tiring Friday at work made up for by great rest of weekend.

Oooookay. Now I'm here. And I'll give this a better effort now that I'm a little more settled in. Took me a month, but my roommate's in now and we've finished painting and we're here. And I'm here. And here's some picture.

Day thirty six:
A picture of your dream wedding dress.

Kay so ... This isn't like. THE dress for me. But it's certainly a style I love and am interested in. I like wedding dresses. I like dresses in general, I think they're beautiful. But this is kind of the style I like :)

OH HEY. If you follow me, or don't follow me, but live nearish me, the Bunker's Farewell to 4th Street party is happening this Friday. THIS FRIDAY. It's going to quite literally bring the house down. Deconstruction of the Bunker as we know it now starts the next day. We'll be running our Tuesday night program on the 28th and our Saturday night program on the 3rd afterwards, but this is the last Friday night you'll ever be allowed in the B! We've got the crew from Jonny's Java coming in to make it awesome and more pizza and cookies and muffins and other good things than you can imagine what to do with, so come help us eat and have a party to celebrate the awesome things our 4th street Bunker has done, and toast to the super duper exciting deal that will be the new building!

Bunker stuff done. I had a great weekend. I had a tough night at work on Friday, but then the weekend got awesome after that. Saturday night at the B was off the chaaaaain. And then Sunday was a lovely day of Tom hugs and sushi and Lights. Oh Lights. She was absolutely exceptional and the nicest person and SO LITTLE. So yeah. Tiring Friday at work made up for by great rest of weekend.

I need to make a more conscious effort to stay connected on social media sites, now that we haven't lost control of the internet - if you'd like to know more about the awful bill that DIDN'T pass, chat with hebb (http://hebblog.tumblr.com/), he's a good dude.

Aaaaaanyways. I'm out! I have other things to do today. Like. Laze. Lol no, I get to work on a Bible study that's going to rock socks off!

Peace ouuuuut.
xme

I'm back! I'm back!

Aaaaaalright, so after six weeks with no internet and the BUSIEST September I've ever had in my entire life to date, I'm back with some more words and pictures and things :)

So first things first:

Day thirty five:
A picture of something that can always make you smile.

Call me a child and I'll throat punch you. I love making bears, or GETTING bears. It's my favorite thing in the world.

NEXT THINGS:

Guh life. Pause please. I'm car shopping right now and I have my heart set on one but there's a bit of a loan in the way of me and my dream car. Soooo. We'll see how that goes.

Work is bleh. Enough said.

New house is lovely but I'm not settled in yet. It always takes me like a month to actually move all my stuff out of boxes, but now it's not my choice. I'm waiting for my dad to come over and help me finish plastering and sanding on my one wall before I paint and I don't want to unpack and get comfy if Imma paint right away. It's going to be such awesome paint :3

I feel quite alone lately. Like, I have to take on the whole world by myself. It's intimidating. I'm scared.

Also:



Just in case you needed a reminder, or to be told in the first place, that life doesn't last forever. Make the best of it. Don't be a jerk. Just love, only love.

I'm going to sleep eventually, but for now, I'll just curl up in my bed. Goodnight my friends :)

xme

I wants a hug :/

Day thirty four:
A picture of your favorite memory.

I don't like this one because I feel like I have so many 'favorite memory' pictures. I chose the day I met my brother because it's a more recent one and there's some outstandingly funny pictures from that day. That being said, I wish I knew how to create a .gif of these pictures, because it would just be one of the funniest things.

(I have no idea what either me OR my mom is doing.)

The Bunker missions team will be home day after tomorrow, and I could not be more thankful if I tried. They are all (currently) alive, and safe, and looking forward to returning. And although I've thrived on my own these last two weeks, I will be very grateful to have Tom a fifteen minute walk away from me again.

Goodnight all <3

xme

Looooove this movie

Day thirty three:
A picture of your favorite Disney movie.

I've seen it so many times. Great great movie :D

xme

Day thirsty two:
A picture of your favorite bird.

I've loved snowy owls since I was little. I wants one. Kthanx.

xme

This was an easy one.

Day thirty one:
A picture of someone who's always been there for you.

Exodus 14:14 <3

xme

This was a very difficult post.

Day thirty:
A picture of someone you miss.

I actually had a whole list of people to choose from but in the end, the person I miss the most is someone who doesn't exist anymore.

I want to go back in time; not to regain what I've lost but to erase it completely. You can't miss something you never had, especially if all you never had was just an idea.

xme

We had absolutely no alcohol in us.

Day twenty nine:
A picture that can always make you smile.

From Mel and Heather's grad ... such a fun evening. I have no recollection of what we were doing for this picture. I recall some form of insect infestation during these pictures buuuut. Maybe I was overtired.

xme

I'm a day late on this one ...

... but I can explain why. I thought I had timed this all out so that I could get this first picture taken in time for Day twenty seven, but I apparently can't count properly. So I'm going to post twice in this entry. Here we go.

A picture of yourself and a family member.

This is my biological brother, Cam, and myself. We met today, for the first time, and it was life-changing. I'm so thankful he felt the desire to contact us, and so blessed to have met him today.

Day twenty eight:
A picture of something you're afraid of.

Entonophobia is the irrational fear of wood ticks. I hyperventilate. Don't ask me why, they just ... really, really bother me.

xme

I kind of wish it was tomorrow already.

Day twenty six:
A picture of something that means a lot to you.

I love my iPod. It's been through a lot with me, and if it could talk, it would tell some pretty sweet stories. I've had it for six years and it's really a great little machine.
-----
I really need a hug today. Does anyone have one to spare?

xme

I'VE MADE IT 25% OF THE WAY THROUGH!!

Day twenty five:
A picture of you last year, and now; how have you changed since then?

Last year:

Now:

I have changed infinitely since this picture. I barely even recognize my old self, emotionally and spiritually, at least. Physically, I'm very much the same. Same build, same style, same hair. But inside? I'm less dependant on others for my confidence. I'm stronger, and more resiliant. I'm less irritable, I'm more positive, and I stress about things less. I'm content, I'm happy. I enjoy life, even though life is very difficult for me right now. I've rarely been as satisfied with my place in life as I am right now; I feel as if I am precisely where God wishes me to be.

Real life updates now though! I just got off Skype with Tom, and so far, everyone's doing well. They're all having a great time, experiencing tons of new things, and eating some seriously awesome food by the sounds of it. They've seen a lot of rain, but that's keeping the temperature down and helping them get accustomed to the climate a little easier. So that's a blessing!

Aside from that, work is tough, but I'm managing. I'm just sort of done with working two jobs, and I suppose it's wearing on me.

On Wednesday, I get to meet my brother. It feels like I've been waiting for this day my whole life, I'm so incredibly excited.

Also, next Sunday is the Skillet concert (I AM SO PUMPED). Saw Transformers 3 yesterday and it was great. I'll have to see it again with Tom when he gets back, because I was verrrrry tired and didn't quite keep up at the end. But I'll try harder next time.

I'm out. Later all you pretty people :)

Stay with me here now, and never surrender

xme

All come, all fall; All walk with hearts so torn

Day twenty four:
Something you crave a lot.

A carefree, sunny day in the park with Tom. Nowhere to go, no one who needs us to be anywhere. Just ... hanging out. Being us. We get so few days like that; it seems as if there's always some demand on one or both of our days. It was nice this particular day to just be ourselves and enjoy the world without worrying about who's watching or what else needs to be done.

xme

Happy Canada Day!

Day twenty three:
A picture of you, and the top five things you like about guys.

1. Faith: The most attractive thing about a guy is when the only way I can find his heart is to be chasing after Jesus myself.
2. Eyes: The only eyes I've ever fallen in love with are eyes I can't stop staring into.
3. Sense of humour: I love a guy that can make me laugh.
4. Arms/shoulders: Good shoulders and strong arms are my favorite place to fall asleep.
5. Playfulness: I need a guy who can be a kid with me.

xme

A dash of this/that ... ?

Day twenty two:
A picture of something you wish you were better at.

I really wish I was better at cooking. I'm alright, I guess, and with a recipe I can do some pretty cool things, but I just wish I had that knack for it that some people have.

xme

Goodbye my friend, until we meet again.

Day twenty one:
A picture of something that makes you happy.

Kittens was going to be my first choice, because I went to visit a friend of mine the other day, and she has four young kittens at her house; they are so astoundingly cute. But then I saw this picture, and realized how happy music makes me, too. It's so relaxing to me, to be able to express myself in music. So this is a nice juxtaposition of two things that make me very happy in life :)

Also, quick update on life: the Bunker missions team is leaving this evening for Puerto Rico. It's a two week trip during which they'll have the opportunity to really impact change in the communities they're going to. Please pray with me for the leaders and students going on this life-changing journey. Thanks a ton!

xme

Konichiwa!

Day twenty:
A picture of somewhere you'd like to travel.

I would very much like to visit Japan. There's so much culture there, I think it would be so inspiring.

xme

... with a cause?

Day nineteen:
A picture of you when you were little.

That's me on the right, biking without a helmet. What a rebel.

xme

MORE MILK

Day eighteen:
A picture of your favorite drink.

I still really REALLY like milk.

xme

Luminaaaaaa

Day seventeen:
A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

'Here's to life being better when the sun rises.'

The Bunker changed my whole life. Six months ago, I didn't know who I was, or what my purpose was, or what I was doing. Now I know not only where I've been, but where I'm going. It's so encouraging to have people that love the crap out of me, no matter what happens. The support I have found here is so overwhelming, and I never want to let it go.

xme

Eeets a-me! Maaaario!

Day sixteen:
Another picture of yourself.

I love my red hair, so so much. It makes me feel confident.

xme

I'm crazy to want this.

Day fifteen:
A picture of something you want to do before you die.

I would love to go skydiving, because it would also mean I'd overcome my fear of heights. I think someday I'll be able to do it, with the right persuasion. We'll see what happens.

xme

I want one.

Day fourteen:
A picture of your favorite animal.

How cuddly does this look? Very. Does want.

xme

Frying pan?

Day thirteen:
A picture of your favorite band or artist.

I LOVE SKILLET.

I've loved these guys since the beginning, seen them twice live, going to see them again in a few weeks. I have every album on my iPod, and I'm nuts about them all. Their style has evolved so much over the years, and every album is different and interesting and new. LOVE them.

xme

Moooooo.

Day twelve:
A picture of something you strongly like.

I really, REALLY like milk.

xme

Hot, hot, hot

Day eleven:
A picture of something you strongly dislike.

I strongly dislike being hot. I'd much rather be cold, and have to put on warm sweaters and curl up under cozy blankets, than not be able to take off any more layers and be sweating and sticky and gross. Bleh. Least favorite.

xme

Mellybean :D

Day ten:
A picture of the person you do the craziest things with.

This is Melissa. We met on MySpace back when MySpace was the cool thing to have. We were both dumb little scene queens. We creeped each other's pages for two weeks before she friended me or whatever it is.

Afternoons on Fermor, nights at school, naps in unorthodox places, and condiment villages. There's no one else who even contends for this position right now.

xme

Favorite coloooooor.

Day nine:
A picture of your favorite color.

My grad dress, on the right. I fell in love with the color as soon as I saw it; NEVER thought I'd like the dress itself, but I tried it on to see if the color would work on me. Put the dress on and it was a very immediate yes. Still my favorite color to this day, I haven't fallen even slightly out of love with it.

xme

My cousin had cute friends, what can I say.

Day eight:
A picture that makes you laugh.

Oh my goodness, this picture just makes me entirely too happy. How could we have been so astoundingly creepy <3

xme

Hand me down

Day seven:
A picture of your most treasured item.

This is my dad's sweater, a gift from my mom the Christmas before I was born. He wore it for about a decade, I believe, and then my mom kidnapped it, and then passed it down to my sister, who I stole it from about seven years ago. It's one of my very favorite things in the world. I swear it has healing powers.

xme

Running out of clever titles :S

Day six:
A picture of your best friend.

He's my favorite person. He often knows exactly what to say or do to cheer me up, he makes me feel beautiful and valuable and loved. He makes me want to be better, not because I feel inadequate but because he gives me his best, and therefore deserves mine. He takes care of me and always seems to be able to save the day. He's my Superman, and I'm so very blessed to have him in my life.

xme

Wrap your arms around me, make me feel so lovely

Day five:
A picture of what you want to be when you grow up.

This is my grandmother, she's the most amazing human being I've ever met in my life, and I'd be completely content in being even half the woman she is. She inspires me to be the best I can be.

xme

Find me here; speak to me

Day four:
A picture of your favorite night.

One night, I was all dressed up from going out with some girls from work, to celebrate a friend's engagement. Afterwards, my best friend picked me up and took me to the park near my apartment, and danced with me under the stars to Lifehouse's Everything - one of my favorite songs. I felt so valuable and beautiful that night, it completely changed my life.

xme

Glee :D

Day three:
A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

I looooove me some Glee <3

xme

Let me see ya hips SWING.

Day two:
A picture of the person you have been the closest with the longest.

This is my big sister, Mallory.

She's been one of my best friends throughout my whole life. There's no one in the world who knows me better than she does, no one who has a better understanding of what I've been through in my life. She has been there through all the hard stuff I've experienced, but also been there for all the great things. I've never felt like there was anything I couldn't share with her. I love her more than pretty much anyone else in the world <3

xme

100-Day Picture Challenge!

I'm going to try this - sometimes I have great big goals and then I don't see them through, so this miiiiight be one of them. I know most people are posting them on Facebook (I might do that too) but for now I'm going to post it all here.

Day one:
A picture of yourself with fifteen interesting facts.

1. Red gummy bears are my favorite gummy bear.
2. I love going to the drive in.
3. Ritz crackers are one of my favorite snacks.
4. I generally have difficulty sleeping in an entirely silent room.
5. I hate touching gum before I put it in my mouth.
6. It bothers me when CD's aren't straight in their cases.
7. Takeout containers being used upside down frustrate me.
8. I dislike when folded paper in envelopes is not flat, causing the envelope to sit wonky.
9. ALL paper money has to face the same way in ALL situations.
10. Burning matches, gasoline, and freshly cut grass are some of my favorite smells.
11. I cannot swim, but I love the feeling of water and sun on my skin, so the beach is one of my favorite summer hangouts.
12. I bite my nails.
13. I loveloveLOVE milk.
14. I'm cynical about some things, but somehow I'm still a hopeless romantic.
15. I have seen Mulan more times than I could even count.

xme

Freedom

There is such freedom in Christ ...



I'm sorry I haven't been posting very much lately, I've just been so very busy. Please, share this video and the one I posted before it with everyone you know. We can reach an entire world so easily with the technology we have available to us right now. This is OUR time, WE can be the difference in this generation.

xme

FIVE MINUTES.

What if I told you that if you gave up five minutes of your time, your entire life and eternity afterwards could be changed for the better? Would you give up that five minutes? What if I told you all it required was for you to be still, be silent, and listen? And not just listen with your ears, but listen with your heart? What if that's all it took to make every decision in your life a little easier, every burden a little lighter, and every trial a little brighter?

That's all I'm asking for: five minutes. Whether you're a close friend of mine, an acquaintance, or a complete stranger. Five minutes of your time will effect the rest of your life. Watch this video, be changed, and be blessed.

xme

Too much, too much, I'm gonna drown

Life is a little less bright today. One light has been put out by the pressures of the world and it's hard to put on a smile today.

I'm sorry you felt this was the only way out. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you.

When you lose something you can't replace ...

Because of you everything around me is unraveling to the core, everything within me is wanting more of you

Life really only goes wrong when you're making the right choices.

It's never going to be difficult to stick to fluidity; it's standing out and being different that's the struggle. So many people give in to what they think is okay because they're not strong enough to say no, or they don't want to rock the boat.

Sometimes, standing for something is basically like putting a giant bulls eye on yourself. When your beliefs are tested, stick to them. Don't cave.

I'm coming undone, and I love it
I'm coming undone because of you

This fight is so worth it <3

xme

I have ... an emotion.

I have an emotion, and the first person to tell me what it is gets a high five. Here are your clues:

I think it is a negative emotion.
It was brought on by a segment of my past meeting my present.
It is not regret, but perhaps something in the ball park of regret.
It is not entirely justifiable, but partially so.
It hurts, but in a very final, cleansing sort of way.
I feel as if I should not feel it, but Tom seems to think it's alright that I do.

Alright blog. Gimme your best guesses :)

xme

This song is in my head:

I just need to get away from me
I just need to find some peace of mind
Caught in this game of unmet expectations
I want to leave it all behind

I want to be small
I want to be just like a child
I want to be quiet in your arms

And in that moment when I lose myself
Let the world fade away from me
Give me a moment just to seek the silence
I just want to be set free
---
Sorry it's nothing better today. I have a feeling I'll be posting something deeper and more meaningful in the next few days, I have a lot of built up creativity. I want to write because it helps me grow.

Oh, p.s. This is Amanda Falk's Small. I loooove this song.

'Remember what it felt like three months ago.' Oh God. I haven't forgotten. If I can make it through that, I can make it through whatever these demons bring up.

xme

You perfect little teardrop ...

I don't have words tonight. But I have emotion.

I have so much regret. I never wanted to be this broken. I never asked for it, I never knew my choices could hurt like this. One photo, that's all it takes to break me. In my moment of weakness, I forget who I am, I forget who's fighting for me and my whole heart, and I end up ... here. Wherever here is.

I need constant reassurance that I am not alone. And when I don't have that security, that accountability ... This happens. I fall down, and I need picking back up. So here's my 'pick up':

'The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.'

It's that simple. It doesn't mean I'm fixed, it doesn't mean I'm better, it doesn't mean I'm healed. It means I'm liberated and free and alive, all I have to do is give up my hurts and struggles. The cost of an eternity of satisfaction through the One who loves best is my insecurities. In exchange for my messed up past, I'm going to be freed from all of it. All I have to do is ... be. How can I not love when that's what's loving me first?

Goodnight blog, I'm going to go dive into this more.

xme

The Light of His Love

'(8)But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breast plate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. (9)For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. (10)He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. (11)Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.'

Patience, emotions, and a gentle reminder

Today, I had a female customer in with her little girl, who was probably about four. This little girl was so well behaved while her mother shopped for her husband, son, and self. All totaled, they probably spent about half an hour in the store, and not one negative comment from the little girl. She was respectful, she was quiet, she was polite, and didn't run around making a mess of the store. Not that she was completely silent, by any means, but just a very well-behaved young lady. So when it came time for the mom to pay for her purchases, I commented on the daughter's behavior, telling her that I was very impressed by the little girl's manners. The mother's response was very profound: 'Kids are like any relationship, you only get out of it what you put in. And my husband and I are a team, a good strong place for the kids to come home to. It's about setting a good example.'

I was blown away. I don't know why. But it kinda clicked I think, that I really should be looking for my teammate, my other half. Someone I can be strong with, someone that challenges me to be my best, all the time. I should never feel like he's not worth the fight, or he's not worth the effort. I should always want to be my best with him, and that's something I've never experienced.

I believe marriage IS forever. So why have I wasted so much time dating guys I don't work well with, when I could be finding the one God wants to lead me to? It seems selfish of me to have done that. That maybe, in my past attempts at security, I've kept someone from finding THEIR teammate. God plans out our lives for us ... Why do I keep trying to fight that?

Blah. I've had a that kind of day. Yesterday was a little hard, I had a pretty massive rush of old emotions that just wore me out emotionally. And I think that's okay. It's really only when we're broken that we can be made new, in our weakness that we can develop our strengths. So. I'm (again) vowing to let go and let God - maybe THIS time this lesson will stick.

So my prayer today is for patience. The comprehension that God is God and we are not. Today, I pray for the strength and obedience to wait for the things that I struggle with, because they will come - in God's time, not mine.

xme

Heart Troubles

This is a devotional I read back in February I think, but I flipped to it today by accidentish, soooo. Here we go :)

'So many things can trouble our hearts. Unpaid bills. A frightening medical prognosis. Loss of a job. The death of a loved one. Upcoming surgery. An unexpected move. An argument with a close friend. A savage rumor. A church dispute.

The world is full of 'heart troubles', and it always will be. Yet Jesus does not expect us to deal with those troubles so much by ignoring them as by turning toward Him. As he said to his anxious disciples in John 14:1, 'Trust in God, trust also in me.'

What suffering and persecution and pain and difficulties do is not so much make us weak, as show us we are weak. Without them, we can deceive ourselves into believing we're prizefighters. With them, we're reminded that we're not constructed to function on our own power. the trick is to allow suffering to be used as a tool to help us depend on God and not on ourselves.

God didn't go halfway when he went to work on my behalf. He did it all. Even when I couldn't feel Him, even when I couldn't sense Him, even when I wasn't holding on to Him anymore, God worked on my behalf. He didn't need me to do a thing!

When I faced far worse than my worst imaginings, something unexpected and wonderful happened. I realized that God is in control and God is good - even when bad things happen in our lives.

Even though I didn't know what I might have to go through next, I could rest and accept it. Because now I knew that when I let go, I would fall into the strong hands of God.'

Lately I've had some really big decisions to make - ones that I've never had to make before, or ones I have, but have never had quite the consequences that these may. It's scary, being an adult. It's scary living in a world with wars and skyrocketing prices and natural disasters and abuse and theft and death. Life isn't easy, God never promised us it would be easy, but He DID promise He'd always be there for us to cling to. It's hard realizing that I have nothing to give Him that He could ever want ... But still He wants me anyways. There is a very sharp learning curve of inadequacy in Christ.

Sometimes, it's hard to silence ourselves in today's world. But Exodus 14:14 promises, 'The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.'

That's all for me today. My prayer for today is that our eyes be opened to our misplaced reliance, and learn to rest our eyes on the One that never fails.

xme

The smell of your skin lingers on me now ...

In the dark is
Where I see your heart
Next to you
Eyes flutter closed
Heartbeats match
Breathe in
Breathe out

Just breathe
Just be

This is where I belong
Lips made to fit
Arms meant to hold
Hearts meant to feel

We have been broken
We have been left
But trust breeds from mistrust
We can be won over

Take my hand
Dance this perfect dance

Your little secret
Your slip of the tongue
I forgive
Because I know
This is no mistake

Stole this from a friends Facebook. And she stole it from an ACTUAL book.

'Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends or if you are alone and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. Its about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life is about.'

Prove It

Can you fathom the attraction to a perfect ripped jean?
When I say 'I'm antisocial', do you know what I mean?
Do you understand the struggle to pick just the perfect scent?
If I said I had a bad day would you know what I meant?

Do you know who I am?
Do you see what makes me tick
And do you like it?
Can you fix what my past has caused
I'll never pretend
I'll tell you again
I'm a train wreck in the end.

Freedom, and success

Look what I can do
Look what I got through
When I have the chance
When I'm without you

See what I've become
Thought my world was undone
What I was waiting for
Was just the chance to run

Look what I can make
When it's something you can't take
You can dig in underneath
But I'm done being fake

Better watch me fly
I'll do it or I'll die
You never really bothered
To stop and ask me why

I wanted to be free
I lost my sense of me
In finding who I am
I'll become all I can be

Inception

Too late; invested
Never meant to
Never would
Must these dream layers end?

Such a pleasant slumber
Such a pretty thought
I entertain

This impression is not just my own

Held
Admired
Prized

I deserve to remember.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

But you've got to know that I will be there

I had a hard day today. Just a day of emotions all coming crashing down on me, and me not knowing quite how to deal with all of them. But God has blessed me with my two roommates (Happy birthday Shay *hug*) who love me so unconditionally.

I read this on a friend's Tumblr and I felt the need to share it:

'so the other day i was going to church and as i walked threw the door everything seemed normal enough. the greeter at the door greeted me as usual, asked how i was doing and i said “good and yourself” the typical response. what struck me was his reply. i expected the typical “good thanks” but instead he replied with a “better than i deserve”. I’ll admit his reply though not what i expected didn’t really catch me off guard at first. it wasn’t until half way down the hall that i realized how truly profound his reply was (even if he meant to or not). “better than i deserve” he said, a statement that would ring true in my head for a long time to come. i realized that he was talking about how amazing it is to be loved by God. its is by His grace alone that we as christians can not only have salvation from an eternity of lets just say unpleasantness to say the least but that we can also live lives of true significance. Because of His grace we have life, we have purpose and we have a friend that will never leave us no matter the situation. ”better than i deserve” indeed, a statement that will remind me for a long time to come just how truly blessed i am. a statement that will brighten even my darkest of days.

live a life “better than you deserve” '

I didn't correct any of the spelling or grammar ... and for those of you that know me, it's bugging the crap out of me.

I got some great hugs today. I was reminded over and over again that I am loved, and looked after. I am content. I'm so so happy in my life. But that doesn't mean I don't have hard days. I think Life's just a little bit harder than I thought it was. But if I have God, and my family, and my friends, I think I'm okay with that.

My mommy called me exactly when I needed it today, before I even realized I needed it. She's a hero, she always seems to save the day, or fix me, at least a little bit.
---
Aries are adventurous and energetic. They are extremely passionate and dynamic. They will stand out from the crowd.

I'm listening to You're My Little Girl by Go Fish. On repeat. It makes me cry, but they're such good good tears.

xme

We need to pray

Short blog right now, sorry. I'm dealing with a few other loose ends right now that need to be tied up for the concert I'm helping organize week after next - for more details on that you can check out the Facebook event page at http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/event.php?eid=112556425486712.

But today, I'm just asking for prayer for this guy. His name's Noah, and he's running across the southern United States for a rare and devastating neurological disease called Batten Disease. I follow a makeup artist on YouTube who introduced her subscribers to her friend Noah, and the family they know. This family has been effected by this disease, which only effects about 1000 kids in the US - they have TWO girls with it. I think we need to pray for Noah as he runs, but also the Allio family - especially Catie and Annie - as they cope with this disease and the horrifying symptoms of it. These girls have both lost their site, they experience seizures, hallucinations, cognitive loss, behavioral problems, dementia, and, eventually, death to the disease.

Please, just check out Noah's website - http://www.battenjourney.com - it'll give you all the information about Noah's run, where he is, how far he's gotten and how to donate to cause. Also, if you want to know more about the disease itself, I think the best place to start would be http://www.bdsra.com.

Maybe we don't know the family effected, but it's still not fair that any child should have to go through this. I'm sure prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your time, Bloggers.
xme

For a dear friend

When your whole world
Seems shaken to the core
Don't run away
Please don't hide your smile
Anymore

I'm here for you to lean on
I'll listen to you cry
I'll help you through
Even though you're strong enough
To fly

Those four words sink
Like the disaster they cause
Please lean on me
Rest your head, take a moment
Just pause.
---
You've been there for me, I'll be there for you. Don't ever forget that you're not alone and you don't have to do this on your own.

xme

Chivalry

Ooookay. A friend of mine wrote about chivalry today, and it really offended me, soooo. Here you go.

Basically, his writing was about how it's so hard for guys to be 'knights' in today's society. They have to give and give and give, and all they get in return is our affection. Which, he went on to state, is nice, but 'do all women really deserve chivalry?'

Ignorance is your new best friend.

I don't know what kind of girls this guy hangs out with, but in the end, most of us girls ARE NOT like that. All I ever expect from a guy is to be a gentleman. Hold the door open for me. Pay me a compliment from time to time. Offer me your gloves if you notice my hands are cold. I'm not asking for expensive gifts, or even for a guy to pay every time we go out. Once in a while, yeah, I'd love that. I like feeling special. But it doesn't have to cost money to make me feel special.

In the end, and in answer to the posed question, yes. All women really deserve chivalry. I'm someone's prize. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to feel pretty, I deserve to be special, and if someone disagrees, they don't deserve to be in my life. That's the black and white of it. I'm sorry if anyone's offended by that, I really don't mean to offend anyone, but that's just what I see.

You know what? I'm done. Sorry for the lack of writing over the last few days, and sorry this isn't longer, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, I had a great evening yesterday, thanks for blowing it out of proportion.

Night Blog, I'm done sharing my emotions, because tonight my emotions are quite negative.

Today's tidbit of advice comes from my boss: 'The best revenge is self-betterment.'

The cake is a lie.

* 1 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix
* 1 can prepared coconut pecan frosting
* 3/4 cup vegetable oil
* 4 large eggs
* 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
* 3/4 cups butter or margarine
* 1 & 2/3 cups granulated sugar.
* 2 cups all purpose flour

Don't forget garnishes such as:

* Fish shaped crackers
* Fish shaped candies
* Fish shaped solid waste
* Fish shaped dirt
* Fish shaped ethyl benzene
* Pull and peel licorice
* Fish shaped volatile organic compounds …
* … and sediment shaped sediment
* Candy coated peanut butter pieces, shaped like fish
* 1 cup lemon juice
* Alpha resins
* Unsaturated polyester resin
* Fiberglass surface resins
* And volatile malted milk impoundments
* 9 large egg yolks
* 12 medium geosynthetic membranes
* 1 cup granulated sugar
* An entry called "how to kill someone with your bare hands"
* 2 cups rhubarb, sliced
* 2/3 cups granulated rhubarb
* 1 tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb
* 1 teaspoon grated orange rhubarb
* 3 tablespoons rhubarb, on fire
* 1 large rhubarb
* 1 cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb
* 2 tablespoons rhubarb juice
* Adjustable aluminum head positioner
* Slaughter electric needle injector
* Cordless electric needle injector
* Injector needle driver
* Injector needle gun
* Cranial caps

And it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents and gas and odor control chemicals, that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.

Dreaming Of Her

I finally finished this one. I posted the first part of it right around this time last February ... It definitely puts into perspective what I've been through in a year. A year ago, I was writing a song based on what I figured a situation would feel like, and now I've finished it with my own very real emotions. So that's what being a songwriter is for you I suppose.

Here it is. Enjoy ... ?
---
I bet you're dreaming of her eyes
I bet you're wishing she was here with you
Instead of me
I bet you want to hold her tight
And when you're holding me, I'm second best
An adequacy

Even though I gave my all for you
And there's no one who's gonna love you like I do
There is nothing anyone can do
Cause still you're dreaming of ... her.

I bet you're thinking about her smile
About the way it lights up every room
That's she's ever in
And you would go the extra mile
To see her happy and to know she's smiling
At you again

It never matters what I do at all
Cause there's no one who can save me from this fall
Our picture's hanging on my wall
But you're just thinking of her.

Why did I have to let you into my heart?
And who can I rely on now that you're gone?
The night will come
And I'll fall asleep with you in my dreams
Like the night before the night it all went wrong.

I bet you're dreaming in her arms
I bet she's in the spot that I used to fill so perfectly
I bet she fell for all your charms
A little funny because all your tricks, you learned them from me

I hope you love the way she'll never be
All the little things you used to love in me
Can't believe it took so long to see
That you were dreaming of her.

I bet you never even knew
My heart skipped a beat just every time that you looked at me
And now that you and I are through
I can finally become everything I was meant to be.

Be still

I was not strong enough. I was not a lot of things. I could list them all, feel like trash, and let him win - again. And today, that is such a temptation. So much was stolen from me, so many decisions were made for me, and I never had a chance.

'The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.' Exodus 14:14

Today's devotions led me to Exodus 14, the story of Moses parting the Red Sea. Nothing new, nothing I haven't read before, but verse 14 jumped out at me. It's not that I've never heard it, or never understood it, I've just never needed it so much as I do now. I've never experienced it. It hits closer to home now, I guess. I just have to shut up and be patient, and I'll be granted healing. In learning patience, God will bring me to His divine plan - and it'll be so much better than what I've lost, because it'll be His choice ... not mine.

This passage reminds me that at least SOMEONE is fighting for me. And not just ANY someone, the Someone who has power over oceans and winds and storms. That's the best Someone I could ever ask for.

I am not at peace, not yet. But I'm on my way to believing.

xme

Questions

I find you so distracting,
Is this real, or are you acting
Do you feel the way you say
Will you turn and run away

Are you worth my good intention
In this world so of pretension
Are you worth the fight I'll give
Will you break my will to live

Will you chase me, can you love me
Tell me that you're dreaming of me
Am I on your honest mind
Will you leave your past behind

Do you know me, do you want to
Just what am I to you
Now you've got me on a string
Can you see a single thing?

Are you watching, are you learning
Am I worth the fight of earning
Do you want to know my name
Here we go, let's play this game

Today was hard.

I was able to list of ten things I resent today, so very easily. So now, I'm going to list ten things I'm grateful for, to remind myself of how blessed I really am.

1. My roommates

I have wonderful, wonderful roommates, that love me to pieces. They accept me for who I am, what I look like in the mornings, and how I act after a long, terrible day at work. They love me, and keep loving me. I could not ask for a better support system at the end of the day.

2. The Bunker

I suppose not the physical building, but definitely the people there. I feel accepted and loved by at least SOMEONE every time I go there. I smile more, I laugh louder, I enjoy life a little bit better when I'm there. So very nice to have a healthy and strengthening stress relief at the end of the week.

3. My hair

Call me vain and I'll smack your face off. I love my hair, it makes me so happy. That's why I'm so terrified of the idea of having to give it up. I don't want to not be a redhead. I love the feeling of security I have when I hide behind my hair. It's comforting and soothing and safe. And there are not many things left in life for me right now that are safe.

4. My friends

Blanket item, I know. But I honestly have the greatest group of friends in the world. I wouldn't trade them for the world. The support and comfort they give, even without realizing it. I'm so easy to cheer up. 'We will love the crap out of you.' 'Well I don't hate you.' 'That would make you Jesus.' Simple little things that remind me I'm loved, not hated, and no one cares if I don't have my life together.

5. Food

Shay just bought juice boxes, apple sauce, and cucumbers. In addition to the Ritz crackers, 3% milk, and green Kool Aid hanging out in our kitchen, I'm thankful and grateful for the ability to eat. Some days it's hard, but it's getting better.

6. Jonny's Java

SUCH a small thing. But seriously. Any time, ANY time I go there, I leave slightly more cheered up than when I left. It doesn't matter if I get a beverage or not, I am cheered up by any one who works there. Because the guys are win, and the girls hang out with the win guys and are, therefore, win by association.

7. Kids that make me want to have kids

There were two in the store today. They were two of the cutest kids I've ever seen in my life. And they weren't bratty or obnoxious or loud or irritating. They were cute and funny and sweet and polite and cute. Oops, I said cute twice. They were ADORABLE. Nuff said. Also, I get to go see Makaya tonight, who's cuter than like, twenty buttons.

8. Attractive men that dress well

Sorry if you were wanting deep and meaningful. A man that dresses well makes me smile, and then if he's attractive on top of it? Just makes my day. And I'm not even talking like, stereotypical attractive, well dressed men either. There's something to be said about a guy who can rock a suit, yes. But interesting jewelry or quirky shoes or skinny jeans can be attractive on a guy too. A guy who knows what he wants to dress like, and dresses like it, is very, very appealing.

9. Rest

I am always thankful, at the end of the day, for rest. Not necessarily sleep, just the ability to stop doing things and just exist. I always take a few moments out of every day to just ... be.

10. A free country!

I am a woman. And in some countries in the world, that means I would have no rights. But in this country, not only can I vote, have a job, and choose my own husband, I have the freedom of speech. I can dye my hair WHATEVER colors I'd like. I can get piercings and tattoos if I feel like it. I can go to school, I can work in almost any job a man can work in if I want to, and I can be a strong, independent human being if I want to.

That took MUCH longer than my list of things I resent. I have to work on being more positive, this negativity is really not productive. So that's my prayer for today - that we as a people would learn to turn our hearts towards positivity, and build each other up, instead of being negative and hurting others. This IS the only 2011 we're ever going to get - why would we waste it being miserable? This make this the best year we can possibly make it, so we can look back on it and be proud of what we've accomplished.

Freedom for Egypt!

xme

Say Goodbye

I've never had a song fit quite so exactly into my life.

Things are changing, it seems strange and
I need to figure this out
You've got your life, I've got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left here asking
Where has all the time gone now
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up, and getting older
I don't want to believe it's over

Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't want to hear those words tonight
And maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew this time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Do you remember, in December
How we swore we'd never change?
Even though you're leaving, our feelings
Would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now?
Can we make it last somehow?
We both know what we've got to say, not today
Cause I don't want to leave this way

And if it's over,
It hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always happy like we were.

Goodbye.

I hate Valentine's Day

Post comments about your lovely/perfect/wonderful significant other and I will delete them. I have no tolerance for this nonsense today. It's not entirely that I'm bitter and jaded about love, it's just that I'm kinda over the whole Valentine's Day thing to begin with. I mean. Everyone's been all worried about me lately, saying things like, 'Oh, it's going to be so rough without him'. But to be honest, it wasn't that great WITH him. The first one we knew each other, we weren't even dating, and it was kind of ignored even though we liked each other. And the second one, he made me a card, which was sweet, but like. Yeah. I've never had one of those amazing Valentine's Days where you just have to tell everyone all about it, and everyone oooohs and aaaahs because your sweetie is such a sweetie. I hate the idea that there are actually guys in the world that feel they can get away with only showing affection ONE DAY OF THE YEAR ... How is that fair? Whatever. I believe that if you love someone, you shouldn't need a Valentine's Day at all. But like I said, maybe that's just because I've never had a really great one.

Aaaaanyways. I'm kicking this cold's butt. It's exiting my body today, thanks to taking it easy all day today and yesterday. I've napped twice today, AND I slept nine hours last night. So this virus is D-O-N-E.

I really have not a whole lot else to post about, seeing as I last posted at like, 2 this morning. And like I mentioned in THAT post, I really hadn't meant to, I just couldn't seem to stay asleep then. So then I just slept until noon instead :)

I'm not pumped about working tomorrow. I need another job. Please pray that I find the job that God wants me in ... I'm hoping it's one I enjoy, but we'll see what He chooses for me. Today, btw, I am thankful that my roommates are amazing. I mean, I'm ALWAYS thankful they're amazing, but today just seems as if they are slightly more amazing than usual. I think I might go join my roommate in a peel mask ... It smells like cucumber :)

Sorry for the lame post today, I was hoping for a lamp shade in the treasure chest, but instead all Shay got was a bow. Ah well, next time.

xme

PS.

http://www.youtube.com/user/ihebby#p/c/DB5438352314DC27/5/_e1TXfCbSUY

This is my new friend Jeff. He's good people. He's one of those people that makes you think a lot. Every time I chat with him at all, I end up leaving with just as many questions as when we started, but they're always a little different, and a little deeper. So. Yeah. This video's one of those things that makes me think. Well parts of it. I mean, he talks about frostbite, and then he talks about the Bunker for a bit WHICH EVERYONE SHOULD ATTEND, but if you want to ignore the first two minutes of the video, meh. I'm chill with that. It's what he talks about at about two minutes in that's too legit to quit. Check it out, he's a cool guy, and he's got good ideas on stuff. There. Shameless plug DONE.

It's about flexibility

'(1)Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sing that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (2) Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.'
Hebrews 12:1&2, NIV

Sorry this is such a late post, btw. I wasn't really planning on staying up this late, but I just can't seem to be able to sleep yet. Not sure why not though. So here I am, sitting at the Mac in a dark room, typing out ... whatever I'm trying to type out. My emotions are kind of frazzled today.

Today I went to a different church than I had been attending the last couple weeks. I just felt I should try something else, seeing as it's pretty tough right now to go to the church I was attending. I'm kinda done putting myself in situations that hurt me. So I went to Pathway with some of my friends from the Bunker, and it was awesome. It was definitely a new way of experiencing God! Very out of my comfort zone, but amazing at the same time. Rob talked about how we need to be cautious of the decisions we make, because they can so quickly lead to sin. He challenged us to look at four different questions when making even the smallest decisions in our lives:

1) Does this choice meet God's approval?
2) Does this choice honor my family (both biological and Christian)?
3) Does this choice help others?
4) Does this choice make my life better?

I think I'll put that into practice. There are some immediately clearer choices in my life right now, and it hurts that they were so simple to see, yet I missed them until now. Way to be observant :S

I'm so tired, but somehow, I can't sleep. I hate this feeling. I almost never get this way, and it's frustrating. I think I'm going to go dive back into my Bible a little ... See what God has for me there.

Goodnight all!

xme

I'M STILL ALIVE, I SWEAR.

... Barely though. Oh my lanta. This cold is back for round two with a vengeance. It's not cool. And just in time for a super weekend. Excellent.

'The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.' (Psalm 51:17) It's nice to be reminded sometimes that God loves when I come to Him ripped and worn and broken.

I am liberated. It took me seven weeks to realize it, but that's what I am. I'm not destroyed, I'm not lost, I'm not dying. I am liberated. And that's a really nice realization.

Today will be a good day. If I was wearing socks, they'd be mismatching. But instead, I'm on a flats kick and I'm wearing pantyhose. I HATE pantyhose. *mumbles darkly* But I prefer pantyhose over blisters and whatnot. Sooo. Thurrr we go.

I'm kinda pumped for the weekend. New friends, new church, new jeans. I'm being taken out of my comfort zone and I like it, very much. Although I'd prefer if I didn't have a red, irritated, congested, runny nose to go with it >.< Also, I wouldn't mind having a voice today. But that's alright. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow? Hope so, cause I've gotta work. In actuality, tomorrow will likely end up being quite a long day. Work, driving, church, driving, Melissa time (which YOU KNOW means we're staying up late) and then waking up at a moderately early time of day on Sunday. Blahg. I can has caffeine? :D

I'm out guys, Cori sounds like she might be resembling something close to ready to go shopping. I'm pumped for the new straight legs we got in at work, I'm gonna go buy some. And maybe another pair of skinnies. But when am I not buying more skinnies. I need some Bunker-worthy skinnies ... mine aren't tight enough.

xme

Did you forget?

Did you forget that I was even alive
Did you forget everything we ever had
Did you forget, did you forget, about me

Did you regret ever standing by my side
Did you forget what we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget about us

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess this is where we have to stand
Did you regret ever holding my hand
Never again, please don't forget, don't forget

We had it all, and we were just about to fall
Even more in love than we were before
I won't forget, no I won't forget about us

And at last, all the pictures have been burned
And the past is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget, please don't forget us

Somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you can't sing along
Because you've forgotten about us.

Sometimes, people walk into the hurt they feel. But sometimes, the only reason they deserve hurt at all is that they gave too much, or they tried too hard. There are times in life when I find myself having to remember that, in the end, when I point a finger at someone, how many fingers are pointing back at me? I try to be slow to place blame. I try to resist temptations of judgment. But - shocker! - sometimes I fail. I'm human, sue me. I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be.

So here's what it comes down to - I've had to fake so much of myself over the last two years of my life. I didn't gauge my ears. I didn't wear my skate shoes with skinnies. I didn't pierce my lip or eyebrow, or get my tattoo. I gave up things I wanted for things I thought I wanted more.

But in the end, you should never have to be something you're not to be someone's perfect. The one you're meant to be with won't ever ask you to change, not the things that make you who you are. There's compromise, sure, but then there's changing your values. I took my purity ring off for a year, and that wasn't okay. It was something I stood for, I shouldn't have had to give that up for a guy. I shouldn't have had to fake it, every single time, and pretend I was still confident with who I was. I wasn't. I'm not. But I will be, because I'm someone's first choice!

In the end, readers, you've gotta do things that mean something to you - you've really got to get behind your actions. If you're not into what you're doing, if you don't feel it, you're not living. And I'm done not living - I want to fly!

Goodnight all, I had a great day watching Tim Burton films, cooking bacon, and eating brownies with Ariele - http://nerdwords-r-us.blogspot.com/ - and I am DEFINITELY tired. Stalk me on Facebook though, and I'll probably respond.

Also, thanks for bothering to read this. I've always said, if you ever want to know how I'm feeling, read my blog. It's not private, it's not secret, it's open and honest and real. I'm not going to hide anything from you guys, so feel free to read and comment at your will :)

xme

I don't really know what to post on today.

Church again today. I aaaalmost didn't go. I wasn't feeling very enthusiastic about it, but I decided to go anyways. I kind of thought, if I get there and don't feel up to being there, I can leave. So I went. I didn't leave, and I really got a lot out of the message :)

The practical applications of the book of Jeremiah are so much more than I expected. Pastor Phillip spoke today on God's call to His chosen people. They were living in sin and had walked away from Him, but He was gracious enough to extend one last chance, Jeremiah, to them.

'This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.'

God gave them a final ultimatum, and His people ignored it. So, He told them, 'I am bringing disaster on this people, the fruit of their schemes, because they have not listened to my words and have rejected my law.' He gave them a chance to repent and redeem themselves, but when they refused, He had reached His limit. God sent the king of Babylon, a nation of other gods, to destroy Israel. They were God's chosen people, the ones He set apart in covenant. But He still tore them down when He was ignored. God doesn't take well to being ignored ... He'll allow things into your life to break you, just to bring you back to Him.

Alright, enough preaching now. I'm off to have some lunch now, and then after that I'm not sure. I believe the evening holds a few hours of Sandra time, which I'm going to say, I'm pretty pumped about. And tomorrow, Burtonstock '11 with Ariele (http://nerdwords-r-us.blogspot.com/ ), which. Seriously. An entire day of Tim Burton movies? You know you're jealous. Plus we're making breakfast ... don't worry, I'll have the fire department on speed dial >.<

Thanks again for sticking with me, readers. It's much appreciated. I enjoy your comments and responses to things I've talked about. Don't feel too shy about contacting me, I love feedback on my writing, both positive and negative.

SO. For now, I'm out. MY prayer for today is that God will be gracious to you this week ... what's yours?

xme

Try to forget love, cause love's forgotten me ...

You've never been so used as I'm using you
Abusing you, my little decoy
Don't look so blue, you should have seen right through
I'm using you, my little decoy
Decoy ~ Paramore

I've been listening to this song a lot lately, and I've just realized lately how much I've been applying it to my own life. So many decoy friends. So many people who are in my life because I feel I need to keep them. So many friends who don't love me, who don't need me, and who don't want me, taking up time spent with the ones that fix every broken part of me. I'm done faking it. I'm going to get rid of all the fake friends in my life, the ones who aren't helping me get through what I'm going through.
---
Yesterday, my devos were on 'Promises Worth Waiting For'. I read about Abraham and his wife Sarah, and their desire for a child. But God made them wait. And when they took it into their own hands, He had to punish them for it. When we dive into things without God's okay, we open ourselves up to a whole new world of hurt that God never intended for us. He loves us and wants us to be happy, but He also wants us to trust His perfect intentions. I'm starting to learn that. It's slow going, but I have a friend who will never leave me for anyone else!
---
Today's devotions smacked me in the face too. Today's was about 'Letting Go Of The Familiar', which has been most of my problem over the last few weeks. I had this perfect little life all planned out, and then it collapsed underneath me. God's been calling me for weeks to let that life go, move on, follow Him, and all I can think of is harbouring hate and anger and resentment for the life that I once had. That's not what Christianity is about! I wear a WWJD bracelet ... it's time to start living that.

To the one who stole my pride: I forgive you. I don't want to. No, PART of me doesn't want to. But the rest of me, the much bigger part, realized that it's the best way to cleanse you out of my life. I need to move on, and let go of you. You're familiar, yes. But you're not good for me. You're good for someone, I'm sure. God has a plan for you, too. But right now, I feel that plan does not include me. I have been pushing myself into your life, disguising it as God's will. But it wasn't. In the end, the closer I was to you, the more pain and suffering I could cause. The further in your life I burrowed, the more I could destroy it. I was staying with you for the wrong reasons; and we BOTH deserve better than that. I'm out of energy, I'm out of justification, and, now, I'm out of your life.

Lover, don't act so surprised,
My little decoy so polite
Never saying never but
Drive the knife to every cut.

Dig it out, begin again
Finding ways to live, and then
Killing time, you're killing me
What did you not see in me?

Maybe I'll finish that one. Although, for those of you that know me ... I procrastinate a lot. So I probably won't. But that's alright :)

Here's hoping you guys are having a great day. I hope everything you're anticipating in life today becomes a little easier to wait for.

xme

I'm gone.

These are all the things I'll never say to you, and you'll never read, so it's all the same if I post them here.

I hurt you more times than I can even remember.
I wanted the idea of you more than I wanted you.
I loved you all along.
I'm done making the effort for someone who doesn't want me.
I hope when you see me, it hurts you.
I hope when you see me, there is healing in you.
I hope when you see me, I don't see you.
Don't forget, it was through me that you became who you are today.
In time, I may be your friend, but only if you truly want me to be.
I am someone's FIRST choice. Not second, not third. FIRST.
I deserve better than this hurt.
I deserve every ounce of this hurt.
I hope you hurt like I do.
I hope you never feel like I do.
I'm better off without you.
I want you to admit you miss me.
I find it very freeing to be without you.

And even though you've already heard it, just in case you forgot:

I was fixed when you left.

Goodbye, for now, forever, for a time. I don't know. But what I do know, you're in the same place you were. But me? I'm gone.

xme

I was spoiled yesterday.

I had a great day yesterday, thanks to some amazing people in my life.

Church was wonderful, I'm very glad I went. I attended with my friend and his girlfriend - she hasn't been to church in 5 years! Praise God for that. I am very interested to see how God leads them in their faith together. It was good news to hear that they are attending a college and career group to discover where God wants them in the world. Please pray with me for them in their new relationship :)

After church, I ate lunch - small victory in itself! - and then went over to a Jenessa's place for the afternoon. Her and Tony have been so very instrumental in my life lately, so supportive and loving and compassionate. Just really restoring my faith in people. Plus they have a suuuuuper cute baby. Gotta love babies that make you want to have babies :)

So after hoarding Jenessa forEVER ... okay, not QUITE forever, but a very long time, anyways. Two until, what, ten? Surprised they don't kick me out, but in the end we're all like, 'well, I guess we should go our separate ways now ...' Those are the best friends to spend time with. The ones that make you forget what time it is and how long you've been with them.

Then, coming home to the apartment was so nice. There was some unexpected company waiting for me in the form of Tylerr and Paul. And after fighting with Paul on the food front, Cori and I eventually gave in and let him buy us foods. But that battle isn't over yet, though.

So all in all, aside from the fact that my feet were killing me for the first half of the day - thank you Tony for alleviating that! - I had a good day. No, I had a great day. And I'm hoping to have a few more this week :)

I am starting to realize who my real friends are, who are the ones that care, and who are the ones that don't want me in their lives, no matter how much they say they do. I mean, in the end, you can tell me you want me there, you miss me, you need me in your life, but if you don't prove it? I'm gone. I'm not being a bitch, I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, but anyone who says they care should show it. And to be honest, it's not hard to show me you care. I'm a sucker for the little things - hugs, spontaneous floor picnics, foot rubs. I'm a sucker for flowers, too. Not even like, a whole bouquet even. One time, I'd had a fight with my then boyfriend, and he brought me a rose at work. It wasn't an expensive gift, a few dollars, really, but it was thoughtful. I miss that thoughtfulness behind gifts. Too bad I've only gotten flowers half a dozen times in my life :P

'You know what I hate? People who don't get hints.' Ah man, I just remembered that. And it DOES irritate me. I choose my words very carefully (most times). So when I carefully select a word to use, and the intention is missed? Very frustrating. That's why I sometimes can't believe I've spent as much time around some people in my life as I have. I'm all about words. Just fyi.

Oooookay, this entry's getting stupid long. Friday and Saturday were nights of extreme discomfort for me, and being dragged out of my comfort zone, but I loved every second of it. I'm becoming new. Stick with me, I'll let you know how it goes :)

P.S. Lie of the day today is: 'If someone is hurting I feel obligated to help them out, or at least comfort them in someway.'

xme

Complacency

I've been issued a challenge.

Went to church this morning, it was a really good message. It didn't punch my face off like some sermons do, but it was a soft reminder. The pastor spoke on Jermiah, who was called by God to deliver a message of judgment and grace to the nations. Not that Jermiah wanted to, but God called him, promising His faithfulness in Jerimiah's life.

'They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you.'

That's a big promise. And although God was promising this specific promise to Jerimiah, there are dozens upon dozens of examples of God promising the very same things to us. So why do we sit back and become complacent? Why do we become boring, lackluster followers, just because we haven't seen a giant miracle in a while? I think we need more people like Jerimiah in the world, who call us out on our routines and stagnant faiths. I think it's time we shake our world up a little.

Pray for me, I am feeling spiritually and emotionally exhausted.

xme

For He cares what happens to you

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down, and I can't do this alone
Stay with me
This is what I need, please

Today was my crash day. It had been a few days since I had let the emotions through - Cried for the first time in almost a week. It felt very good and very bad at the same time, if that makes sense.

But it's Thursday, which means new Ray William Johnson, yes, but it also means I'm almost through another week. God provides! He offers small things to us in our time of need to make things a little more bearable. A smile. A new friend. A bowl of orange Jell-O. A cute video game character? Okay, well I'm not sure on that one. But my roommate is playing Twilight Princess and Link is sosososo pretty :)

I don't have much else to say ... Hoping to feel a little better tomorrow when I wake up, so maybe I can have a productive day. And then supper plans, and an evening at the Bunker perhaps.

I'm almost falling asleep writing this. I promise I'll be posting poetry again soonish, I've just hit a bit of a wall when it comes to finishing some of my work. It happens :)

Thanks for stopping by :)
xme