So much for the lights show.

I am. SO in love with Silversun Pickups right now. Nooo big deal.

BUT ANYWAYS. I got back from camping a few hours ago, had a bit of a nap (epic), and now I suppose I'm ready to get on with my life.

Oh wait, no, I'm actually not.

IN FACT. I'm even LESS ready to get on with my life now than I was before I went camping. A weekend out in the bush being carefree and irresponsible was the most amazing thing I've experienced in a long time, and I desperately didn't want it to end. Laying by the lake for hours, sitting around the fire, driving to town for Jones ... why does summer have to have an end at all?

We're here and we're now and we're all together
So let's make this last forever

I'm tired of things ending, things that I WANT to last forever. Of everyone going away. I sort of feel lately like I'm missing out or being left behind or something. It's like ... everyone has a different life now that school's starting again, and somehow I don't fit into it anymore. Like, all the time I've given everyone is just in the past now, and I have to deal with that, whether I like it or not. I didn't think it would hurt this much to see everyone leave, but it's, honestly, the most painful experience of my life.

Ashley, we're done for if we don't stick together.

Wrong again.

I've never loved a person quite so much as I love you
But I'm so far from perfect, and there's nothing I can do
I'd give my breath to make you smile, or brighten up your day
You're beautiful, inside and out, in every single way.

Everything about you makes my heart feel light as air
You want your bliss? Well I'd give anything to take you there.

At times, I'm sane and wonder why I waste my time on you
I think that maybe this time I can tell you that I'm through
Done with the abuse and all the times you didn't care
The times I let you use me and I faked like it was fair.

Maybe I'll be strong enough to break your hold on me
Maybe I can run away, maybe I'll be free
But then you take me in again, my courage starts to break
I give in to your piercing eyes, and the 'love' I know you fake.

The twisted part about this is I know what you're about
I know your game, I've played it, and I thought that I was out
Then I met you and I realized that all I want is in
I want you to destroy me, and I want you to win.

I want you to take from me all I have to give
Because then if you walk away, I know at least you'll live
Becayse maybe if I let you hurt me, you could - one day - see
The only think you'd ever want, or need, or love ... is me.

[It's not 11:11, but if it was, I'd wish for you ...
Like I do every single time.]

The Opportunity

Some nights when we talk
I'll pick a fight about nothing
Just to see if you still care.
Pick up the phone
And let you scream back at me
So I know that you're still there.

What happened between us?
And now where do we go from here?

I'm done with running in circles to please you
I'm tired of hoping that you're gonna call
Can't hold on much longer, you're just gonna hate me
There's no chance you'll run to me now when you fall
I'm still holding on to what used to be
And I'm waiting for you to say no to me ...
So here's the opportunity.

You made up your mind
I'm not the girl you thought I was
So you walked out of my life.
I don't get a choice?
Not that I'd choose for you to stay
But a say would have been nice.

You loved me, I'm sorry.
But maybe I loved you too.

I'm done with running in circles to please you
I'm tired of hoping that you're gonna call
Can't hold on much longer, you're just gonna hate me
There's no chance you'll run to me now when you fall
I'm still holding on to what used to be
And I'm waiting for you to say no to me ...
So here's the opportunity.

I didn't know what you were all about
I didn't think that you would walk away so soon
I guess you never even really cared
Don't lie
Say no to me.

I'd give you my heart
But I know it's not enough.

Screwed up relationships keep working when perfect ones explode ...

Once upon a time, there was this girl, who wasn't like most girls her age. She loved music, and being different, but nobody really understood her. She didn't really like herself very much because she thought there was something wrong with her. She felt so alone.

Then she met a boy that completely changed her life.

He was funny, and could ALWAYS make her laugh. He understood her stupid sense of humour, and even laughed at some of her jokes. He was compassionate and accepting to her, which scared her at first because she wasn't used to that. But he trusted her, and she soon learned how to trust him too. He shared his life with her, they talked about everything - music, friends, guitars, clothing. They almost never ran out of things to say. He was always there when she needed to talk, and he ALWAYS made her feel good enough. During some of the hardest times of her life, he was there for her, helping her through it all. He was always on her side, even when her side maybe wasn't the best side to be on. But out of all the wonderful things he did for her, there was one that stood out the most: he taught her how to love, and feel love in return.

You see, love isn't what the say it is. It's not starry eyes and roses. It's NOT a silly little moment. Those are parts of love, responses to it, but love is - fundamentally - so much more.

She learned that love was talking until 3 am and not running out of things to say. She learned that love didn't mean they had to date, or 'like' each other. Love meant falling asleep texting, or standing in a lighting storm for three hours. Love was singing duets and recording them at midnight in his basement. Love meant disagreeing, and sometimes fighting, but always knowing they cared enough to even fight at all. Love puts up with faults, and forgives mistakes. Love doesn't quit.

They've been friends for three years now. They've grown - together AND seperately. They've changed. Their love has changed too. But he's still the only one she can go to with bed head and morning breath, wearing pajamas and no makeup and feel as comfortable and beautiful as if she'd spent 6 hours to look perfect.

He's going off to university now, and she needs him to know she'd die if he ever forgot her. The future's not certain for either of them, and she's scared. But she knows she can face it as long as he's on her side, and she hopes he feels the same way, because if he doesn't, she's just made an idiot of herself by writing this letter.

(And she REALLY doesn't need help in that area.)

I don't think I ever want to win the Nervous Game against you. Please be my friend forever?

Manda <3

Refridgerator Poetry

I was at my cool aunt's for the week and I was restless one evening so I started fiddling with those little word magnet dealies, and this is what I came up with. It comes to you in two parts, the ridiculous first half, and the meaningful second half.

* * * * *

I perform & experiment
NEVER smear paint on miasma
Neo and me see through concrete
Will our metaphor make sense?

Who let metal form music?
It can waste a rhythm they know must be rigid

Here he ate her psychadelic shard sculpture
Cat
I feel electric which is why color could appear
Imagine paint with glorious passion
Throw glass, you would.

* * * * *

Always create from life
Know art, and like some
We think
suffer
break
are mean
try to observe only joy
THAT is balance
See
Hear
Do
Model
Compose
Every subject in harmony through song

* * * * *
Oh, and for the record ...

Miasma: A poisonous atmosphere formerly thought to rise from swamps and putrid matter and cause disease.

Just fyi.

You're my song

Here's another day, almost over
I'm missing out on life again
I should let it go, take a chance now
Gotta try and let you in.

Take the makeup off, feel exposed now
Eyes are windows to the soul
I want to hide away, keep my secret
Should I stay or should I go?

You break me down, you win me over every time
I don't wanna come around from this high
I was so wrong, I need you more and more each day
You're my song.

Haven't posted in forEVER ...

Light up the sky
I know you'll save me from it
I realize
I can't live with or without it
I don't wanna go
I wanna stay here til forever
I don't wanna go

Here in your arms
The world is safe and quiet
No other harms
But my heart beats out a riot
I know I should go
Or I'll want you til forever
I know I should go

Seems your eyes, they shine for me
And your smile, it haunts the things we'll never be
You are strong but you feel weak
Can you speak?

Summer

Parties, late nights
No school, it's cool
How could we want more than this?

No worries, no cares, no stressing
Nothing to tear us from this game
Hide and Seek, with Responsibility

Carefree, nowhere to be
We have nothing holding us back
It's about us for once

We can relax, breathe, just be us
We can stay out late and make mistakes
Because who's going to stop us?

Day and night blend
We see the sun go down and come up
And we grow.

All I've learned
All I've forgotten
Here's to Summer.

I've learned ...

I've learned ... that a single rose says novels more than a dozen.
I've learned ... the art of rubbing things in people's faces.
I've learned ... to make up my own words.
I've learned ... the thrill of having something before everyone else.
I've learned ... that hand-me-down sweaters come factory with healing powers.
I've learned ... that no matter how much of your teenage life you spend wishing you were somewhere else, you'll end up missing home eventually.
I've learned ... to dance to the beat of my own tambourine.
I've learned ... that life never doesn't throw you a curve ball.
I've learned ... that Spell Check is often slightly dumber than we give it credit for.
I've learned ... that Wikipedia has all the answers to Life's questions.
I've learned ... that your clock reading 4:47 a.m. is not an excuse to go to bed, although it is a very mature and responsible way of reminding you.
I've learned ... that I'm not the only one that still sleeps with a teddy.
I've learned ... to colour outside the lines. And man, I've gone pro.
I've learned ... that proper grammar is overrated and for soap operas.
I've learned ... that the amount of minutes you set your clocks ahead by should be equal to the amount of minutes it takes you to get to work plus four.

Morning Song

You are now friends with 5 a.m.
The sun rises in full brilliance
Majestically prowling over the earth

Night is gone ... for now.
Resting stars will soon return
Moonbeams will dance once more

But for now, just the sun
The sun glowing red
orange
yellow
And the sky, an indigo blanket
A fresh dew glistening on the grass
Each little drop perfect

Good morning, Morning
It's been a while :)