The cake is a lie.

* 1 18.25 ounce package chocolate cake mix
* 1 can prepared coconut pecan frosting
* 3/4 cup vegetable oil
* 4 large eggs
* 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
* 3/4 cups butter or margarine
* 1 & 2/3 cups granulated sugar.
* 2 cups all purpose flour

Don't forget garnishes such as:

* Fish shaped crackers
* Fish shaped candies
* Fish shaped solid waste
* Fish shaped dirt
* Fish shaped ethyl benzene
* Pull and peel licorice
* Fish shaped volatile organic compounds …
* … and sediment shaped sediment
* Candy coated peanut butter pieces, shaped like fish
* 1 cup lemon juice
* Alpha resins
* Unsaturated polyester resin
* Fiberglass surface resins
* And volatile malted milk impoundments
* 9 large egg yolks
* 12 medium geosynthetic membranes
* 1 cup granulated sugar
* An entry called "how to kill someone with your bare hands"
* 2 cups rhubarb, sliced
* 2/3 cups granulated rhubarb
* 1 tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb
* 1 teaspoon grated orange rhubarb
* 3 tablespoons rhubarb, on fire
* 1 large rhubarb
* 1 cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb
* 2 tablespoons rhubarb juice
* Adjustable aluminum head positioner
* Slaughter electric needle injector
* Cordless electric needle injector
* Injector needle driver
* Injector needle gun
* Cranial caps

And it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents and gas and odor control chemicals, that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.

Dreaming Of Her

I finally finished this one. I posted the first part of it right around this time last February ... It definitely puts into perspective what I've been through in a year. A year ago, I was writing a song based on what I figured a situation would feel like, and now I've finished it with my own very real emotions. So that's what being a songwriter is for you I suppose.

Here it is. Enjoy ... ?
---
I bet you're dreaming of her eyes
I bet you're wishing she was here with you
Instead of me
I bet you want to hold her tight
And when you're holding me, I'm second best
An adequacy

Even though I gave my all for you
And there's no one who's gonna love you like I do
There is nothing anyone can do
Cause still you're dreaming of ... her.

I bet you're thinking about her smile
About the way it lights up every room
That's she's ever in
And you would go the extra mile
To see her happy and to know she's smiling
At you again

It never matters what I do at all
Cause there's no one who can save me from this fall
Our picture's hanging on my wall
But you're just thinking of her.

Why did I have to let you into my heart?
And who can I rely on now that you're gone?
The night will come
And I'll fall asleep with you in my dreams
Like the night before the night it all went wrong.

I bet you're dreaming in her arms
I bet she's in the spot that I used to fill so perfectly
I bet she fell for all your charms
A little funny because all your tricks, you learned them from me

I hope you love the way she'll never be
All the little things you used to love in me
Can't believe it took so long to see
That you were dreaming of her.

I bet you never even knew
My heart skipped a beat just every time that you looked at me
And now that you and I are through
I can finally become everything I was meant to be.

Be still

I was not strong enough. I was not a lot of things. I could list them all, feel like trash, and let him win - again. And today, that is such a temptation. So much was stolen from me, so many decisions were made for me, and I never had a chance.

'The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.' Exodus 14:14

Today's devotions led me to Exodus 14, the story of Moses parting the Red Sea. Nothing new, nothing I haven't read before, but verse 14 jumped out at me. It's not that I've never heard it, or never understood it, I've just never needed it so much as I do now. I've never experienced it. It hits closer to home now, I guess. I just have to shut up and be patient, and I'll be granted healing. In learning patience, God will bring me to His divine plan - and it'll be so much better than what I've lost, because it'll be His choice ... not mine.

This passage reminds me that at least SOMEONE is fighting for me. And not just ANY someone, the Someone who has power over oceans and winds and storms. That's the best Someone I could ever ask for.

I am not at peace, not yet. But I'm on my way to believing.

xme

Questions

I find you so distracting,
Is this real, or are you acting
Do you feel the way you say
Will you turn and run away

Are you worth my good intention
In this world so of pretension
Are you worth the fight I'll give
Will you break my will to live

Will you chase me, can you love me
Tell me that you're dreaming of me
Am I on your honest mind
Will you leave your past behind

Do you know me, do you want to
Just what am I to you
Now you've got me on a string
Can you see a single thing?

Are you watching, are you learning
Am I worth the fight of earning
Do you want to know my name
Here we go, let's play this game

Today was hard.

I was able to list of ten things I resent today, so very easily. So now, I'm going to list ten things I'm grateful for, to remind myself of how blessed I really am.

1. My roommates

I have wonderful, wonderful roommates, that love me to pieces. They accept me for who I am, what I look like in the mornings, and how I act after a long, terrible day at work. They love me, and keep loving me. I could not ask for a better support system at the end of the day.

2. The Bunker

I suppose not the physical building, but definitely the people there. I feel accepted and loved by at least SOMEONE every time I go there. I smile more, I laugh louder, I enjoy life a little bit better when I'm there. So very nice to have a healthy and strengthening stress relief at the end of the week.

3. My hair

Call me vain and I'll smack your face off. I love my hair, it makes me so happy. That's why I'm so terrified of the idea of having to give it up. I don't want to not be a redhead. I love the feeling of security I have when I hide behind my hair. It's comforting and soothing and safe. And there are not many things left in life for me right now that are safe.

4. My friends

Blanket item, I know. But I honestly have the greatest group of friends in the world. I wouldn't trade them for the world. The support and comfort they give, even without realizing it. I'm so easy to cheer up. 'We will love the crap out of you.' 'Well I don't hate you.' 'That would make you Jesus.' Simple little things that remind me I'm loved, not hated, and no one cares if I don't have my life together.

5. Food

Shay just bought juice boxes, apple sauce, and cucumbers. In addition to the Ritz crackers, 3% milk, and green Kool Aid hanging out in our kitchen, I'm thankful and grateful for the ability to eat. Some days it's hard, but it's getting better.

6. Jonny's Java

SUCH a small thing. But seriously. Any time, ANY time I go there, I leave slightly more cheered up than when I left. It doesn't matter if I get a beverage or not, I am cheered up by any one who works there. Because the guys are win, and the girls hang out with the win guys and are, therefore, win by association.

7. Kids that make me want to have kids

There were two in the store today. They were two of the cutest kids I've ever seen in my life. And they weren't bratty or obnoxious or loud or irritating. They were cute and funny and sweet and polite and cute. Oops, I said cute twice. They were ADORABLE. Nuff said. Also, I get to go see Makaya tonight, who's cuter than like, twenty buttons.

8. Attractive men that dress well

Sorry if you were wanting deep and meaningful. A man that dresses well makes me smile, and then if he's attractive on top of it? Just makes my day. And I'm not even talking like, stereotypical attractive, well dressed men either. There's something to be said about a guy who can rock a suit, yes. But interesting jewelry or quirky shoes or skinny jeans can be attractive on a guy too. A guy who knows what he wants to dress like, and dresses like it, is very, very appealing.

9. Rest

I am always thankful, at the end of the day, for rest. Not necessarily sleep, just the ability to stop doing things and just exist. I always take a few moments out of every day to just ... be.

10. A free country!

I am a woman. And in some countries in the world, that means I would have no rights. But in this country, not only can I vote, have a job, and choose my own husband, I have the freedom of speech. I can dye my hair WHATEVER colors I'd like. I can get piercings and tattoos if I feel like it. I can go to school, I can work in almost any job a man can work in if I want to, and I can be a strong, independent human being if I want to.

That took MUCH longer than my list of things I resent. I have to work on being more positive, this negativity is really not productive. So that's my prayer for today - that we as a people would learn to turn our hearts towards positivity, and build each other up, instead of being negative and hurting others. This IS the only 2011 we're ever going to get - why would we waste it being miserable? This make this the best year we can possibly make it, so we can look back on it and be proud of what we've accomplished.

Freedom for Egypt!

xme

Say Goodbye

I've never had a song fit quite so exactly into my life.

Things are changing, it seems strange and
I need to figure this out
You've got your life, I've got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left here asking
Where has all the time gone now
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up, and getting older
I don't want to believe it's over

Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't want to hear those words tonight
And maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew this time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Do you remember, in December
How we swore we'd never change?
Even though you're leaving, our feelings
Would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now?
Can we make it last somehow?
We both know what we've got to say, not today
Cause I don't want to leave this way

And if it's over,
It hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always happy like we were.

Goodbye.

I hate Valentine's Day

Post comments about your lovely/perfect/wonderful significant other and I will delete them. I have no tolerance for this nonsense today. It's not entirely that I'm bitter and jaded about love, it's just that I'm kinda over the whole Valentine's Day thing to begin with. I mean. Everyone's been all worried about me lately, saying things like, 'Oh, it's going to be so rough without him'. But to be honest, it wasn't that great WITH him. The first one we knew each other, we weren't even dating, and it was kind of ignored even though we liked each other. And the second one, he made me a card, which was sweet, but like. Yeah. I've never had one of those amazing Valentine's Days where you just have to tell everyone all about it, and everyone oooohs and aaaahs because your sweetie is such a sweetie. I hate the idea that there are actually guys in the world that feel they can get away with only showing affection ONE DAY OF THE YEAR ... How is that fair? Whatever. I believe that if you love someone, you shouldn't need a Valentine's Day at all. But like I said, maybe that's just because I've never had a really great one.

Aaaaanyways. I'm kicking this cold's butt. It's exiting my body today, thanks to taking it easy all day today and yesterday. I've napped twice today, AND I slept nine hours last night. So this virus is D-O-N-E.

I really have not a whole lot else to post about, seeing as I last posted at like, 2 this morning. And like I mentioned in THAT post, I really hadn't meant to, I just couldn't seem to stay asleep then. So then I just slept until noon instead :)

I'm not pumped about working tomorrow. I need another job. Please pray that I find the job that God wants me in ... I'm hoping it's one I enjoy, but we'll see what He chooses for me. Today, btw, I am thankful that my roommates are amazing. I mean, I'm ALWAYS thankful they're amazing, but today just seems as if they are slightly more amazing than usual. I think I might go join my roommate in a peel mask ... It smells like cucumber :)

Sorry for the lame post today, I was hoping for a lamp shade in the treasure chest, but instead all Shay got was a bow. Ah well, next time.

xme

PS.

http://www.youtube.com/user/ihebby#p/c/DB5438352314DC27/5/_e1TXfCbSUY

This is my new friend Jeff. He's good people. He's one of those people that makes you think a lot. Every time I chat with him at all, I end up leaving with just as many questions as when we started, but they're always a little different, and a little deeper. So. Yeah. This video's one of those things that makes me think. Well parts of it. I mean, he talks about frostbite, and then he talks about the Bunker for a bit WHICH EVERYONE SHOULD ATTEND, but if you want to ignore the first two minutes of the video, meh. I'm chill with that. It's what he talks about at about two minutes in that's too legit to quit. Check it out, he's a cool guy, and he's got good ideas on stuff. There. Shameless plug DONE.

It's about flexibility

'(1)Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sing that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (2) Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.'
Hebrews 12:1&2, NIV

Sorry this is such a late post, btw. I wasn't really planning on staying up this late, but I just can't seem to be able to sleep yet. Not sure why not though. So here I am, sitting at the Mac in a dark room, typing out ... whatever I'm trying to type out. My emotions are kind of frazzled today.

Today I went to a different church than I had been attending the last couple weeks. I just felt I should try something else, seeing as it's pretty tough right now to go to the church I was attending. I'm kinda done putting myself in situations that hurt me. So I went to Pathway with some of my friends from the Bunker, and it was awesome. It was definitely a new way of experiencing God! Very out of my comfort zone, but amazing at the same time. Rob talked about how we need to be cautious of the decisions we make, because they can so quickly lead to sin. He challenged us to look at four different questions when making even the smallest decisions in our lives:

1) Does this choice meet God's approval?
2) Does this choice honor my family (both biological and Christian)?
3) Does this choice help others?
4) Does this choice make my life better?

I think I'll put that into practice. There are some immediately clearer choices in my life right now, and it hurts that they were so simple to see, yet I missed them until now. Way to be observant :S

I'm so tired, but somehow, I can't sleep. I hate this feeling. I almost never get this way, and it's frustrating. I think I'm going to go dive back into my Bible a little ... See what God has for me there.

Goodnight all!

xme

I'M STILL ALIVE, I SWEAR.

... Barely though. Oh my lanta. This cold is back for round two with a vengeance. It's not cool. And just in time for a super weekend. Excellent.

'The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.' (Psalm 51:17) It's nice to be reminded sometimes that God loves when I come to Him ripped and worn and broken.

I am liberated. It took me seven weeks to realize it, but that's what I am. I'm not destroyed, I'm not lost, I'm not dying. I am liberated. And that's a really nice realization.

Today will be a good day. If I was wearing socks, they'd be mismatching. But instead, I'm on a flats kick and I'm wearing pantyhose. I HATE pantyhose. *mumbles darkly* But I prefer pantyhose over blisters and whatnot. Sooo. Thurrr we go.

I'm kinda pumped for the weekend. New friends, new church, new jeans. I'm being taken out of my comfort zone and I like it, very much. Although I'd prefer if I didn't have a red, irritated, congested, runny nose to go with it >.< Also, I wouldn't mind having a voice today. But that's alright. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow? Hope so, cause I've gotta work. In actuality, tomorrow will likely end up being quite a long day. Work, driving, church, driving, Melissa time (which YOU KNOW means we're staying up late) and then waking up at a moderately early time of day on Sunday. Blahg. I can has caffeine? :D

I'm out guys, Cori sounds like she might be resembling something close to ready to go shopping. I'm pumped for the new straight legs we got in at work, I'm gonna go buy some. And maybe another pair of skinnies. But when am I not buying more skinnies. I need some Bunker-worthy skinnies ... mine aren't tight enough.

xme

Did you forget?

Did you forget that I was even alive
Did you forget everything we ever had
Did you forget, did you forget, about me

Did you regret ever standing by my side
Did you forget what we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget about us

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess this is where we have to stand
Did you regret ever holding my hand
Never again, please don't forget, don't forget

We had it all, and we were just about to fall
Even more in love than we were before
I won't forget, no I won't forget about us

And at last, all the pictures have been burned
And the past is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget, please don't forget us

Somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you can't sing along
Because you've forgotten about us.

Sometimes, people walk into the hurt they feel. But sometimes, the only reason they deserve hurt at all is that they gave too much, or they tried too hard. There are times in life when I find myself having to remember that, in the end, when I point a finger at someone, how many fingers are pointing back at me? I try to be slow to place blame. I try to resist temptations of judgment. But - shocker! - sometimes I fail. I'm human, sue me. I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be.

So here's what it comes down to - I've had to fake so much of myself over the last two years of my life. I didn't gauge my ears. I didn't wear my skate shoes with skinnies. I didn't pierce my lip or eyebrow, or get my tattoo. I gave up things I wanted for things I thought I wanted more.

But in the end, you should never have to be something you're not to be someone's perfect. The one you're meant to be with won't ever ask you to change, not the things that make you who you are. There's compromise, sure, but then there's changing your values. I took my purity ring off for a year, and that wasn't okay. It was something I stood for, I shouldn't have had to give that up for a guy. I shouldn't have had to fake it, every single time, and pretend I was still confident with who I was. I wasn't. I'm not. But I will be, because I'm someone's first choice!

In the end, readers, you've gotta do things that mean something to you - you've really got to get behind your actions. If you're not into what you're doing, if you don't feel it, you're not living. And I'm done not living - I want to fly!

Goodnight all, I had a great day watching Tim Burton films, cooking bacon, and eating brownies with Ariele - http://nerdwords-r-us.blogspot.com/ - and I am DEFINITELY tired. Stalk me on Facebook though, and I'll probably respond.

Also, thanks for bothering to read this. I've always said, if you ever want to know how I'm feeling, read my blog. It's not private, it's not secret, it's open and honest and real. I'm not going to hide anything from you guys, so feel free to read and comment at your will :)

xme

I don't really know what to post on today.

Church again today. I aaaalmost didn't go. I wasn't feeling very enthusiastic about it, but I decided to go anyways. I kind of thought, if I get there and don't feel up to being there, I can leave. So I went. I didn't leave, and I really got a lot out of the message :)

The practical applications of the book of Jeremiah are so much more than I expected. Pastor Phillip spoke today on God's call to His chosen people. They were living in sin and had walked away from Him, but He was gracious enough to extend one last chance, Jeremiah, to them.

'This is what the Lord says: Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.'

God gave them a final ultimatum, and His people ignored it. So, He told them, 'I am bringing disaster on this people, the fruit of their schemes, because they have not listened to my words and have rejected my law.' He gave them a chance to repent and redeem themselves, but when they refused, He had reached His limit. God sent the king of Babylon, a nation of other gods, to destroy Israel. They were God's chosen people, the ones He set apart in covenant. But He still tore them down when He was ignored. God doesn't take well to being ignored ... He'll allow things into your life to break you, just to bring you back to Him.

Alright, enough preaching now. I'm off to have some lunch now, and then after that I'm not sure. I believe the evening holds a few hours of Sandra time, which I'm going to say, I'm pretty pumped about. And tomorrow, Burtonstock '11 with Ariele (http://nerdwords-r-us.blogspot.com/ ), which. Seriously. An entire day of Tim Burton movies? You know you're jealous. Plus we're making breakfast ... don't worry, I'll have the fire department on speed dial >.<

Thanks again for sticking with me, readers. It's much appreciated. I enjoy your comments and responses to things I've talked about. Don't feel too shy about contacting me, I love feedback on my writing, both positive and negative.

SO. For now, I'm out. MY prayer for today is that God will be gracious to you this week ... what's yours?

xme

Try to forget love, cause love's forgotten me ...

You've never been so used as I'm using you
Abusing you, my little decoy
Don't look so blue, you should have seen right through
I'm using you, my little decoy
Decoy ~ Paramore

I've been listening to this song a lot lately, and I've just realized lately how much I've been applying it to my own life. So many decoy friends. So many people who are in my life because I feel I need to keep them. So many friends who don't love me, who don't need me, and who don't want me, taking up time spent with the ones that fix every broken part of me. I'm done faking it. I'm going to get rid of all the fake friends in my life, the ones who aren't helping me get through what I'm going through.
---
Yesterday, my devos were on 'Promises Worth Waiting For'. I read about Abraham and his wife Sarah, and their desire for a child. But God made them wait. And when they took it into their own hands, He had to punish them for it. When we dive into things without God's okay, we open ourselves up to a whole new world of hurt that God never intended for us. He loves us and wants us to be happy, but He also wants us to trust His perfect intentions. I'm starting to learn that. It's slow going, but I have a friend who will never leave me for anyone else!
---
Today's devotions smacked me in the face too. Today's was about 'Letting Go Of The Familiar', which has been most of my problem over the last few weeks. I had this perfect little life all planned out, and then it collapsed underneath me. God's been calling me for weeks to let that life go, move on, follow Him, and all I can think of is harbouring hate and anger and resentment for the life that I once had. That's not what Christianity is about! I wear a WWJD bracelet ... it's time to start living that.

To the one who stole my pride: I forgive you. I don't want to. No, PART of me doesn't want to. But the rest of me, the much bigger part, realized that it's the best way to cleanse you out of my life. I need to move on, and let go of you. You're familiar, yes. But you're not good for me. You're good for someone, I'm sure. God has a plan for you, too. But right now, I feel that plan does not include me. I have been pushing myself into your life, disguising it as God's will. But it wasn't. In the end, the closer I was to you, the more pain and suffering I could cause. The further in your life I burrowed, the more I could destroy it. I was staying with you for the wrong reasons; and we BOTH deserve better than that. I'm out of energy, I'm out of justification, and, now, I'm out of your life.

Lover, don't act so surprised,
My little decoy so polite
Never saying never but
Drive the knife to every cut.

Dig it out, begin again
Finding ways to live, and then
Killing time, you're killing me
What did you not see in me?

Maybe I'll finish that one. Although, for those of you that know me ... I procrastinate a lot. So I probably won't. But that's alright :)

Here's hoping you guys are having a great day. I hope everything you're anticipating in life today becomes a little easier to wait for.

xme

I'm gone.

These are all the things I'll never say to you, and you'll never read, so it's all the same if I post them here.

I hurt you more times than I can even remember.
I wanted the idea of you more than I wanted you.
I loved you all along.
I'm done making the effort for someone who doesn't want me.
I hope when you see me, it hurts you.
I hope when you see me, there is healing in you.
I hope when you see me, I don't see you.
Don't forget, it was through me that you became who you are today.
In time, I may be your friend, but only if you truly want me to be.
I am someone's FIRST choice. Not second, not third. FIRST.
I deserve better than this hurt.
I deserve every ounce of this hurt.
I hope you hurt like I do.
I hope you never feel like I do.
I'm better off without you.
I want you to admit you miss me.
I find it very freeing to be without you.

And even though you've already heard it, just in case you forgot:

I was fixed when you left.

Goodbye, for now, forever, for a time. I don't know. But what I do know, you're in the same place you were. But me? I'm gone.

xme