I just need to get away from me
I just need to find some peace of mind
Caught in this game of unmet expectations
I want to leave it all behind
I want to be small
I want to be just like a child
I want to be quiet in your arms
And in that moment when I lose myself
Let the world fade away from me
Give me a moment just to seek the silence
I just want to be set free
---
Sorry it's nothing better today. I have a feeling I'll be posting something deeper and more meaningful in the next few days, I have a lot of built up creativity. I want to write because it helps me grow.
Oh, p.s. This is Amanda Falk's Small. I loooove this song.
'Remember what it felt like three months ago.' Oh God. I haven't forgotten. If I can make it through that, I can make it through whatever these demons bring up.
xme
Monday, April 18, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
You perfect little teardrop ...
I don't have words tonight. But I have emotion.
I have so much regret. I never wanted to be this broken. I never asked for it, I never knew my choices could hurt like this. One photo, that's all it takes to break me. In my moment of weakness, I forget who I am, I forget who's fighting for me and my whole heart, and I end up ... here. Wherever here is.
I need constant reassurance that I am not alone. And when I don't have that security, that accountability ... This happens. I fall down, and I need picking back up. So here's my 'pick up':
'The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.'
It's that simple. It doesn't mean I'm fixed, it doesn't mean I'm better, it doesn't mean I'm healed. It means I'm liberated and free and alive, all I have to do is give up my hurts and struggles. The cost of an eternity of satisfaction through the One who loves best is my insecurities. In exchange for my messed up past, I'm going to be freed from all of it. All I have to do is ... be. How can I not love when that's what's loving me first?
Goodnight blog, I'm going to go dive into this more.
xme
I have so much regret. I never wanted to be this broken. I never asked for it, I never knew my choices could hurt like this. One photo, that's all it takes to break me. In my moment of weakness, I forget who I am, I forget who's fighting for me and my whole heart, and I end up ... here. Wherever here is.
I need constant reassurance that I am not alone. And when I don't have that security, that accountability ... This happens. I fall down, and I need picking back up. So here's my 'pick up':
'The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.'
It's that simple. It doesn't mean I'm fixed, it doesn't mean I'm better, it doesn't mean I'm healed. It means I'm liberated and free and alive, all I have to do is give up my hurts and struggles. The cost of an eternity of satisfaction through the One who loves best is my insecurities. In exchange for my messed up past, I'm going to be freed from all of it. All I have to do is ... be. How can I not love when that's what's loving me first?
Goodnight blog, I'm going to go dive into this more.
xme
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Light of His Love
'(8)But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breast plate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. (9)For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. (10)He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. (11)Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.'
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Patience, emotions, and a gentle reminder
Today, I had a female customer in with her little girl, who was probably about four. This little girl was so well behaved while her mother shopped for her husband, son, and self. All totaled, they probably spent about half an hour in the store, and not one negative comment from the little girl. She was respectful, she was quiet, she was polite, and didn't run around making a mess of the store. Not that she was completely silent, by any means, but just a very well-behaved young lady. So when it came time for the mom to pay for her purchases, I commented on the daughter's behavior, telling her that I was very impressed by the little girl's manners. The mother's response was very profound: 'Kids are like any relationship, you only get out of it what you put in. And my husband and I are a team, a good strong place for the kids to come home to. It's about setting a good example.'
I was blown away. I don't know why. But it kinda clicked I think, that I really should be looking for my teammate, my other half. Someone I can be strong with, someone that challenges me to be my best, all the time. I should never feel like he's not worth the fight, or he's not worth the effort. I should always want to be my best with him, and that's something I've never experienced.
I believe marriage IS forever. So why have I wasted so much time dating guys I don't work well with, when I could be finding the one God wants to lead me to? It seems selfish of me to have done that. That maybe, in my past attempts at security, I've kept someone from finding THEIR teammate. God plans out our lives for us ... Why do I keep trying to fight that?
Blah. I've had a that kind of day. Yesterday was a little hard, I had a pretty massive rush of old emotions that just wore me out emotionally. And I think that's okay. It's really only when we're broken that we can be made new, in our weakness that we can develop our strengths. So. I'm (again) vowing to let go and let God - maybe THIS time this lesson will stick.
So my prayer today is for patience. The comprehension that God is God and we are not. Today, I pray for the strength and obedience to wait for the things that I struggle with, because they will come - in God's time, not mine.
xme
I was blown away. I don't know why. But it kinda clicked I think, that I really should be looking for my teammate, my other half. Someone I can be strong with, someone that challenges me to be my best, all the time. I should never feel like he's not worth the fight, or he's not worth the effort. I should always want to be my best with him, and that's something I've never experienced.
I believe marriage IS forever. So why have I wasted so much time dating guys I don't work well with, when I could be finding the one God wants to lead me to? It seems selfish of me to have done that. That maybe, in my past attempts at security, I've kept someone from finding THEIR teammate. God plans out our lives for us ... Why do I keep trying to fight that?
Blah. I've had a that kind of day. Yesterday was a little hard, I had a pretty massive rush of old emotions that just wore me out emotionally. And I think that's okay. It's really only when we're broken that we can be made new, in our weakness that we can develop our strengths. So. I'm (again) vowing to let go and let God - maybe THIS time this lesson will stick.
So my prayer today is for patience. The comprehension that God is God and we are not. Today, I pray for the strength and obedience to wait for the things that I struggle with, because they will come - in God's time, not mine.
xme
Monday, April 4, 2011
Heart Troubles
This is a devotional I read back in February I think, but I flipped to it today by accidentish, soooo. Here we go :)
'So many things can trouble our hearts. Unpaid bills. A frightening medical prognosis. Loss of a job. The death of a loved one. Upcoming surgery. An unexpected move. An argument with a close friend. A savage rumor. A church dispute.
The world is full of 'heart troubles', and it always will be. Yet Jesus does not expect us to deal with those troubles so much by ignoring them as by turning toward Him. As he said to his anxious disciples in John 14:1, 'Trust in God, trust also in me.'
What suffering and persecution and pain and difficulties do is not so much make us weak, as show us we are weak. Without them, we can deceive ourselves into believing we're prizefighters. With them, we're reminded that we're not constructed to function on our own power. the trick is to allow suffering to be used as a tool to help us depend on God and not on ourselves.
God didn't go halfway when he went to work on my behalf. He did it all. Even when I couldn't feel Him, even when I couldn't sense Him, even when I wasn't holding on to Him anymore, God worked on my behalf. He didn't need me to do a thing!
When I faced far worse than my worst imaginings, something unexpected and wonderful happened. I realized that God is in control and God is good - even when bad things happen in our lives.
Even though I didn't know what I might have to go through next, I could rest and accept it. Because now I knew that when I let go, I would fall into the strong hands of God.'
Lately I've had some really big decisions to make - ones that I've never had to make before, or ones I have, but have never had quite the consequences that these may. It's scary, being an adult. It's scary living in a world with wars and skyrocketing prices and natural disasters and abuse and theft and death. Life isn't easy, God never promised us it would be easy, but He DID promise He'd always be there for us to cling to. It's hard realizing that I have nothing to give Him that He could ever want ... But still He wants me anyways. There is a very sharp learning curve of inadequacy in Christ.
Sometimes, it's hard to silence ourselves in today's world. But Exodus 14:14 promises, 'The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.'
That's all for me today. My prayer for today is that our eyes be opened to our misplaced reliance, and learn to rest our eyes on the One that never fails.
xme
'So many things can trouble our hearts. Unpaid bills. A frightening medical prognosis. Loss of a job. The death of a loved one. Upcoming surgery. An unexpected move. An argument with a close friend. A savage rumor. A church dispute.
The world is full of 'heart troubles', and it always will be. Yet Jesus does not expect us to deal with those troubles so much by ignoring them as by turning toward Him. As he said to his anxious disciples in John 14:1, 'Trust in God, trust also in me.'
What suffering and persecution and pain and difficulties do is not so much make us weak, as show us we are weak. Without them, we can deceive ourselves into believing we're prizefighters. With them, we're reminded that we're not constructed to function on our own power. the trick is to allow suffering to be used as a tool to help us depend on God and not on ourselves.
God didn't go halfway when he went to work on my behalf. He did it all. Even when I couldn't feel Him, even when I couldn't sense Him, even when I wasn't holding on to Him anymore, God worked on my behalf. He didn't need me to do a thing!
When I faced far worse than my worst imaginings, something unexpected and wonderful happened. I realized that God is in control and God is good - even when bad things happen in our lives.
Even though I didn't know what I might have to go through next, I could rest and accept it. Because now I knew that when I let go, I would fall into the strong hands of God.'
Lately I've had some really big decisions to make - ones that I've never had to make before, or ones I have, but have never had quite the consequences that these may. It's scary, being an adult. It's scary living in a world with wars and skyrocketing prices and natural disasters and abuse and theft and death. Life isn't easy, God never promised us it would be easy, but He DID promise He'd always be there for us to cling to. It's hard realizing that I have nothing to give Him that He could ever want ... But still He wants me anyways. There is a very sharp learning curve of inadequacy in Christ.
Sometimes, it's hard to silence ourselves in today's world. But Exodus 14:14 promises, 'The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.'
That's all for me today. My prayer for today is that our eyes be opened to our misplaced reliance, and learn to rest our eyes on the One that never fails.
xme
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