Worst. Day.

You know those days that start off bad, and then continually get worse throughout the day? That was today. It was like ... having a cold wasn't enough. Everything else had to go wrong too. And now here I am, at the end of the day, wondering why the fuck I even got out of bed today. Facebook asked me earlier, 'what's on your mind?' and I responded with 'you don't want to know what's on my mind, Facebook. Trust me.'

I don't want to be an adult anymore.

I want someone else to handle things for me. I want them to tell me when to get up, what to do, where to go throughout my day. I want them to tell me what time to be home, and where to park the van. I want someone to instruct me on what needs to be done before I go to sleep - 'don't forget to brush your teeth', they'll say. That's what I want. Because then, there won't be any unexpected surprises. Nothing will jump out at me and say 'HA! Gotcha, Manda. What are you going to do now?' Because every detail of my life will be planned out for me. No unknowns.

If there was ever a horrible day to give me bad news ... today was it. Thanks a lot, Life, for making me realize that even when you're having a horrible day, there's always a way to make it just a little worse.

I always knew Fate was a cold-hearted whore.

HANNAH MONTANA IS ENDING.

I love how I'm locked out of my own effing laptop. Great.

You're still my muse.

You still piss me off.
You still make me laugh.
You still intrigue me.
You're still in my heart.
You still steal the show.
I still want your blue sweater.
I still want your approval.
You're still an ass.
I still remember your songs.
I still want a hug.
You still don't matter.
I still want to write with you.
I still haven't said my piece.
I'll still defend you.
I'm still hurt.
I still love your car.
You still clean up well.
I'm still your biggest fan.
I'm still your harshest critic.
I still lie to you.
You still think he's better.
I'm still happy.
You're still conceited.
You're still my muse.


It's almost like nothing's changed ...
But you'll still never read this.

I'm in rough shape today.

This is an old one that I just didn't want to post until now. I dunno. I've been sitting on it for a while and I guess tonight's just one of those nights when I don't care who reads it. I doubt it'll be read by who I wrote it for anyways :)

- - - - -

I bet you're dreaming of her eyes
I bet you're wishing she was here with you
Instead of me
I bet you want to hold her tight
And when you're holding me, I'm second best
An adequacy

Even though I gave my all for you
And there's no one who's gonna love you like I do
There is nothing anyone can do
Cause still you're dreaming of ... her.

I bet you're thinking about her smile
About the way it lights up every room
That's she's ever in
And you would go the extra mile
To see her happy and to know she's smiling
At you again

It never matters what I do at all
Cause there's no one who can save me from this fall
Our picture's hanging on my wall
But you're just thinking of her.

Why did I have to let you into my heart?
And who can I rely on now that you're gone?
The night will come
And I'll fall asleep with you in my dreams
Like the night before the night it all went wrong.

- - - - -

That's all I've got today, sorry. Maybe I'll finish this later. I wish I could sing through it without crying though ...

Things I am thankful for:

I was reading over a friend's blog and came across a post where she detailed things she was thankful for. Now, a lot of times, I just write up my songs or something like that, and sometimes they're pretty negative. So I figured I'd share some of the things that make me HAPPY in life. You know, just for a change of pace :)

- - - - -

1) God:

I know God is not present in this blog as much as he should be. But He is what sustains me, and gives me everything else on this list. He is my life, and I have to start focusing on that more.

2) Adrian:

I have been blessed with a wonderful man. He is loving, and supportive, and compassionate, and accepting, and I don't know where I would be right now without him. I'm always afraid of him forgetting that I love him, or that his smile brightens up my day, or his eyes make me melt into a little puddle on the floor, but those are all very true things. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my support system.

3) My jobs:

Yes, some days my life is overwhelming. I work at two different jobs, and on weeks I get full hours at both, I work six days, and sometimes as high as 50 hours. I'm eighteen years old and still used to sitting in school all day ... It can be stressful. BUT. I'm eighteen years old, without a highschool diploma, and have somehow managed to get two wonderful jobs working for two fantastic bosses. Heartland is always a challenge; it keeps me on my toes and is NEVER the same. Shopper's is my dream job; I get paid to talk about makeup! How could I ever complain about them?

4) My roommates:

This is something I've been taking for granted lately. I have three amazing roommates who've always got my back. Yes, we disagree, and yes, there are occasional fights, but in the end, they're so great to live with.

5) My friends:

I am not friends with all the people I thought I'd still be close to right now. Which is sad, but you know what? People change. It's no one's fault. And as much as I sometimes wish they were still in my life, I can't undo the past. I am wholly and incomparably grateful for the friends I do have in my life, they are part of what keeps me going.

This one relates a little to the next one ...

6) My past:

I am thankful for my past.

I have made mistakes, yes. Some giant, resounding, horrible ones, too, I might add. BUT. They have shaped me. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to grow and mature, even if some of them were emotionally and mentally challenging. Everyone screws up. Learn from it.

7) My country:

I live in a good place. I have enough food in my cupboards, I have heat in my house, and I can work, live, and worship where and how I wish. God bless Canada!

- - - - -

I think you get the gist. I just thought I should really sit down and think about some of the good things in my life, instead of being negative all the time. I mean, what's the point anyways?

Peace in the Middle East.

P.S. Erin, if you happen to read this, I miss you like crazy, and I kind of want you home right now. Kthanks.

New song ... Again?

It's in my head as a Selena Gomez - Falling Down meets Paramore - Emergency. Weird, I know ... Whatever. It's not like I'll ever record it :P

- - - - -

Heart stops, I'm dropped
By the way that you speak
Wild ride, all around
But you don't even know me

I'm not
Gonna sit back and take it
Cause this life's gonna
Take you out

You're a wreck, you're a mess
But you think you're the best
If it's you, then it's gotta be true
In the give, and the take
You are fading away
But you're not pulling me in
Cause you're gonna fall down

Fast car, fast lane
There's something about you
Your eyes, your smile
It's like you didn't notice

I gave
Everything I could
And you just walked on by

(Someday you will see)
See what you did to me
(Someday you will know)
This is how it's gotta go

One day worlds are gonna collide
And I won't be standing by your side
If you want to run, well now's your chance
Now's your chance ...

- - - - -

There you go. Hope you're all having a great Valentine's Day!

There's nothing left to prove

There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
There's nothing in between
You know the truth

Nothing left to face,
Nothing left to lose,
But nothing takes your place.

I deleted you out of my life more than you deleted me. You tried, but failed, because you're so afraid of looking like a jerk. You don't have to try and save face anymore, cause I'm gone. I'll leave you alone now.

But just so we're clear ... I've won.

So much for the showdown ...

It never should have come to this. I don't know who let who down but really. We've failed. I have fallen down, and I can't do this alone. I feel like I was wrong when I said I could survive without you. And I've never been so angry as when I saw you were with her. I know I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't get a knot in my stomach when I see your name. I shouldn't hate driving past your house. I shouldn't despise the music you used to talk to me about. Because it's not like you did anything wrong. You were always perfect, weren't you? Always right. Always the goddamn center of attention. Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, someone else was more deserving? That someone else wanted the spotlight? No, you never did. It was always your stage. And to hell with anyone who tried to share it with you.

I think it would be alright if you were amazing. But when it comes right down to it, when the lights come up and the crowd leaves, you're really nothing special. I used to believe you were. I thought the sun and the moon and the stars hung themselves in the sky purely for your enjoyment. Morning was a reflection of your smile, night was the sun's rest from beholding your beauty. And I always hoped you would look upon me and be able to find me satisfactory. I desperately wanted to be good enough for you. And you would be blind to miss the attempts I made. But somehow, after all I did for you, nothing was deemed adequate, and I have been thrown out and forgotten, like yesterday's news.

One day, once you've grown up and realized that the universe was not created for your amusement, I hope you'll be able to see me as a person, not a prop. Maybe, someone will use you as you used me, and you'll understand the pain of being worthless in another's eyes. But until then ... Goodbye. You can try and replace me, but you never will. No one will ever fight as hard for you as I did.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's not like you'll ever read it anyways. Thanks for never giving a damn.

10 things about Manda:

I do not put makeup on to feel pretty, I put makeup on to feel creative.
I am a perpetual train wreck.
My eyes change color: green to grey to blue depending on the day.
I am indecisive to a fault.
I have a scar on my right index finger knuckle from a cheese grater.
I am an excellent liar.
My favorite color is GOSH Extreme Art Eyeliner in 11.
I drive a soccer mom van. His name is Charlie.
I have never pumped my own gas.
This whole 'growing up' business is beating the snot out of me.

Advice

'There are warning markers in our history books, written down so that we don't repeat their mistakes. Our positions in the story are parallel - they at the beginning, we at the end - and we are just as capable of messing it up as they were. Don't be so naive and self-confident. You're not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it's useless.'

010//11-1201CORINTHIANS

I'm reading The Message. It's a good book.