The two older ones were really beginning to think that Lucy was out of her mind. They stood in the passage talking about it in whispers long after she had gone to bed.
The result was the next morning they decided that they really would go and tell the whole thing to the Professor. 'He'll write to Father if he thinks there is really something wrong with Lu,' said Peter; 'it's getting beyond us.' So they went and knocked at the study door, and the Professor said 'Come in,' and got up and found chairs for them and said he was quite at their disposal. Then he sat listening to them with the tips of his fingers pressed together and never interrupting, till they had finished the whole story. After that he said nothing for quite a long time. Then he cleared his throat and said the last thing either of them expected:
'How do you know,' he asked, 'that your sister's story is not true?'
'Oh, but-' began Susan, and then stopped. Anyone could see from the old man's face that he was perfectly serious. Then Susan pulled herself together and said, 'But Edmund said they had only been pretending.'
'That is a point,' said the Professor, 'which certainly deserves consideration; very careful consideration. For instance - if you will excuse me for asking the question - does your experience lead you to regard your brother or your sister as the more reliable? I mean, which is more truthful?'
'That's just the funny thing about it, sir,' said Peter. 'Up till now, I'd have said Lucy every time.'
'And what do you think, my dear?' said the Professor, turning to Susan.
'Well,' said Susan, 'in general, I'd say the same as Peter, but this couldn't be true - all this about the wood and the Faun.'
'That is more than I know,' said the Professor, 'and a charge of lying against someone whom you have always found truthful is a very serious thing; a very serious thing indeed.'
'We were afraid it mightn't even be lying,' said Susan; 'we thought there might be something wrong with Lucy.'
'Madness, you mean?' said the Professor quite coolly. 'Oh, you can make your minds easy about that. One has only to look at her and talk to her to see that she is not mad.'
'But then,' said Susan, and stopped. She had never dreamed that a grown-up would talk like the Professor and didn't know what to think.
'Logic!' said the Professor, half to himself. 'Why don't they teach logic at these schools? There are only three possibilities. Either your sister is telling lies, or she is mad, or she is telling the truth. You know she doesn't tell lies and it is obvious that she is not mad. For the moment then and unless any further evidence turns up, we must assume that she is telling the truth.'
-The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis
This is an excerpt from a book that my roommate bought me for Christmas, it's called A Year With Aslan. It's a sort of daily reflections thing from the Chronicles of Narnia books, which I ADORE.
Aaaaanyways. This has brought about some questions in my own life. In the end, I suppose things are either this way, or that way, or potentially one other way. Not 'black or white', per se, because that would leave room for a third option (grey), but more of a set of options. In the end, the facts are the facts, is what my dad always tells me. So to translate this new found knowledge into my own life:
I move in the near future.
I move in the distant future.
I do not move.
Alright, that's straightforward enough. What has given ME the right to rule out options? Why am I allowing my brain to cancel out certain circumstances, purely based on their obscurity? How do I know it's not true? Let's see if I can find some more.
He is untruthful, and aware of it.
He is untruthful, and unaware of it.
He is truthful.
This is a good exercise. I will have to put this into practice more often, I believe. It's a definitely refreshing way of looking at the world - makes it look less intimidating. It makes the choices we face seem less daunting and frightening. So from here on in, I will try to look at situations in my life objectively. I will work towards handling choices with logic, which, unfortunately, most schools DO NOT teach.
But I should wrap this up. It's been too long of a post anyways, and I need to get to sleep. I will either sleep well, sleep poorly, or not sleep at all. Thanks for reading my crazed rantings again. Much love <3
xme
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Dark post: 'The End'
'I can't believe I loved you for this long ...'
She turned, and with a strength she did not feel, wrenched the door open aggressively. She hesitated. Waiting for his apologies, waiting for his protest. Waiting for him to break. But she could feel her own existence crumbling, had to escape before the waves of emotion reduced her to nothing. She could not let him see her fall apart.
It took what seemed like hours - no, days - to take the steps away from him. She could feel herself going numb, could feel herself shutting down. One step, two steps. Oh God. Save me. Three steps. Her hand on the door knob keeping her upright, the cold metal reminding her of his cold heart. The tension she could feel in her own soul finally reached the breaking point, and bile rose up her throat as the long, deep tear began.
She felt the tears streaming down her face, her heart successfully torn in two. Love did this. This is what Love caused. This is how Love, eventually, felt. It was nice for a while, sure. But in the end, this was what remained. So she did what she should have done from the beginning, finally listening to her long-ignored, screaming instincts.
She ran.
She ran with everything left in her shattering spirit, ran with every fragment of strength she had left. Kept running until she was as far away from him as she could manage at that moment, and collapsed.
The door closed quietly behind her, with a note of finality, and that was that. No words, no movement, just a world frozen in it's weakest moment. Just Silence. But oh, how that silence resounded.
I won't let you in, let you see me cry
I can't give you that satisfaction this time
Do you really get what you need,
Beating the hell out of me?
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor
I won't take this anymore
She turned, and with a strength she did not feel, wrenched the door open aggressively. She hesitated. Waiting for his apologies, waiting for his protest. Waiting for him to break. But she could feel her own existence crumbling, had to escape before the waves of emotion reduced her to nothing. She could not let him see her fall apart.
It took what seemed like hours - no, days - to take the steps away from him. She could feel herself going numb, could feel herself shutting down. One step, two steps. Oh God. Save me. Three steps. Her hand on the door knob keeping her upright, the cold metal reminding her of his cold heart. The tension she could feel in her own soul finally reached the breaking point, and bile rose up her throat as the long, deep tear began.
She felt the tears streaming down her face, her heart successfully torn in two. Love did this. This is what Love caused. This is how Love, eventually, felt. It was nice for a while, sure. But in the end, this was what remained. So she did what she should have done from the beginning, finally listening to her long-ignored, screaming instincts.
She ran.
She ran with everything left in her shattering spirit, ran with every fragment of strength she had left. Kept running until she was as far away from him as she could manage at that moment, and collapsed.
The door closed quietly behind her, with a note of finality, and that was that. No words, no movement, just a world frozen in it's weakest moment. Just Silence. But oh, how that silence resounded.
I won't let you in, let you see me cry
I can't give you that satisfaction this time
Do you really get what you need,
Beating the hell out of me?
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor
I won't take this anymore
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Leaving
This is not how I imagined leaving you.
I always figured it would be something dramatic, like some whirlwind movie romance collapsing, some insurmountable obstacle to sever our perfect bond. It would be Life, placing some exponential amount of space between us, or Death, dragging the last breath from ragged lungs.
But by choice? Never by choice.
It wasn't always like this, you know that. And in the beginning we showed promise. We were together, a team, like all the successful ones are at first. We talked and smiled and cried together. We loved. We never doubted one another. We were like a deep rooted set of poetry, flowing, cascading. We just ... Worked.
But as we know now, all good things must come to an end. Happiness doesn't last. Forevers change, and we became such a statistic. Fighting and hurting one another. Spiteful words and vicious glances. We didn't need to be that aggressive. But we were. We ARE.
And now ... There's nothing left to fight for.
I always figured it would be something dramatic, like some whirlwind movie romance collapsing, some insurmountable obstacle to sever our perfect bond. It would be Life, placing some exponential amount of space between us, or Death, dragging the last breath from ragged lungs.
But by choice? Never by choice.
It wasn't always like this, you know that. And in the beginning we showed promise. We were together, a team, like all the successful ones are at first. We talked and smiled and cried together. We loved. We never doubted one another. We were like a deep rooted set of poetry, flowing, cascading. We just ... Worked.
But as we know now, all good things must come to an end. Happiness doesn't last. Forevers change, and we became such a statistic. Fighting and hurting one another. Spiteful words and vicious glances. We didn't need to be that aggressive. But we were. We ARE.
And now ... There's nothing left to fight for.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Teh new post!
Hey readers! Another lunchtime post today ... Sorry I didn't post over the weekend, it's just been a little crazy lately! I've got a few really great opportunities right now, and I'm just waiting to see if any of them fall together for me - trying to be optimistic but a realist at the same time. It's hard sometimes, being positive in the midst of so much negativity. But I'm got so many great people around me who are SO supportive, and that's meant the world to me :) I'd appreciate prayers for guidance for those of you that pray, and continued support from those of you that don't :)
Now on to the artsy stuff! There's really no context for this poem ... Just kind of wrote it. I'm not 100% on it, so don't be surprised if I end up rewriting it later :P
---
I talked you into it
Before you were ready
I talked you out of it again
With false ideals and promises of loyalty
Loyalty.
Betrayal.
You never know how far you've fallen
Until you have to get back up again.
I want to run away
And find someplace new
I have to leave
I have to grow
I have to move on
And no one's going to make it any easier
No one can make my choices for me.
I am not a sheep.
I don't follow things
I don't follow people
I would have followed you.
Life is very long.
Round and round
Cyclone of emotions
You're going to miss me, I promise.
And I keep my promises.
Now on to the artsy stuff! There's really no context for this poem ... Just kind of wrote it. I'm not 100% on it, so don't be surprised if I end up rewriting it later :P
---
I talked you into it
Before you were ready
I talked you out of it again
With false ideals and promises of loyalty
Loyalty.
Betrayal.
You never know how far you've fallen
Until you have to get back up again.
I want to run away
And find someplace new
I have to leave
I have to grow
I have to move on
And no one's going to make it any easier
No one can make my choices for me.
I am not a sheep.
I don't follow things
I don't follow people
I would have followed you.
Life is very long.
Round and round
Cyclone of emotions
You're going to miss me, I promise.
And I keep my promises.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Sprite was right :)
So I'm writing this at work ... I won't post it for a few hours, but I'm on my lunch break and have realizing lately how many people actually read my writing. It's so flattering! I've been using it lately as a coping method for some of the things in my life right now, but I've started to see how much more it actually is to me. If I keep myself accountable to something - even if it's just an internet journal - I feel like I have purpose. It's a very nice thing to feel, especially over the last few weeks.
So if you've been following my writing lately, I'm so grateful. Thanks for your time. Thanks for your respect. Thanks for your strength. If you're just picking up on this now, thanks as well :)
So this one isn't finished yet ... I started it on Wednesday and just couldn't seem to get any farther than this. I need to go see one of my song writing friends, I need some help with this one.
---
Fight all you want
For what reasons you choose
Give up too soon
And we're through
The one thing I want
And the one you won't give
The respect to admit
I'm a hard drug to quit
I'm a prize
And you're lost without me
But I'll fight on my own
Because I have grown
And I'm better off with you in the past
---
Alright well. I'm out. Back to another day of unpacking and folding and selling jeans.
Everything you do is like me ...
So if you've been following my writing lately, I'm so grateful. Thanks for your time. Thanks for your respect. Thanks for your strength. If you're just picking up on this now, thanks as well :)
So this one isn't finished yet ... I started it on Wednesday and just couldn't seem to get any farther than this. I need to go see one of my song writing friends, I need some help with this one.
---
Fight all you want
For what reasons you choose
Give up too soon
And we're through
The one thing I want
And the one you won't give
The respect to admit
I'm a hard drug to quit
I'm a prize
And you're lost without me
But I'll fight on my own
Because I have grown
And I'm better off with you in the past
---
Alright well. I'm out. Back to another day of unpacking and folding and selling jeans.
Everything you do is like me ...
Monday, January 10, 2011
I have had a non-productive day.
Well hey there, you lovely readers :)
So this is like, the first time I've actually blogged in forever. Wanna know what's going on in my life? Well here we go.
So I'm at kind of a fork in the road of my life lately. I'm going to be graduating this June, and I'm veeeeery excited about that. Not sure what I want to do afterward, kind of just letting God lead me where He wants me. I've got a ton of options so far, it's really awesome actually.
Otherwise. I've been stalking Ray William Johnson lately. No big deal or anything, I've just got about the hugest YouTube crush on him ever. Which everyone says is kinda dumb, BUT. My dear friend Tylerr and his girlfriend Adi met through YouTube, and they've been together for almost two years now :P
I wish I could vlog all my emotions like a lot of people have been lately. I've been following a bunch of people on YouTube - DAVE. START VLOGGING AGAIN. - and it seems like such a cool thing to do. But I guess I'll just stick to using my words and stuff, and see what happens :)
I need a new camera so I can start posting pictures too. And actually, while we're at it, a functioning computer would be epic too. But I'm still waiting for a bedroom at the apartment here - Lulz. If anyone chats with my roommates, make sure you hound them about that :D
Also, one more shameless plug before I go - Blogger's really a great site. It's easy to use and so simple to set up and it's a great way to share your emotions. I know it sounds like I'm selling out a little, but I'm not, I swear. I'm generally the one that mopes and complains about people that do that :)
Well, I'm off to do ... well. Something. Maybe get the pizza going. I'm mopey and kinda sickish today, looks like a night in with the girls.
Thanks for reading!
xme
So this is like, the first time I've actually blogged in forever. Wanna know what's going on in my life? Well here we go.
So I'm at kind of a fork in the road of my life lately. I'm going to be graduating this June, and I'm veeeeery excited about that. Not sure what I want to do afterward, kind of just letting God lead me where He wants me. I've got a ton of options so far, it's really awesome actually.
Otherwise. I've been stalking Ray William Johnson lately. No big deal or anything, I've just got about the hugest YouTube crush on him ever. Which everyone says is kinda dumb, BUT. My dear friend Tylerr and his girlfriend Adi met through YouTube, and they've been together for almost two years now :P
I wish I could vlog all my emotions like a lot of people have been lately. I've been following a bunch of people on YouTube - DAVE. START VLOGGING AGAIN. - and it seems like such a cool thing to do. But I guess I'll just stick to using my words and stuff, and see what happens :)
I need a new camera so I can start posting pictures too. And actually, while we're at it, a functioning computer would be epic too. But I'm still waiting for a bedroom at the apartment here - Lulz. If anyone chats with my roommates, make sure you hound them about that :D
Also, one more shameless plug before I go - Blogger's really a great site. It's easy to use and so simple to set up and it's a great way to share your emotions. I know it sounds like I'm selling out a little, but I'm not, I swear. I'm generally the one that mopes and complains about people that do that :)
Well, I'm off to do ... well. Something. Maybe get the pizza going. I'm mopey and kinda sickish today, looks like a night in with the girls.
Thanks for reading!
xme
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Words are not required
That's really all I wanna say right now. Sorry it's not more exciting. Keep checking back though, maybe I'll post my New Year's entry one of these days :)
xme
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Goodnight?
Me: *snuggled up on the couch, ready for sleep* 'Goodnight Paul!'
Paul: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Cori!'
Cori: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Shay!'
Shay: 'Kettle.' *offers electric kettle*
-----
God, thank you for the lunatics I call my friends <3
Paul: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Cori!'
Cori: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Shay!'
Shay: 'Kettle.' *offers electric kettle*
-----
God, thank you for the lunatics I call my friends <3
Friday, January 7, 2011
Two Pieces
Sometimes, things are best when they are separate. I believe this poem is one of them. I'm trying to post once a day ... Been doing alright so far :D
TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS: Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read the deranged rantings of an almost not-teenage girl! It's appreciated to know that so many of you support my writing. This blog has been so healing for me over the past little while, and I just want to stop and make sure I'm acknowledging everyone who supports it, and how much it means!
You've been removed
To be replaced with only empty space
I'm mature enough
To know that sometimes that's what it takes
I deserve more
Than always doubting who I am with you
This is my fate
I'm strong enough to make it through
-----
I am uncertain
I am shaken
I am lost
I am hurt
But I laugh
I smile
I live my life
I move on
Perhaps for now it is a mask
Painting on this beauty
To disguise the flaws within
I will not let the past hold me down
I will rise above this
I will grow
TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS: Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read the deranged rantings of an almost not-teenage girl! It's appreciated to know that so many of you support my writing. This blog has been so healing for me over the past little while, and I just want to stop and make sure I'm acknowledging everyone who supports it, and how much it means!
You've been removed
To be replaced with only empty space
I'm mature enough
To know that sometimes that's what it takes
I deserve more
Than always doubting who I am with you
This is my fate
I'm strong enough to make it through
-----
I am uncertain
I am shaken
I am lost
I am hurt
But I laugh
I smile
I live my life
I move on
Perhaps for now it is a mask
Painting on this beauty
To disguise the flaws within
I will not let the past hold me down
I will rise above this
I will grow
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!
We are the only humans to ever live in 2011, and once it's gone, no one will ever live in it again. Let's live this year to it's fullest potential, and be grateful for what we've been blessed with. ~ Jeff Boschmann
The last year of my life has been spent running as far and as hard as I can - in the wrong direction. I've been running from my Creator, chasing dreams I was not ready to pursue. But the Maker has spent the last year preparing me to be brought back to Him - He has brought the people into my life that I need now. He has arranged my life to ensure this blow is the gentlest and softest it can possibly be. Where I didn't want anything to do with Him, He was waiting patiently, biding His time, preparing me for this fall.
So. Do I fight for what I've lost? Or do I trust that God is pulling this from my life for a reason? I need ... Guidance. This burden is too much for me alone. I'm done being independent! I'm done fighting this fight by myself! I need my Savior, and I need the people He's placed in my life!
Thank You for this hurt, Father, for I know I will grow through it. Bring me even closer to You. You created me for a purpose, please reveal Your plan to me. Prepare me for where You want me to go and I'll try my best to follow without questions. Thank you for being so good to me!
The last year of my life has been spent running as far and as hard as I can - in the wrong direction. I've been running from my Creator, chasing dreams I was not ready to pursue. But the Maker has spent the last year preparing me to be brought back to Him - He has brought the people into my life that I need now. He has arranged my life to ensure this blow is the gentlest and softest it can possibly be. Where I didn't want anything to do with Him, He was waiting patiently, biding His time, preparing me for this fall.
So. Do I fight for what I've lost? Or do I trust that God is pulling this from my life for a reason? I need ... Guidance. This burden is too much for me alone. I'm done being independent! I'm done fighting this fight by myself! I need my Savior, and I need the people He's placed in my life!
Thank You for this hurt, Father, for I know I will grow through it. Bring me even closer to You. You created me for a purpose, please reveal Your plan to me. Prepare me for where You want me to go and I'll try my best to follow without questions. Thank you for being so good to me!
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