There's nothing left to prove

There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's nothing in between
You know the truth

Nothing left to face,
Nothing left to lose,
But nothing takes your place.

I deleted you out of my life more than you deleted me. You tried, but failed, because you're so afraid of looking like a jerk. You don't have to try and save face anymore, cause I'm gone. I'll leave you alone now.

But just so we're clear ... I've won.

So much for the showdown ...

It never should have come to this. I don't know who let who down but really. We've failed. I have fallen down, and I can't do this alone. I feel like I was wrong when I said I could survive without you. And I've never been so angry as when I saw you were with her. I know I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't get a knot in my stomach when I see your name. I shouldn't hate driving past your house. I shouldn't despise the music you used to talk to me about. Because it's not like you did anything wrong. You were always perfect, weren't you? Always right. Always the goddamn center of attention. Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, someone else was more deserving? That someone else wanted the spotlight? No, you never did. It was always your stage. And to hell with anyone who tried to share it with you.

I think it would be alright if you were amazing. But when it comes right down to it, when the lights come up and the crowd leaves, you're really nothing special. I used to believe you were. I thought the sun and the moon and the stars hung themselves in the sky purely for your enjoyment. Morning was a reflection of your smile, night was the sun's rest from beholding your beauty. And I always hoped you would look upon me and be able to find me satisfactory. I desperately wanted to be good enough for you. And you would be blind to miss the attempts I made. But somehow, after all I did for you, nothing was deemed adequate, and I have been thrown out and forgotten, like yesterday's news.

One day, once you've grown up and realized that the universe was not created for your amusement, I hope you'll be able to see me as a person, not a prop. Maybe, someone will use you as you used me, and you'll understand the pain of being worthless in another's eyes. But until then ... Goodbye. You can try and replace me, but you never will. No one will ever fight as hard for you as I did.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you'll ever read it anyways. Thanks for never giving a damn.

10 things about Manda:

I do not put makeup on to feel pretty, I put makeup on to feel creative.
I am a perpetual train wreck.
My eyes change color: green to grey to blue depending on the day.
I am indecisive to a fault.
I have a scar on my right index finger knuckle from a cheese grater.
I am an excellent liar.
My favorite color is GOSH Extreme Art Eyeliner in 11.
I drive a soccer mom van. His name is Charlie.
I have never pumped my own gas.
This whole 'growing up' business is beating the snot out of me.

Advice

'There are warning markers in our history books, written down so that we don't repeat their mistakes. Our positions in the story are parallel - they at the beginning, we at the end - and we are just as capable of messing it up as they were. Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless.'

010//11-1201CORINTHIANS

I'm reading The Message. It's a good book.

UPDATEUPDATEUPDATE.

Kay. So I haven't updated in months (AGAIN). I'm rubbish at this blogging deal. But I've been up to a lot in the last two months especially, and I wanted to share it with the four of you that read this :P So here we go:

ON MOVING OUT:

Yes. I actually moved out. It was scary and spontaneous and ridiculously sad but I did it and I'm loving every second of it. Well except for the paying my own bills part. That kind of sucks. But otherwise, I'm enjoying the freedom of having my own place. I think my parents are going into a panic attack hoping they taught me well enough so that now that I don't have them to look after me, I'm still a responsible, decent human being and just for the record YES. They did. I'm a more or less good person. But let me tell you. THANK GOD for overdraft protection.

ON LOVE:

Imma keep my boyfriend. Kthanx.

ON ROOMMATES:

My roommates rock SO hardcore. There's four of us in the house, which you'd think would be smothering, but it's really incredible, because everyone respects everyone's space and we all work quite wonderfully together. The biggest issue so far was who got to clean up house party vomit ... And Shay took one for the team quite graciously. Gold star. But seriously, these guys are great. I'm super enjoying living with them.

ON WORKING:

**THIS SECTION HAS A LOT OF STUFF IN IT.**

I WAS working two jobs, at the time of my last post of last year. Waitressing part time at a bookstore cafe, and serving fries and Big Macs at McDonald's. Boo McDonald's. I liked the people I worked with, and I liked getting half-priced food, but I really didn't like anything else about that job. Quite frankly, I hated most of it. BUT. I was in Shopper's one day, and asked the cosmetician who was working at the time what kind of training she had to have to work there. She informed me that all the training was done on the job and through the brands, and also asked me if I was interested in a job. So I applied. Two weeks later I had my interview and I was hired shortly thereafter. I started three weeks ago, and I love it. SO. I gave my two weeks at McDonald's and now I don't come home smelling like a french fry anymore :)

Working an eight hour shift behind a counter is a lot more difficult than working an eight hour shift as a waitress, I've learned. I mean, a waitress is walking around all day, whereas when standing behind a counter all day, you just ... stand behind a counter all day. So ... yeah. My knees hate me. Like A LOT. But they'll deal and get tougher and such and it'll be all good because I get to talk about makeup and skin care for a living.

Brb door.

AWKWARD. My roommates dad just came over (who's really nice) and asked for my roommate. Who was in the shower. With his girlfriend. Who his parents don't know he's dating. Yikes.

But I think that's about it for now. I'm out of here cause my hands is cold and I does not has le ambition to type anymore.

Later days!

Emotive monologue anyone?

'The whole world could ignite trying to please you, and after the flames died down, still be willing to suffer through it all again if that's what it would take to keep you. It's not love we're after. We want the flames, the burns, the pain. That's why there's no surprises with us - we both know exactly what is going to happen, and yet we are willing to give anything for it. We can't win this. We were never meant to win this. We were meant to chase and fight and struggle for something we don't even want in the first place. It was never our intention to be this way. We didn't ask for it. And we started out alright. But no matter what we do, or say, or think, we can't deny the inevitable. We are broken people. And because of that, we break everything around us. We're not soulmates. We're not star-crossed lovers. We're two stupid teenagers, and regardless of what we pretend, we have no idea what we're doing. and out of 7 billion people in the world, we two never should have met.'

That's a monologue from a story I'm writing.
Kthanx.

iiiit's Sunday.

Yep, just another lazy Sunday afternoon and I'm stalking Youtube. I'd like to say I've got nothing better to do but I should probably be doing dishes or something. Whatever. I'm tired. Last week was long, but this next week will be even longer. I'm 18, and I've taken a second job. Wtf.

SPEAKING OF WTF. I came across a video of Lady Gaga doing Paparazzi on the piano. It was the wierdest thing I've seen in a while. Hmm.

I need a shower. My hair is ... suspicious looking. I'm sort of bleh today. I'm going out later though, so I should probably take care of the shower sitch now. I don't even know what time it is. My dad's watching NASCAR so it must be between noon and three. Phone says 1:47. Deal. I'm off then, shower time.

Peace/ecaeP, because I don't discriminate against the dyslexic.

I effing hate Truth or Dare ...

... particularly when I pick dare. Thank you very much, Mel Beakley. For the next day I have to replace 's' in my vocabulary with 'z'.

It'z really not az eazy az it zoundz. I've already been doing it for a day and it'z ZO hard. Which may be what zhe zaid. ZEE!? It'z annoying! Ergh. Like LOLCATZ or zomething. Whatever. Regardlezz.

Firzt day of work today, and wow. What a learning curve. I mean, I really think I'm going to enjoy it, but zeriouzly? It was rough. Pretty challenging, actually. There'z a lot of thingz to remember :/ But everyone I work with zeemz lovely, and there'z zome quite amuzing regularz that I have a feeling will be quite entertaining. Zo. All in all? The day was a giant zuccezz.

Pluz my boyfriend left a ztop zign with a REALLY cute note on the hood of my van thiz evening, even after we had a bit of a fight. It waz zo zweet. And the note? In Latin. No big deal. Yeah, he knowz Latin. Incredibly attractive? OH YEAH.

If you're waiting for poetry, or a zong, I'm zorry, but thiz iz juzt a normal pozt. Well. Except for all the extra z's. I juzt felt a little bloggy today. Off to bed zoon though, I'm tired.

Peace!

This song is not finished.

I watched your face fall as you said goodbye for a little while
I'd give anything to hear your laugh, or see your pretty smile
The funny thing is I don't mind that you're so far away
Cause I know you dream about home when you're sleeping

And I, I guess I'm not ready to let you go
I don't want to say goodbye

If you have to leave again,
Would you please take a piece of my heart when you go?
Could you forget me then?
You see, I've got to be sure that you always know
I'll count the days you're gone, and I'll be
Waiting when you come home.

* * * * *

Today, while I was driving home from my grandparent's place, I saw a giant green bus, just like the one the Choir travelled in. I had to pull over to collect myself enough to keep driving, and dig out Kleenex to wipe my streaming eyes.

I am a suck.

BUT I GOT A JOB :D

Waitressing, at a little bookstore cafe in Morden. Part time, but I have one more interview next week for a second part time job, so hopefully I'll get that one too!

Kthnx :]

It was the summer of my life ♥

{Posting twice in one day is strange for me ...}

Dear Summer '09;

As you're drawing to a close, I figured I would take the opportunity to say some things that I feel need to be said ...

First of all, thank you. You gave me my wings, and taught me how to fly on my own. I've never had the freedom and independence that I had with you, and I've never grown as much as I have over the last two months. I've learned so much - water balloons and traffic don't mix, for example. I've made new friends and developed closer and deeper relationships with some I already had. There's been some rough patches, yes, but I think that's part of the process, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Secondly, I will never forget you, ever. You gave me so many new memories that I can't even begin to describe all of them to you. I took a chance, and was brave in the face of new experiences - even though I felt I wasn't good enough to begin with. I stayed out until morning broke, and subsequently witnessed the beauty of a sunrise from several new perspectives. I made my own choices - some good and some bad - and I dealt with the consequences. I know it's been difficult, but thanks for seeing me through.

And last, but certainly not least, I will miss you dearly. I never want to let you go. The late nights and early mornings, the suntanning, the parties, the thunder and lightning, the drinks, the songs, the fights, the tears, the mistakes and the triumphs. The give and take, the loss and gain. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and probably the worst too, but I've never been so happy.

Thank you, a million times thank you.
Manda Enns