I was spoiled yesterday.

I had a great day yesterday, thanks to some amazing people in my life.

Church was wonderful, I'm very glad I went. I attended with my friend and his girlfriend - she hasn't been to church in 5 years! Praise God for that. I am very interested to see how God leads them in their faith together. It was good news to hear that they are attending a college and career group to discover where God wants them in the world. Please pray with me for them in their new relationship :)

After church, I ate lunch - small victory in itself! - and then went over to a Jenessa's place for the afternoon. Her and Tony have been so very instrumental in my life lately, so supportive and loving and compassionate. Just really restoring my faith in people. Plus they have a suuuuuper cute baby. Gotta love babies that make you want to have babies :)

So after hoarding Jenessa forEVER ... okay, not QUITE forever, but a very long time, anyways. Two until, what, ten? Surprised they don't kick me out, but in the end we're all like, 'well, I guess we should go our separate ways now ...' Those are the best friends to spend time with. The ones that make you forget what time it is and how long you've been with them.

Then, coming home to the apartment was so nice. There was some unexpected company waiting for me in the form of Tylerr and Paul. And after fighting with Paul on the food front, Cori and I eventually gave in and let him buy us foods. But that battle isn't over yet, though.

So all in all, aside from the fact that my feet were killing me for the first half of the day - thank you Tony for alleviating that! - I had a good day. No, I had a great day. And I'm hoping to have a few more this week :)

I am starting to realize who my real friends are, who are the ones that care, and who are the ones that don't want me in their lives, no matter how much they say they do. I mean, in the end, you can tell me you want me there, you miss me, you need me in your life, but if you don't prove it? I'm gone. I'm not being a bitch, I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, but anyone who says they care should show it. And to be honest, it's not hard to show me you care. I'm a sucker for the little things - hugs, spontaneous floor picnics, foot rubs. I'm a sucker for flowers, too. Not even like, a whole bouquet even. One time, I'd had a fight with my then boyfriend, and he brought me a rose at work. It wasn't an expensive gift, a few dollars, really, but it was thoughtful. I miss that thoughtfulness behind gifts. Too bad I've only gotten flowers half a dozen times in my life :P

'You know what I hate? People who don't get hints.' Ah man, I just remembered that. And it DOES irritate me. I choose my words very carefully (most times). So when I carefully select a word to use, and the intention is missed? Very frustrating. That's why I sometimes can't believe I've spent as much time around some people in my life as I have. I'm all about words. Just fyi.

Oooookay, this entry's getting stupid long. Friday and Saturday were nights of extreme discomfort for me, and being dragged out of my comfort zone, but I loved every second of it. I'm becoming new. Stick with me, I'll let you know how it goes :)

P.S. Lie of the day today is: 'If someone is hurting I feel obligated to help them out, or at least comfort them in someway.'

xme

Complacency

I've been issued a challenge.

Went to church this morning, it was a really good message. It didn't punch my face off like some sermons do, but it was a soft reminder. The pastor spoke on Jermiah, who was called by God to deliver a message of judgment and grace to the nations. Not that Jermiah wanted to, but God called him, promising His faithfulness in Jerimiah's life.

'They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you.'

That's a big promise. And although God was promising this specific promise to Jerimiah, there are dozens upon dozens of examples of God promising the very same things to us. So why do we sit back and become complacent? Why do we become boring, lackluster followers, just because we haven't seen a giant miracle in a while? I think we need more people like Jerimiah in the world, who call us out on our routines and stagnant faiths. I think it's time we shake our world up a little.

Pray for me, I am feeling spiritually and emotionally exhausted.

xme

For He cares what happens to you

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down, and I can't do this alone
Stay with me
This is what I need, please

Today was my crash day. It had been a few days since I had let the emotions through - Cried for the first time in almost a week. It felt very good and very bad at the same time, if that makes sense.

But it's Thursday, which means new Ray William Johnson, yes, but it also means I'm almost through another week. God provides! He offers small things to us in our time of need to make things a little more bearable. A smile. A new friend. A bowl of orange Jell-O. A cute video game character? Okay, well I'm not sure on that one. But my roommate is playing Twilight Princess and Link is sosososo pretty :)

I don't have much else to say ... Hoping to feel a little better tomorrow when I wake up, so maybe I can have a productive day. And then supper plans, and an evening at the Bunker perhaps.

I'm almost falling asleep writing this. I promise I'll be posting poetry again soonish, I've just hit a bit of a wall when it comes to finishing some of my work. It happens :)

Thanks for stopping by :)
xme

My life is awesome.

Okay, so this is how it went:

Paul: Come on, just try it.
Me: No! I'm not convinced yet.
Paul: *pouts*
Me: You've already pouted enough, it doesn't work anymore. You want me to give in? Get Tony to pout at me. He's got a tough pouty face.
Paul: *sighs* Okay. *dials Tony*
Me: *LOLS*
Paul: *finishes phone call* Alright, I'll be right back.
Me: *facepalm*
Paul: *returns with Tony*
Tony: Come on, Manda. Just ... do it. It's not that bad.
Me: No! I'm sticking to this!
Tony: *pouts*
Me: D'aaaaaw ^.^ ...
Tony: *continues pouting*
Paul: *pouts also*
Me: FINE! I'LL DO IT!
Tony: *engulfs me in a hug*
Paul: Welcome to World of Warcraft!

Soooo. I've just agreed to start playing WoW. Great. Goodbye social life. OHWAIT. Most of my social life already involves hanging out with people that play WoW ... Yay ... ?

Alright kids. Nothing more to post today, besides the awesomeness that just ensued. Also, if you pray, please pray for my friend, who is going through a very life changing time now. Thank you!

xme

Patience, my child

This is what I am being tested on: my incapacity for patience. Waiting for healing, waiting for strength, waiting for my knight in shining armour. I'm not good at patience, and that is why I am needing so much lately ... I am being tested.

I am constantly being dragged back to Ecclesiastes 3:

(1) There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: (2) a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, (3) a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, (4) a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, (5) a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, (6) a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, (7) a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, (8) a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. (11) He has made everything beautiful in it's time.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, 11, NIV

This has always been one of my favorite passages. There is a time for EVERYTHING. There is not just a time to be good and another time to be good. There's a time for the good AND the bad. For suffering and healing, for hurting, for battles with self and society, for comfort, for growth. It's opened my eyes and reminded me that this life I'm living, yeah, it's a mess right now. I'm lost and most days, I feel like I'm wandering around blindly, but the Maker has a plan for me and my broken little existence.

Doesn't always make the hard days easier though. And after a few good days in a row, I knew the crash was coming. So if you see me today, and I look a little down? It's because my God has been gracious enough to give me three emotionally good days in a row. So if you see me today, please smile at me. I need a little brightness today.

Again, as always, thanks so much for reading, readers. It really means the world that you care.

xme

PS. WHILE WE'RE ON THE TOPIC OF PATIENCE. I am struggling greatly with my anticipation of February 6th. What is February 6th? Glee returns <3

On Betrayal

Cut me deep
Toss me out
I'll survive
This loveless drought.

Cast me off
Draw me in
I'll forgive
Your little sin.

Fall apart
Let me down
Only smile
Never frown.

You're a fake
I'm for real
Showing what
I really feel.

You're alone
I'm alive
Please, my God
Help me survive.

Saturday

I love you
I need you
Like a thousand times before
Wonder why
I hate you
But I'll scream and ask for more
I only wanted your attention
At least the hate is some connection
But hey,
It's just another Saturday.

How Do You Know It's Not True?

The two older ones were really beginning to think that Lucy was out of her mind. They stood in the passage talking about it in whispers long after she had gone to bed.

The result was the next morning they decided that they really would go and tell the whole thing to the Professor. 'He'll write to Father if he thinks there is really something wrong with Lu,' said Peter; 'it's getting beyond us.' So they went and knocked at the study door, and the Professor said 'Come in,' and got up and found chairs for them and said he was quite at their disposal. Then he sat listening to them with the tips of his fingers pressed together and never interrupting, till they had finished the whole story. After that he said nothing for quite a long time. Then he cleared his throat and said the last thing either of them expected:

'How do you know,' he asked, 'that your sister's story is not true?'

'Oh, but-' began Susan, and then stopped. Anyone could see from the old man's face that he was perfectly serious. Then Susan pulled herself together and said, 'But Edmund said they had only been pretending.'

'That is a point,' said the Professor, 'which certainly deserves consideration; very careful consideration. For instance - if you will excuse me for asking the question - does your experience lead you to regard your brother or your sister as the more reliable? I mean, which is more truthful?'

'That's just the funny thing about it, sir,' said Peter. 'Up till now, I'd have said Lucy every time.'

'And what do you think, my dear?' said the Professor, turning to Susan.

'Well,' said Susan, 'in general, I'd say the same as Peter, but this couldn't be true - all this about the wood and the Faun.'

'That is more than I know,' said the Professor, 'and a charge of lying against someone whom you have always found truthful is a very serious thing; a very serious thing indeed.'

'We were afraid it mightn't even be lying,' said Susan; 'we thought there might be something wrong with Lucy.'

'Madness, you mean?' said the Professor quite coolly. 'Oh, you can make your minds easy about that. One has only to look at her and talk to her to see that she is not mad.'

'But then,' said Susan, and stopped. She had never dreamed that a grown-up would talk like the Professor and didn't know what to think.

'Logic!' said the Professor, half to himself. 'Why don't they teach logic at these schools? There are only three possibilities. Either your sister is telling lies, or she is mad, or she is telling the truth. You know she doesn't tell lies and it is obvious that she is not mad. For the moment then and unless any further evidence turns up, we must assume that she is telling the truth.'

-The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis

This is an excerpt from a book that my roommate bought me for Christmas, it's called A Year With Aslan. It's a sort of daily reflections thing from the Chronicles of Narnia books, which I ADORE.

Aaaaanyways. This has brought about some questions in my own life. In the end, I suppose things are either this way, or that way, or potentially one other way. Not 'black or white', per se, because that would leave room for a third option (grey), but more of a set of options. In the end, the facts are the facts, is what my dad always tells me. So to translate this new found knowledge into my own life:

I move in the near future.
I move in the distant future.
I do not move.

Alright, that's straightforward enough. What has given ME the right to rule out options? Why am I allowing my brain to cancel out certain circumstances, purely based on their obscurity? How do I know it's not true? Let's see if I can find some more.

He is untruthful, and aware of it.
He is untruthful, and unaware of it.
He is truthful.

This is a good exercise. I will have to put this into practice more often, I believe. It's a definitely refreshing way of looking at the world - makes it look less intimidating. It makes the choices we face seem less daunting and frightening. So from here on in, I will try to look at situations in my life objectively. I will work towards handling choices with logic, which, unfortunately, most schools DO NOT teach.

But I should wrap this up. It's been too long of a post anyways, and I need to get to sleep. I will either sleep well, sleep poorly, or not sleep at all. Thanks for reading my crazed rantings again. Much love <3

xme

Dark post: 'The End'

'I can't believe I loved you for this long ...'

She turned, and with a strength she did not feel, wrenched the door open aggressively. She hesitated. Waiting for his apologies, waiting for his protest. Waiting for him to break. But she could feel her own existence crumbling, had to escape before the waves of emotion reduced her to nothing. She could not let him see her fall apart.

It took what seemed like hours - no, days - to take the steps away from him. She could feel herself going numb, could feel herself shutting down. One step, two steps. Oh God. Save me. Three steps. Her hand on the door knob keeping her upright, the cold metal reminding her of his cold heart. The tension she could feel in her own soul finally reached the breaking point, and bile rose up her throat as the long, deep tear began.

She felt the tears streaming down her face, her heart successfully torn in two. Love did this. This is what Love caused. This is how Love, eventually, felt. It was nice for a while, sure. But in the end, this was what remained. So she did what she should have done from the beginning, finally listening to her long-ignored, screaming instincts.

She ran.

She ran with everything left in her shattering spirit, ran with every fragment of strength she had left. Kept running until she was as far away from him as she could manage at that moment, and collapsed.

The door closed quietly behind her, with a note of finality, and that was that. No words, no movement, just a world frozen in it's weakest moment. Just Silence. But oh, how that silence resounded.

I won't let you in, let you see me cry
I can't give you that satisfaction this time
Do you really get what you need,
Beating the hell out of me?
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor
I won't take this anymore

Leaving

This is not how I imagined leaving you.

I always figured it would be something dramatic, like some whirlwind movie romance collapsing, some insurmountable obstacle to sever our perfect bond. It would be Life, placing some exponential amount of space between us, or Death, dragging the last breath from ragged lungs.

But by choice? Never by choice.

It wasn't always like this, you know that. And in the beginning we showed promise. We were together, a team, like all the successful ones are at first. We talked and smiled and cried together. We loved. We never doubted one another. We were like a deep rooted set of poetry, flowing, cascading. We just ... Worked.

But as we know now, all good things must come to an end. Happiness doesn't last. Forevers change, and we became such a statistic. Fighting and hurting one another. Spiteful words and vicious glances. We didn't need to be that aggressive. But we were. We ARE.

And now ... There's nothing left to fight for.

Teh new post!

Hey readers! Another lunchtime post today ... Sorry I didn't post over the weekend, it's just been a little crazy lately! I've got a few really great opportunities right now, and I'm just waiting to see if any of them fall together for me - trying to be optimistic but a realist at the same time. It's hard sometimes, being positive in the midst of so much negativity. But I'm got so many great people around me who are SO supportive, and that's meant the world to me :) I'd appreciate prayers for guidance for those of you that pray, and continued support from those of you that don't :)

Now on to the artsy stuff! There's really no context for this poem ... Just kind of wrote it. I'm not 100% on it, so don't be surprised if I end up rewriting it later :P
---
I talked you into it
Before you were ready
I talked you out of it again
With false ideals and promises of loyalty

Loyalty.
Betrayal.
You never know how far you've fallen
Until you have to get back up again.

I want to run away
And find someplace new
I have to leave
I have to grow
I have to move on
And no one's going to make it any easier
No one can make my choices for me.

I am not a sheep.
I don't follow things
I don't follow people

I would have followed you.

Life is very long.

Round and round
Cyclone of emotions
You're going to miss me, I promise.

And I keep my promises.

Sprite was right :)

So I'm writing this at work ... I won't post it for a few hours, but I'm on my lunch break and have realizing lately how many people actually read my writing. It's so flattering! I've been using it lately as a coping method for some of the things in my life right now, but I've started to see how much more it actually is to me. If I keep myself accountable to something - even if it's just an internet journal - I feel like I have purpose. It's a very nice thing to feel, especially over the last few weeks.

So if you've been following my writing lately, I'm so grateful. Thanks for your time. Thanks for your respect. Thanks for your strength. If you're just picking up on this now, thanks as well :)

So this one isn't finished yet ... I started it on Wednesday and just couldn't seem to get any farther than this. I need to go see one of my song writing friends, I need some help with this one.
---
Fight all you want
For what reasons you choose
Give up too soon
And we're through
The one thing I want
And the one you won't give
The respect to admit
I'm a hard drug to quit
I'm a prize
And you're lost without me
But I'll fight on my own
Because I have grown
And I'm better off with you in the past
---
Alright well. I'm out. Back to another day of unpacking and folding and selling jeans.

Everything you do is like me ...

I have had a non-productive day.

Well hey there, you lovely readers :)

So this is like, the first time I've actually blogged in forever. Wanna know what's going on in my life? Well here we go.

So I'm at kind of a fork in the road of my life lately. I'm going to be graduating this June, and I'm veeeeery excited about that. Not sure what I want to do afterward, kind of just letting God lead me where He wants me. I've got a ton of options so far, it's really awesome actually.

Otherwise. I've been stalking Ray William Johnson lately. No big deal or anything, I've just got about the hugest YouTube crush on him ever. Which everyone says is kinda dumb, BUT. My dear friend Tylerr and his girlfriend Adi met through YouTube, and they've been together for almost two years now :P

I wish I could vlog all my emotions like a lot of people have been lately. I've been following a bunch of people on YouTube - DAVE. START VLOGGING AGAIN. - and it seems like such a cool thing to do. But I guess I'll just stick to using my words and stuff, and see what happens :)

I need a new camera so I can start posting pictures too. And actually, while we're at it, a functioning computer would be epic too. But I'm still waiting for a bedroom at the apartment here - Lulz. If anyone chats with my roommates, make sure you hound them about that :D

Also, one more shameless plug before I go - Blogger's really a great site. It's easy to use and so simple to set up and it's a great way to share your emotions. I know it sounds like I'm selling out a little, but I'm not, I swear. I'm generally the one that mopes and complains about people that do that :)

Well, I'm off to do ... well. Something. Maybe get the pizza going. I'm mopey and kinda sickish today, looks like a night in with the girls.

Thanks for reading!
xme

Words are not required

That's really all I wanna say right now. Sorry it's not more exciting. Keep checking back though, maybe I'll post my New Year's entry one of these days :)

xme

Goodnight?

Me: *snuggled up on the couch, ready for sleep* 'Goodnight Paul!'
Paul: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Cori!'
Cori: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Shay!'
Shay: 'Kettle.' *offers electric kettle*
-----
God, thank you for the lunatics I call my friends <3

Two Pieces

Sometimes, things are best when they are separate. I believe this poem is one of them. I'm trying to post once a day ... Been doing alright so far :D

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS: Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read the deranged rantings of an almost not-teenage girl! It's appreciated to know that so many of you support my writing. This blog has been so healing for me over the past little while, and I just want to stop and make sure I'm acknowledging everyone who supports it, and how much it means!

You've been removed
To be replaced with only empty space
I'm mature enough
To know that sometimes that's what it takes

I deserve more
Than always doubting who I am with you
This is my fate
I'm strong enough to make it through

-----

I am uncertain
I am shaken
I am lost
I am hurt

But I laugh
I smile
I live my life
I move on

Perhaps for now it is a mask
Painting on this beauty
To disguise the flaws within

I will not let the past hold me down
I will rise above this
I will grow

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!

We are the only humans to ever live in 2011, and once it's gone, no one will ever live in it again. Let's live this year to it's fullest potential, and be grateful for what we've been blessed with. ~ Jeff Boschmann

The last year of my life has been spent running as far and as hard as I can - in the wrong direction. I've been running from my Creator, chasing dreams I was not ready to pursue. But the Maker has spent the last year preparing me to be brought back to Him - He has brought the people into my life that I need now. He has arranged my life to ensure this blow is the gentlest and softest it can possibly be. Where I didn't want anything to do with Him, He was waiting patiently, biding His time, preparing me for this fall.

So. Do I fight for what I've lost? Or do I trust that God is pulling this from my life for a reason? I need ... Guidance. This burden is too much for me alone. I'm done being independent! I'm done fighting this fight by myself! I need my Savior, and I need the people He's placed in my life!

Thank You for this hurt, Father, for I know I will grow through it. Bring me even closer to You. You created me for a purpose, please reveal Your plan to me. Prepare me for where You want me to go and I'll try my best to follow without questions. Thank you for being so good to me!

It's just another stage

It's just another stage.
You're just another actor in my twisted play.
You're replaceable,
Expendable,
Irrelevant.

I'm in control.
This is MY show.
It's a shame it had to fall apart like this.
You were a good little pawn.
But now,
I suppose,
You're someone else's pet.

We are not equals.
We never were.
I made mistakes, yes,
But I made them so we would be on the same level
Instead of how it is now.

I'm better off now,
Without you.

And it must be hard to be so perfect.
So flawless.
So good.
So right.
So righteous.

Your reputation is so very clean,
You're pure and upstanding.
It would be a shame to tarnish that.
What would everyone say?

You need fixing?
I don't.
I was fixed when you left.

Fly

This one isn't finished ... I'm not sure where it's going yet. It's about freedom, which is a feeling I haven't had in a very long time. Just freedom to be myself, to grow in the way that's best for me, and no one else. It's a scary freedom, because I've gone so long without it. So I pulled that aspect in, too. I guess I'm just going to let go, and let God. He's who finishes so many of my songs when I get stuck.

Looks like I'll wake up to another morning
Looks like I'll get another chance
Looks like I've got another day for singing
Looks like I've got a brand new dance
If Life could be that simple ...

Looks like another day to find out who I am
And I just don't know where to start
But I've got all the world around me singing
This song that starts in your own heart

It's not that hard
To spread your wings and try
Hold your breath
Count to ten and jump
Trust your own design
Leave fear behind
Embrace your dreams and fly

Looks like another night to cry myself to sleep
Looks like I'm on my own again
Looks like I've got another to compete
Looks like this game just never ends

This is how a heart breaks

She staggers out of dreams.
Sleep is done.
All alone, she is dark and cold.
So many emotions -
Fear.
Longing.
Betrayal.
Love.
Loneliness.
Frustration.
Desperation.
So mixed.
So divided.
But so sure of what she craves.

The past hangs over her like a building storm.
She still holds onto hope.
Hope that love will persevere.
Hope of mistakes forgiven.
Hope the pain will ease.

Thirst for love.
Need for love.

She can't go day by day;
Each day is so overwhelming.
So she survives hour by hour.
And when that is too much,
Minute by minute.
Breath by breath.
It is a struggle.
Not that there is NO reason to live,
But that the best one,
The one she never expected,
May be lost.

Cynicism breeds mistrust,
Where love spawns reliance.
She never meant to share this much,
Never meant to give her heart away.

Love is not safe.

i vent in angsty poetry

Break up, make up
But with another girl
Wake up, trade up
Two years ... gone?

Hold up, shut up
Two days? Too soon
Get up, give up
Bail like all the rest

Lit up, dressed up
Shows a lot of skin
One up, messed up
Is this worth the price?

Lights will guide you home ...

I promise I'll be better
I promise I'll be strong
I promise I'll support you
I promise I'll hold on

I'll always stand by your side
I promise you that much
I promise I'll fall deeper
I'll always crave your touch

I'm always going to need you
I'm always going to try
I'll sit up late just waiting
To lay with you at night

You'll always be my challenge
You'll always be my prize
I'll always love the feeling
Of drowning in your eyes