iiiit's Sunday.

Yep, just another lazy Sunday afternoon and I'm stalking Youtube. I'd like to say I've got nothing better to do but I should probably be doing dishes or something. Whatever. I'm tired. Last week was long, but this next week will be even longer. I'm 18, and I've taken a second job. Wtf.

SPEAKING OF WTF. I came across a video of Lady Gaga doing Paparazzi on the piano. It was the wierdest thing I've seen in a while. Hmm.

I need a shower. My hair is ... suspicious looking. I'm sort of bleh today. I'm going out later though, so I should probably take care of the shower sitch now. I don't even know what time it is. My dad's watching NASCAR so it must be between noon and three. Phone says 1:47. Deal. I'm off then, shower time.

Peace/ecaeP, because I don't discriminate against the dyslexic.

I effing hate Truth or Dare ...

... particularly when I pick dare. Thank you very much, Mel Beakley. For the next day I have to replace 's' in my vocabulary with 'z'.

It'z really not az eazy az it zoundz. I've already been doing it for a day and it'z ZO hard. Which may be what zhe zaid. ZEE!? It'z annoying! Ergh. Like LOLCATZ or zomething. Whatever. Regardlezz.

Firzt day of work today, and wow. What a learning curve. I mean, I really think I'm going to enjoy it, but zeriouzly? It was rough. Pretty challenging, actually. There'z a lot of thingz to remember :/ But everyone I work with zeemz lovely, and there'z zome quite amuzing regularz that I have a feeling will be quite entertaining. Zo. All in all? The day was a giant zuccezz.

Pluz my boyfriend left a ztop zign with a REALLY cute note on the hood of my van thiz evening, even after we had a bit of a fight. It waz zo zweet. And the note? In Latin. No big deal. Yeah, he knowz Latin. Incredibly attractive? OH YEAH.

If you're waiting for poetry, or a zong, I'm zorry, but thiz iz juzt a normal pozt. Well. Except for all the extra z's. I juzt felt a little bloggy today. Off to bed zoon though, I'm tired.

Peace!

This song is not finished.

I watched your face fall as you said goodbye for a little while
I'd give anything to hear your laugh, or see your pretty smile
The funny thing is I don't mind that you're so far away
Cause I know you dream about home when you're sleeping

And I, I guess I'm not ready to let you go
I don't want to say goodbye

If you have to leave again,
Would you please take a piece of my heart when you go?
Could you forget me then?
You see, I've got to be sure that you always know
I'll count the days you're gone, and I'll be
Waiting when you come home.

* * * * *

Today, while I was driving home from my grandparent's place, I saw a giant green bus, just like the one the Choir travelled in. I had to pull over to collect myself enough to keep driving, and dig out Kleenex to wipe my streaming eyes.

I am a suck.

BUT I GOT A JOB :D

Waitressing, at a little bookstore cafe in Morden. Part time, but I have one more interview next week for a second part time job, so hopefully I'll get that one too!

Kthnx :]

It was the summer of my life ♥

{Posting twice in one day is strange for me ...}

Dear Summer '09;

As you're drawing to a close, I figured I would take the opportunity to say some things that I feel need to be said ...

First of all, thank you. You gave me my wings, and taught me how to fly on my own. I've never had the freedom and independence that I had with you, and I've never grown as much as I have over the last two months. I've learned so much - water balloons and traffic don't mix, for example. I've made new friends and developed closer and deeper relationships with some I already had. There's been some rough patches, yes, but I think that's part of the process, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Secondly, I will never forget you, ever. You gave me so many new memories that I can't even begin to describe all of them to you. I took a chance, and was brave in the face of new experiences - even though I felt I wasn't good enough to begin with. I stayed out until morning broke, and subsequently witnessed the beauty of a sunrise from several new perspectives. I made my own choices - some good and some bad - and I dealt with the consequences. I know it's been difficult, but thanks for seeing me through.

And last, but certainly not least, I will miss you dearly. I never want to let you go. The late nights and early mornings, the suntanning, the parties, the thunder and lightning, the drinks, the songs, the fights, the tears, the mistakes and the triumphs. The give and take, the loss and gain. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and probably the worst too, but I've never been so happy.

Thank you, a million times thank you.
Manda Enns

So much for the lights show.

I am. SO in love with Silversun Pickups right now. Nooo big deal.

BUT ANYWAYS. I got back from camping a few hours ago, had a bit of a nap (epic), and now I suppose I'm ready to get on with my life.

Oh wait, no, I'm actually not.

IN FACT. I'm even LESS ready to get on with my life now than I was before I went camping. A weekend out in the bush being carefree and irresponsible was the most amazing thing I've experienced in a long time, and I desperately didn't want it to end. Laying by the lake for hours, sitting around the fire, driving to town for Jones ... why does summer have to have an end at all?

We're here and we're now and we're all together
So let's make this last forever

I'm tired of things ending, things that I WANT to last forever. Of everyone going away. I sort of feel lately like I'm missing out or being left behind or something. It's like ... everyone has a different life now that school's starting again, and somehow I don't fit into it anymore. Like, all the time I've given everyone is just in the past now, and I have to deal with that, whether I like it or not. I didn't think it would hurt this much to see everyone leave, but it's, honestly, the most painful experience of my life.

Ashley, we're done for if we don't stick together.

Wrong again.

I've never loved a person quite so much as I love you
But I'm so far from perfect, and there's nothing I can do
I'd give my breath to make you smile, or brighten up your day
You're beautiful, inside and out, in every single way.

Everything about you makes my heart feel light as air
You want your bliss? Well I'd give anything to take you there.

At times, I'm sane and wonder why I waste my time on you
I think that maybe this time I can tell you that I'm through
Done with the abuse and all the times you didn't care
The times I let you use me and I faked like it was fair.

Maybe I'll be strong enough to break your hold on me
Maybe I can run away, maybe I'll be free
But then you take me in again, my courage starts to break
I give in to your piercing eyes, and the 'love' I know you fake.

The twisted part about this is I know what you're about
I know your game, I've played it, and I thought that I was out
Then I met you and I realized that all I want is in
I want you to destroy me, and I want you to win.

I want you to take from me all I have to give
Because then if you walk away, I know at least you'll live
Becayse maybe if I let you hurt me, you could - one day - see
The only think you'd ever want, or need, or love ... is me.

[It's not 11:11, but if it was, I'd wish for you ...
Like I do every single time.]

The Opportunity

Some nights when we talk
I'll pick a fight about nothing
Just to see if you still care.
Pick up the phone
And let you scream back at me
So I know that you're still there.

What happened between us?
And now where do we go from here?

I'm done with running in circles to please you
I'm tired of hoping that you're gonna call
Can't hold on much longer, you're just gonna hate me
There's no chance you'll run to me now when you fall
I'm still holding on to what used to be
And I'm waiting for you to say no to me ...
So here's the opportunity.

You made up your mind
I'm not the girl you thought I was
So you walked out of my life.
I don't get a choice?
Not that I'd choose for you to stay
But a say would have been nice.

You loved me, I'm sorry.
But maybe I loved you too.

I'm done with running in circles to please you
I'm tired of hoping that you're gonna call
Can't hold on much longer, you're just gonna hate me
There's no chance you'll run to me now when you fall
I'm still holding on to what used to be
And I'm waiting for you to say no to me ...
So here's the opportunity.

I didn't know what you were all about
I didn't think that you would walk away so soon
I guess you never even really cared
Don't lie
Say no to me.

I'd give you my heart
But I know it's not enough.

Screwed up relationships keep working when perfect ones explode ...

Once upon a time, there was this girl, who wasn't like most girls her age. She loved music, and being different, but nobody really understood her. She didn't really like herself very much because she thought there was something wrong with her. She felt so alone.

Then she met a boy that completely changed her life.

He was funny, and could ALWAYS make her laugh. He understood her stupid sense of humour, and even laughed at some of her jokes. He was compassionate and accepting to her, which scared her at first because she wasn't used to that. But he trusted her, and she soon learned how to trust him too. He shared his life with her, they talked about everything - music, friends, guitars, clothing. They almost never ran out of things to say. He was always there when she needed to talk, and he ALWAYS made her feel good enough. During some of the hardest times of her life, he was there for her, helping her through it all. He was always on her side, even when her side maybe wasn't the best side to be on. But out of all the wonderful things he did for her, there was one that stood out the most: he taught her how to love, and feel love in return.

You see, love isn't what the say it is. It's not starry eyes and roses. It's NOT a silly little moment. Those are parts of love, responses to it, but love is - fundamentally - so much more.

She learned that love was talking until 3 am and not running out of things to say. She learned that love didn't mean they had to date, or 'like' each other. Love meant falling asleep texting, or standing in a lighting storm for three hours. Love was singing duets and recording them at midnight in his basement. Love meant disagreeing, and sometimes fighting, but always knowing they cared enough to even fight at all. Love puts up with faults, and forgives mistakes. Love doesn't quit.

They've been friends for three years now. They've grown - together AND seperately. They've changed. Their love has changed too. But he's still the only one she can go to with bed head and morning breath, wearing pajamas and no makeup and feel as comfortable and beautiful as if she'd spent 6 hours to look perfect.

He's going off to university now, and she needs him to know she'd die if he ever forgot her. The future's not certain for either of them, and she's scared. But she knows she can face it as long as he's on her side, and she hopes he feels the same way, because if he doesn't, she's just made an idiot of herself by writing this letter.

(And she REALLY doesn't need help in that area.)

I don't think I ever want to win the Nervous Game against you. Please be my friend forever?

Manda <3

Refridgerator Poetry

I was at my cool aunt's for the week and I was restless one evening so I started fiddling with those little word magnet dealies, and this is what I came up with. It comes to you in two parts, the ridiculous first half, and the meaningful second half.

* * * * *

I perform & experiment
NEVER smear paint on miasma
Neo and me see through concrete
Will our metaphor make sense?

Who let metal form music?
It can waste a rhythm they know must be rigid

Here he ate her psychadelic shard sculpture
Cat
I feel electric which is why color could appear
Imagine paint with glorious passion
Throw glass, you would.

* * * * *

Always create from life
Know art, and like some
We think
suffer
break
are mean
try to observe only joy
THAT is balance
See
Hear
Do
Model
Compose
Every subject in harmony through song

* * * * *
Oh, and for the record ...

Miasma: A poisonous atmosphere formerly thought to rise from swamps and putrid matter and cause disease.

Just fyi.

You're my song

Here's another day, almost over
I'm missing out on life again
I should let it go, take a chance now
Gotta try and let you in.

Take the makeup off, feel exposed now
Eyes are windows to the soul
I want to hide away, keep my secret
Should I stay or should I go?

You break me down, you win me over every time
I don't wanna come around from this high
I was so wrong, I need you more and more each day
You're my song.

Haven't posted in forEVER ...

Light up the sky
I know you'll save me from it
I realize
I can't live with or without it
I don't wanna go
I wanna stay here til forever
I don't wanna go

Here in your arms
The world is safe and quiet
No other harms
But my heart beats out a riot
I know I should go
Or I'll want you til forever
I know I should go

Seems your eyes, they shine for me
And your smile, it haunts the things we'll never be
You are strong but you feel weak
Can you speak?

Summer

Parties, late nights
No school, it's cool
How could we want more than this?

No worries, no cares, no stressing
Nothing to tear us from this game
Hide and Seek, with Responsibility

Carefree, nowhere to be
We have nothing holding us back
It's about us for once

We can relax, breathe, just be us
We can stay out late and make mistakes
Because who's going to stop us?

Day and night blend
We see the sun go down and come up
And we grow.

All I've learned
All I've forgotten
Here's to Summer.

I've learned ...

I've learned ... that a single rose says novels more than a dozen.
I've learned ... the art of rubbing things in people's faces.
I've learned ... to make up my own words.
I've learned ... the thrill of having something before everyone else.
I've learned ... that hand-me-down sweaters come factory with healing powers.
I've learned ... that no matter how much of your teenage life you spend wishing you were somewhere else, you'll end up missing home eventually.
I've learned ... to dance to the beat of my own tambourine.
I've learned ... that life never doesn't throw you a curve ball.
I've learned ... that Spell Check is often slightly dumber than we give it credit for.
I've learned ... that Wikipedia has all the answers to Life's questions.
I've learned ... that your clock reading 4:47 a.m. is not an excuse to go to bed, although it is a very mature and responsible way of reminding you.
I've learned ... that I'm not the only one that still sleeps with a teddy.
I've learned ... to colour outside the lines. And man, I've gone pro.
I've learned ... that proper grammar is overrated and for soap operas.
I've learned ... that the amount of minutes you set your clocks ahead by should be equal to the amount of minutes it takes you to get to work plus four.

Morning Song

You are now friends with 5 a.m.
The sun rises in full brilliance
Majestically prowling over the earth

Night is gone ... for now.
Resting stars will soon return
Moonbeams will dance once more

But for now, just the sun
The sun glowing red
orange
yellow
And the sky, an indigo blanket
A fresh dew glistening on the grass
Each little drop perfect

Good morning, Morning
It's been a while :)

An English paper I wrote last term ...

TECHNOLOGY

William Wordsworth once wrote:

'The world is too much with us
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers
We have given our hearts away
For this, for everything, we are out of tune.'

In 1807, when this text was published, Wordsworth was no, of course, dealing with the excess of cell phones in classrooms, or even the violence levels in video games. He was instead dealing with the evolution of the church, and people's views of both the natural and spiritual worlds. Wordsworth was trying to point out that development for development's sake negatively effects the way we interact with our surroundings, and alters our perceptions on things like religion, intellectualism, emotion, and beauty.

When writing this paper, I decided to do the whole 'responsibility' thing, and try to see things from the other side of the argument - the 'anti-technologists', if you will. So I did the whole freaking paper manually. No computer for me. And the results? Well I have rough drafts. I have references. I have sources and edits and notes and quotations. And once I sifted through all that, I got more rough drafts (the environmentalist in me is going insane thinking about all the trees I've killed in doing just this one paper). It has been the complete antithesis of fun; my hand was cramping like there was no tomorrow, and my brain felt like there wasn't going to be. But instead of discovering something along the lines of 'we depend on technology too much', suffering through this torture of a paper actually solidified my belief that technology makes it easier for kids to be smarterm not dumber. See, technology has the ability to function as a creative outlet, and in building creativity, kids today have the opportunity to develop the very part of the brain which researchers say technology destroys. Irony much?

Shel Silverstein, a well-know children's humourist and writer, created a poem called The Castle for one of his books. It goes like this:

'It's the fabulous castle of Now
You can walk in and wander about
But it's so very thin
Once you ARE, then you've BEEN -
And soon as your in, you're out.'

Although many readers view this poem and it's accompanying artwork as mere comedic nonsense, I'd like to think that perhaps there's a deeper, more profound meaning. Perhaps Silverstein was talking about our world today - a world of computers and cell phones and iPods and PDAs; a world of instants and digitals and colours and sounds. Perhaps Silverstein is appealing to our smarter, better halves - and expressing his frustrations about the quality of the social structures we call our society. I'd like to think he's calling us on our obsessive compulsions with instant gratification.

Then again, maybe he's just a crazy poet.

My grandfather is one of the smartest people I know. He's taken basically everything in the world apart, and put it all back together again. He knows how things work, and he's even patented a few inventions in his life. But I spent 15 minutes explaining my iPod to him, and he still only barely understands it. He's implicated a new rule for family gatherings: if you want to use your cell phone, you've got to take it outside. 'I don't want to see them', he says. 'I'm tired of you being antisocial in my house.' But the way I see it, aren't we being more social - ANTI-antisocial, if you will - by carrying on face-to-face AND texting conversations?

When it comes to technology, there are apparently only two sides - those who support technology, and those who oppose it. But I'd like to think that there is more of a grey area: perhaps those who support technology, but in moderation. I'd place myself in that category, because, personally, I love the freedom technology gives me.

Technology allows me to communicate with loved ones all over the world. Technology allows me to record my thoughts as fast as I think them, and rewrite them later on with only a few keystrokes. Technology allows me and my parents the comfort of knowing there's always a line of communication available between us.

So what does say, a newspaper allow? Dust. To collect on your recycling pile.

Readers, our parents' generation survived without iPods. No cell phones, no computers, no PlayStations. Many of our parents may not have had TVs until they were our age or older. Sounds terrifying, I know. And although I consider myself something of a tech advocate, this really should make us stop and reconsider our obsessions.

Maclean's magazine published an article once where they referred to us as 'the iPod generation'. Now think about it. Of all the legacies we could leave behind for our children, does it really have to be an Apple product? I mean, seriously. We, as an entire generation, will be summed up and remembered for one singular piece of technology developed in our lifetime. It sounds so ... degrading. Why couldn't we at least be the 'portable music' generation? Of how about the 'communication' generation, that one's catchy. I'd even be okay with 'the generation that developed the most technological advancements' generation, even if it is a little wordy. I think what it comes down to is that the BIG issue isn't technology itself, it's the misuse of it.

In closing, I'd like to challenge you to think about the possible deeper meanings in the following lines of T.S. Eliot's The Hollow Men:

'Shape without form, shade without color
Paralysed force, gesture without motion
Between the conception and the creation
Between the emotion and the response
Falls the Shadow.
Life is very long.
This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang, but a whimper.'

What a novel idea!

I've been throwing around the idea of writing a book for about 10 years now ... No joke. I've always loved writing and I've been told I'm pretty decent at it, so I think now's finally time to do it. I've got nothing to lose right? So I'm going to post little snippets of it up here and see who reads them, and what they have to say, and ... yeah. Here we go.

Basically, I've decided to write a book about my Converse. They've been with me through a lot, and to a lot of important events in my life and I really think that if they could talk, they'd have a ton of hella cool stories to tell. So I'm going to try and tell them, or some of them anyways.

INTRODUCTION:

Let's go back, back to the beginning; back to when the Earth, the Sun, the stars all aligned ...
~Come Clean, Hilary Duff

Okay, so maybe that's a little too far back. I'm pretty sure the Universe has far too much history to record in just one book. After all, it's clearly much older than any one of us alive today. But maybe - just MAYBE - in this case, the beginning is the exact right place to start.

I am sentimental, probably even to a fault. I'm that girl who remembers the smallest and most insignificant details about an event, which most people would generally forget, and hides them away in her heart, often long after the actual event can even be recalled. That's basically what's happened with my Converse. Not to say they're my 'lucky shoes' or anything. But when I look at them, REALLY look, I see the faint shadows of all the places my Converse and I have been - physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. They're courageous little troopers, these green canvas sneakers. Oh the stories they would tell if only they could talk. Stories of joy and misery, of hope and disappointment, of fear and reassurance. If they spoke, my shoes could tell you tales of epic hugs, of crying in the rain, of final goodbyes, and of standing up for what's right. I'd certainly be in trouble for some of the things they've seen ... but maybe that's beside the point.

Although I'm not promising to keep these stories in order from here on, I am promising to be honest, no matter how scared I get. I have my demons, everyone does; but I'm hoping that through this journey I can overcome them, and maybe even help someone else do the same. I warn you, I might get boring. I might ramble on about some insignificant little nothing, and rabbit trail off onto some obscure random tangent, but I'd love it if you stuck with me (or at least tried!). Maybe we can grow together.

So here we go, let's give this thing a shot. Welcome to my world. Hang on, you're in for one crazy ride.

Grad, boo.

So I got this letter from my third grade teacher, Mrs. Serle on what should have been my graduation day. It made me cry and laugh simultaneously.

* * * * *

Happy Graduation and Congratulations!

I have been keeping this since Grade 3 and I thought you would get a kick out of reading them. Sorry that this is a photocopy, but you were given the original. I know I sure enjoyed reading these future stories again. Enjoy your special day and all the best to you in the future!

Laurie Serle (or Mrs. Serle)

(This part's in my scratchy, third grade writing, fyi)

My Future

Hi, My name is Manda Enns. When I graduate from high School, I want to get a horse ranch, a 2000 VW Beetle, and lots and lots and lots of cows. I want to get a degree and become a vet or an actor, author, or a Farmer. I want to become a Nurse, doctor, or a dentist. If I can't go to University, I want to be a single, stay at home mom. I don't want to get married.

* * * * *

Appears I was indecisive even then :P

On Graduation

What changed from when we were 8 and like, all best friends until now, when it really matters, when we should all be watching each other's backs and taking advantage of every second we have left? This is our last year! I don't understand why we're all wasting it judging each other and being retards. I think it's stupid that we're fighting so much when in like, a week, we're out of here. These people that we've spent a good portion of our whole lives with are all going to go their own way and live their own life and we're never getting our high school years back. Ever! I just feel like we've spent all this energy hollowing out these little cubbies in society and all we've done is wasted what should have been the best years of our lives. Because in a little while, we're gonna be working and getting apartments and going to college and getting cars and starting families and the fact is we're not coming back. This year, these past 12 years, we don't get a second chance. We don't get a do-over. We have to move on, and live with the choices we've made and I guess I'm just not ready to do that yet. Life was so much better when I was 8.

On Relationships

Initially, it may have appeared to many as if the two could not stand even the mere sight of one another. She would insult him, to his face and in front of others, and he would respond by, essentially, ignoring her very existence. Neither showed any particular affection for the other, and neither seemed at all bothered by said fact. Although, if one were to perambulate their relationship further, one would discover that the two were, in actualiy, utterly inseperable, and, despite their frequent abuse and perpetual nagging, they were, in fact, completely best friends.

However, this dynamic remained, to a large extent, hidden from the general populace, and it was only under close investigation and by extreme chance that one ever saw the two NOT belitting each other. Moreover, the minute number of people who DID witness such madness were often far too terrified of these assumed hallucinations to ever actually speak of such events again. Therefore, the two were able to continue their act of being as loathsome and severely unappealing to each other as before, and their relationship was very rarely questioned.

You Can Do This

Grow up
Stop caring about what others think of you
Because trust me,
You're amazing
Just the way you are.

You don't need to be afraid
The world loves you
You are radiant
Like the first crisp snowflakes of winter.

Stop pretending you're something else,
You're robbing the world of You when You do.

You are unique.

Don't live in regret of Yesterday
Or fear of Tomorrow
Because Today is all you can control.

Live it up.

On Pain

Was there a heart that split like mine?
A soul that broke as such?
A mind that felt this searing pain?
Will I survive this much?

I feel I have a role to play
A mask that I must wear
My tears become my sacrifice
My screams, a twisted prayer.

I find Myself alone again
A cutting fear distracts
Cold hatred pressed against my wrist
I'm slipping through the cracks.

I will not let Me fall apart
Or let you see Me cry
You cannot watch Me break again
Or be the reason why.

I wish I could erase my past
Live down all my regret
I'd make you all remember Me
Then make you all forget.

If you could walk a mile for Me
In my shoes, if you please
My life would rip your soul in half
And bring you to your knees.

The things I wish you saw in Me
The scars my bruised heart bears
Then you would know just what it's like
To feel like no one cares.

On Playfulness

Someimtes, Life requires challenging things of us. We are pulled in many different directions, and it feels as if there is no way to please everyone. It is in these times that we need to stop, take a step back from our busy lives, and look at the world through the eyes of a child.

Imagine your perfect place, a shimmering garden willed with magic and beauty. All around you, fairies and nymphs dance happily. They sing and laugh with each other in their paradise. Swans coast gracefully across a glimmering pond, surrounded by delicate willows and the sweet aroma of fresh flowers in bloom.

Look at the flowers. They are roses and daisies in all colors of the prism - blue and reds and purples and pinks, greens and oranges and yellows. They sway in the wind elegantly, back and forth in time to some unheard music. The breeze kisses them each gently, and sings its ethereal song to them.

There is a rainbow high above you, nestled lazily in the fluffy white clouds. The colours - how vibrant! You have never seen such iridescence, and you are overwhelmed by its exquisite beauty.

So the next time you feel overcome by the stresses of life, stop to take the time to be playful and free, in your Imagination. Release your fears into your perfectly symmetrical garden, your own personal bliss.

I am an ADULT.

I can vote
buy alcohol
leave the country by myself
take out a loan
get a tattoo
any buy a house (or a car)
This is what being an adult means.

It also means I can watch Hannah Montana if I feel like it.

Hello Crowd

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Performer, and I'll be your entertainment for tonight. Better watch out. When I take the stage, I'll make you want to listen. By the end of the show, you'll be wrapped up in my every word, my every move, my ever note. There's a million others who do it just like you, but there's only one of me. And after me, nothing will compare. You'll spend the rest of the night wanting more. You won't know what hit you. I'll have you in the palm of my hand, right where I want you. I'll play a part for you, and you'll respond by hanging off my every breath. It's easy if you do it right.

This mask I wear is one not easily torn off. You'll never hear me say it, but everything I do, I do for you. To show you how desperately I want you to love me. Your approval feeds this monster inside me, hitting me like a drug so I can't think or speak or move or breathe without it. No other feeling gets me this high. It's the thrill of the stage, baby. This is what you get when you let your heart win.

Rock and roll baby, don't you know that we're all alone now?
I need something to sing about.
Crushcrushcrush ~ Paramore

Quiet Room

Somewhere, in the deepest depths of Me
There is a sound
The sound of Silence
The sound of a million words never spoken
A thousand sorrows never mourned
A hundred melodies never sung.

The sound of a heart breaking
The sound of a life living
The sound of a fear dying
Or seeing the light of day once more.

The sound of all the rights
And of the wrongs too.

The achievements
The failures.

There is the sound of happiness
And of misery.

The sound of apprehension
And of comfort.

The sound of the dark
And of the light.

Of trust and mistrust
Of faith and disbelief
Of truth and deceit
Of strength and weakness
Of perfection and vice.

This is the sound of Silence
This is the power of a quiet room.

Memories

The raddest History class
EVER
Awkward dictionary
Awkward turtle
Garbage bag children
Your fruit-challenged brother
Fix You, on repeat
The Game
Spare
Peace out, A-Town
Creepy best friends in elementary
Your mom's pancakes
That's what she said
Wearing our hearts on our sleeves
Trying on EVERY DRESS ... and buying none
The cute emo boy with the bass guitar
AND the checkered shirt
AND the hot voice
A mallet used to kill fish, when spent
Skipping
Making dresses
Unexpected sleepover
HOT GUYS!? WHERE??
Random hugs
One by One
Cake in a bathroom
Boy drama
The curb that got in the way
And a yellow stop sign
Van banquets
That's an interesting way to carry on a conversation

I love you.
Enough said.

And if I don't make it,
Know that I've loved you all along
4 a.m. ~ Our Lady Peace

Seven Years

You left too soon
I didn't even get to say goodbye to you
And now I'm left
With only the few pictures that remain
I should have taken more
When I had the time

You're not here
But can you hear me?
The call that shattered my world
Was the voice that called you home
And now I'm left to hurt
How can I face this world alone?

In my hear, there is an empty space with your name on it that will never again be filled. It is because you're gone, and you're not coming back. I miss you, like I've never missed anything before in my life. I wish you'd never left.

You should be here right now, sharing these last months with us. Choosing a beautiful dress, stressing over a boy, and gossiping about last weekend's party, or the newest couple in the ninth grade. You should have gotten your 18th birthday. You should have made it to the high school. You should have seen the teachers with their shaved heads. I wish you were still here.

Time was stolen from you, and I can't get it back. No matter how hard I try. And it's not fair. I miss you a lot.

No title for this one either

I do not like leaving you. Each time I am required to, there is a struggle within myself to stay. To sit with you, talk with you, breathe with you. I just want to be with you. I feel as if a part of me stays with you, even when we are not together. As if, somehow, we are connected. We've been through much together, you and I. We have laughed. We have cried. We have fought, and reconciled. We have grown, and closer.

If I had a million words on a million pages to describe how much I love you, I'd run out, and you'd be left with an empty, shallow, pathetic fraction of how much I care about you. I don't always know the right words to say, but I know I love you, and I'll always be here for you, no matter what, until the stars fall like rain and there are no more tomorrows left <3

I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the pull of your heart
I miss the still of the Silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in
Come On, Get Higher ~ Matt Nathansen

I kinda hope we're friends forever :)

Tweenbots!

Go to this site, read the description, watch the video, and tell me it's not the cutest thing you've ever seen. I dare you. It's so friggin adorable. It's the most beautiful thing, my heart is hurting from cuteness.

http://www.tweenbots.com/

To the nine weekends that saved my life.

As a shy and uneducated 15 year old, I walk through the doors anticipating defeat. Nerves overwhelm me and I am barely able to speak. A few long and agonizing weeks later, I receive the news: it was good enough. I was good enough.

I restlessly prepare for weeks beforehand. Packing and unpacking. Deliberating on who I want to be. What I want others to see me as, and how to make them see me that way. Never quite right, but as right as I can get it.

Long drive. Good supper. Long drive. So afraid I could hardly breathe. No expectations. I don't even know if I want to be there. Confused. Frightened. Broken home, broken heart. Broken faith in self. Resisting the urge to slink away into the depths of my safe little bubble of darkness. Le others undergo judgment, just not me. Please God, not me.

Familiar faces. I breathe again. I am not completely alone in my fears, there are others with the same apprehensions. We sit together, stay together, none expressing anxieties, but all understanding them. Observing the more experienced and wondering how they could possibly appear so at ease when they are clearly as uncomfortable and anxious as we. They can't be that happy ... can they?

Until one approaches. Then another. Then yet another. And soon, arriving isn't as scary as it once was. Arriving has become my shelter, my saving grace, my redemption. And as time moves slowly on in its weary march, these strange new colleagues I've discovered become less and less frightening. I become accustomed to them. I begin to enjoy their company. And in time, a sentiment I swore I would never again allow: I trust them.

We connect. We relate to each other. These new friends and I, we are all going through the same journey, though some of us are at different point. Some are new, as I was in the beginning. Some have yet to discover the all-encompassing love and acceptance. Others have seen it, and are back to build on it. And yet other's hearts are shattering, knowing that their time in this family is shortly coming to an end.

As I return, time after time, I find myself falling deeper into the soft blanket of salvation. I notice the darkness dissipate from the hidden niches of my life. These friends have invaded all the corners of my heart and purged them of all negativity. I am a new creation.

To the nine weekends that saved my life.

18

Perhaps I will, perhaps I won't
Cross my heart and pray I don't
But if I die before I wake
Please God, repair the hearts I break.

When you sleep in slumbers deep
You don't see the tears I weep
A thousand roses, one for each,
Would not portray my sorrow's reach.

People come and people go
But angels never leave, you know
We both forsee the darkness near
So tell me ... why are you still here?

God forbid I shed these tears
For all the pain of wasted years
Grant me peace and rest this night
And let me see the morning's light.

Naaaaameless

Life is many a curious thing. It's never the same, but it only changes when you least expect it to. You can try to control it, you can try to direct it, but in the end, not one of us can. Life is not for human comprehension. It is for all the angelic beings in the heavens above to bless and direct as they wish, and for the terrible monsters in the depths of Hell to manipulate and twist as much as they can.

{Choose your weapon}

Sometimes Life throws events at us that, in hindsight, leave us wondering how we ever could have possibly survived without them. Other times, however, Life leads us to circumstances that we so no possible way through.

{I have a bad feeling about this}

Life is a journey of opposites. Life is an expression of self, through the creation of the Divine and His will for us. Life is not made for us to understand, but rather for us to ponder. Life was given, and may be taken away. Life was created and can be destroyed. Life is short, but will seem long.

{Living is the leading cause of dying}

Dear Manda;

Here are a few things I think you should know:

Money buys things. If you have enough money, you live. If you don't have enough money, you survive. And if you have too much money, people steal it.

Friends are not expendable. You need them. They need you. Yes, you'll fight, but 15 minutes after you call her a terrible friend, you'll realize she's one of the best things in your life. So apologize. Don't call her a terrible friend anymore. And put up with her flaws, because you've got some too.

No matter how much or how little eyeliner you wear, it will NOT make you popular. And even though you spend your entire life trying to explain to people that that's not why you wear it, they won't listen. And they'll call you a poser. Just like if you wear tight pants and dye your hair black. They're the posers. They don't understand that people actually do things for reasons other than looking cool. So keep doing what you want for whatever reasons you want and ignore them because they're useless.

Some people annoy you on occasion. Some people annoy you on frequent occasion. This is no excuse to hurt them. They are still people, no matter how much they follow you or how many stupid questions they ask. God still loves them. You should try it.

Long thick hair is the spawn of Satan.

Finding friends in unexpected places is magical. Those people you randomly hung out with one day? They're cool too. Don't give in to the pressure of staying in your own group of friends. Step out of your comfort zone, and you'll have much more fun in life.

Food prepared by genuinely nice old ladies will always fix a broken heart. No matter who broke it or how.

Making lists is the best way to arrange your thoughts in the order of when you think of them. It is not necessary for there to be significance in the order in which you place them, but parents, teachers, and other adulty-type people are more likely to give you things if you at least attempt to look organized (and trust me, they rarely find out you aren't).

Your opinions are just fine. You don't have to change them for anyone else if youdon't want to. People who change their mind because other people say so are called conformists. And although they seem to be the most popilar right now, they'll grow up to be a grand total of nothing special, because they're spineless. You might think you want to be one of them, but you're wrong.

Randomly bursting into song is only allowed in movies. People look at you strange if you do it too often. You want to avoid this.

Making people laugh is the most wonderful thing you can do. Better than buying them something, better than compliments, better than giving advice. Sometimes all someone needs is a little humour in their life to put it all in perspective.

Emo boys are hot. Period.

Some girls will think you are strange for thinking emo boys are hot. They have clearly not met an emo boy.

Chuck Norris jokes are always funny. Even when you're heard them a thousand times, you are still laughing - at least on the inside - when you hear them.

Song lyrics never exactly explain your life unless you write them yourself. And writing songs isn't lame. It's creative. People who think writing songs is lame are mindless MTV zombies with no backbone. They also quite possibly buy their personalities at American Eagle, or a store of the like.

Homework and Water do not mix nicely. Water has a never-ending vendetta against Homework, and when the two meet, Water wins.

'42' is basically the universal answer to any question life can throw at you. However, if this should fail, you can try 'possibly', 'in a minute', 'mac and cheese', or 'I just lost the Game'. These five answers will conquer awkward silences in almost any conversation, and more often than not, will actually revive it (just don't use any of these in response to inquiries of a serious nature).

I wish I had learned this sooner. But now's your chance to learn from my mistakes, and be better than I've been. Grow. Believe. Love many, trust few. Choose your battles wisely. You know I've always got your back.

Love forever,
Manda

On Life

Dreams are just memories
That haven't come to pass.

Stop to smell the roses
Smile
Do a crazy dance
Compliment someone
Skip down a hallway
Create
Hold the hand of someone you love
Mismatch your socks
Play in a cardboard box
Leave a note on someone's pillow
Coat your room in chalkboard paint
Recycle
Listen to a band you don't like for a change
Line your sock drawer with wrapping paper
Paint your face
High-five yourself in public
Draw
Make a t-shirt with your name on it
Write your future kids a letter
Mail your Christmas cards in July
Imagine
Be noisesome
Make a playlist of all the songs you love
Send someone a thoughtful text
Light a candle for someone you miss
Cry
Take a shower with all your clothes on
Give yourself a good talking to
See how many clors you can get into one outfit
Explore
Play Scrabble and be all the players
Do something you love each day.

Yesterday is the past; tomorrow is the future.
Today is a gift, that's what they call it 'the present'.

Trying to Make Sense of This Puzzle Called Life

I wear my heart on my sleeve
Don't you know?
You should have noticed by now
It's plain as day
Right there, on my shoulder
It's magenta.

How could you do this to me?
You said you were my friend
But now
Oh now, now, now
You've wrecked all my plans.

I'm a trainwreck
But the most gorgeous trainwreck you've ever seen.

Just when I thought I finally had everything figured out ...
You step in
And make everything a mess again.

Thanks a lot, I owe you one
Watch out, cause I always pay my debts.

Inadequacy

Inadequacy is a part of life. Some may even say inadequacy is human nature. And perhaps it is so. But. To be inadequate is not so much a display of insufficiency as it is an example of one's poise. Inadequacy comes on the heels of self-recognition, self-consciousness, and self-awareness. Inadequacy is the most challenging of emotion to overcome, and in the end, one is no better off after admitting one's flaws than prior.

In delving into one's soul, the deeps niches of our inner beings, we are able to discover our flaws. This painful experience often allows us to encounter sides of ourselves that were previously unknown.

We have to allow our faults into the light of day. Hiding doesn't solve problems, neither does ignorance or disregard. The only way to gro is to acknowledge our imperfections.

Sounds like a good time.

J'adore tu.

A moment
It's there, then it's gone.
I etch it all into my memory
Every detail of your face becomes a part of my remembrance
In case the day comes when I can't see you again.

I don't want to forget.
I don't need to forgive.
Nothing is wrong.
Everything is right.

Emotion and response,
Just as it should be.

Speak
And I will remember your voice.
Laugh
And I will laugh too.
Smile
And the world is a brighter place.
Leave
and I will be counting the seconds
Until you return.

Thank You

To legwarmers - even in summer
Purple ones, green ones
Striped ones with buttons.

To site assessing
And riser duty - boo
Don't drop the electronic piano!

To meeting new people
Friendships that will never die
These memories will never fade.

To the best nine weekends
Challenging, but worth it
Practice ... practice ... concert.

It's go time guys <3

The Never-Ending Story

She sat on her bed, pen suspended over the pad of paper she was holding. She gazed thoughtfully, if not absent-mindedly, at the smiley face clock on her nightstand. It had been a birthday present from her sister. She wracked her brain for something, anything, that she could write down to destroy the blankness of the page. A blankness meant no story, and no story meant frustration. Until, that is, she wrote something down. An idea came to her, just as her favorite song came on over the radio. She scratched it down just in time to sing along with the las chorus of the tune. When she was done, she sat back and read her creation. Here is what she wrote:

(back to top)

What, can't you find the end?

Oh, Envelope

Envelopes are good at holding stuff
Except when they get rained on.
Then they get all soggy
And the stuff inside falls apart.

I wish I was an envelope
But not, cause envelopes fail when rained on.
I don't fail when I get rained on.

Haha Envelope, haha.

Manda > Envelope

I win :)

Eyes

They say eyes are like windows into your soul. Eyes expose the part of you that you hide away from the rest of the world. Eyes can let people in, and eyes can block people out. Eyes accede to light, but also to darkness.

Eyes can give away all your secrets, so you'd better watch out.

I dare you to look me in the eyes
That's where the deepest part of me resides
And I'm not the monster they made me out to be
So judge not on what you hear, but what you see
And don't walk away.

I see your footsteps in the sand
I can change, if you would only understand
What it's like to be me
I'm captive and free
Surrounded and alone
Please don't walk away.

On Growing Up

I don't want to grow up.

I don't want to grow up, I don't want to be mature, and I really don't want things to change anymore. I'm tired of things changing, so from now on, they're not allowed to. Things are just going to have to stay the same, and if Things have an issue with that, Things can suck it up!

No, I do want to grow up, to evolve, to become a new creation. But lately I'm kind of feeling like I don't know how. Like, I'm not ready to or I'm going to mess it up. How is anyone ever actially ready to grow up? Who decides that anyway? I don't know. I don't understand, and maybe this time that's okay? I mean, I'm used to not getting math, or bio, or chemistry or whatever, but life? I've always been pretty good at getting life. I sort of wish life had an answer key, because that would make it so much easier to understand.

Ecclesiastes 3 states: 'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. God has made everything beautiful in it's time.'

Maybe growing up isn't something you can sort out or plan, maybe growing up just happens. In it's own time. Maybe my life doesn't have to be laid out step by step. Maybe I just have to be patient.

I never was good at patience.

Sleep

Rest, my dear
Surround yourself with the peaceful sounds of the night
Disappear into the wonderful world of Maybe
Let your weary soul fade
Into beautiful slumber, and dream.

Dream of far away lands
With radiant ponds
And shimmering rainbows
Skies alight with imagination
And delicate flowers in perfect bloom.

Feel the breeze flit through your hair
The sunbeams dance on your shoulder
Close your eyes, butterfly
Let night overcome the day
Let your dreams deliver you to Serenity.

Don't waste Tonight
Because Tomorrow will come in time.

Here Comes The Truck

Deconstruction of the human mind
Losing grip
Lines blurred between Actuality
And Dreams
When Fantasy is better than Reality
Imagination
Dissonance
Alone, in a dark room
Sorrow
Loss
But somehow, understanding
Acceptance
Harmony.

Realism and Perfection Cannot Live In Synch, My Friend

The Boy
The Boy that seems to never care
Nonchalant
Collected
Relaxed
The Boy that lives for the stage
The musician
The artist
The performer
The Boy that has the audience in the palm of his hand
Confident
Brave
Invincible.

He seems invincible
And in some ways he is but
He is still the Boy
Vulnerable
Insecure
Lonely.

My best friend.

I see what he is
What he will become, in time
The Boy
The Boy
The Man.

Observations from the Library

Tick, tick, tick.
No tock?
This clock makes queer noises.
One red chair, and it's brother.
(Because red chairs are always male.)
A student at a table.
Computers.
The new People magazine!
I will read it.

I just lost the Game.
I am ... determined.
Not a quitter.
Someone has texted me and I am hungry.
I want to snack.
I love Munch Mix :)