Words are not required

That's really all I wanna say right now. Sorry it's not more exciting. Keep checking back though, maybe I'll post my New Year's entry one of these days :)

xme

Goodnight?

Me: *snuggled up on the couch, ready for sleep* 'Goodnight Paul!'
Paul: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Cori!'
Cori: 'Goodnight Manda.'
Me: 'Goodnight Shay!'
Shay: 'Kettle.' *offers electric kettle*
-----
God, thank you for the lunatics I call my friends <3

Two Pieces

Sometimes, things are best when they are separate. I believe this poem is one of them. I'm trying to post once a day ... Been doing alright so far :D

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS: Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read the deranged rantings of an almost not-teenage girl! It's appreciated to know that so many of you support my writing. This blog has been so healing for me over the past little while, and I just want to stop and make sure I'm acknowledging everyone who supports it, and how much it means!

You've been removed
To be replaced with only empty space
I'm mature enough
To know that sometimes that's what it takes

I deserve more
Than always doubting who I am with you
This is my fate
I'm strong enough to make it through

-----

I am uncertain
I am shaken
I am lost
I am hurt

But I laugh
I smile
I live my life
I move on

Perhaps for now it is a mask
Painting on this beauty
To disguise the flaws within

I will not let the past hold me down
I will rise above this
I will grow

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!

We are the only humans to ever live in 2011, and once it's gone, no one will ever live in it again. Let's live this year to it's fullest potential, and be grateful for what we've been blessed with. ~ Jeff Boschmann

The last year of my life has been spent running as far and as hard as I can - in the wrong direction. I've been running from my Creator, chasing dreams I was not ready to pursue. But the Maker has spent the last year preparing me to be brought back to Him - He has brought the people into my life that I need now. He has arranged my life to ensure this blow is the gentlest and softest it can possibly be. Where I didn't want anything to do with Him, He was waiting patiently, biding His time, preparing me for this fall.

So. Do I fight for what I've lost? Or do I trust that God is pulling this from my life for a reason? I need ... Guidance. This burden is too much for me alone. I'm done being independent! I'm done fighting this fight by myself! I need my Savior, and I need the people He's placed in my life!

Thank You for this hurt, Father, for I know I will grow through it. Bring me even closer to You. You created me for a purpose, please reveal Your plan to me. Prepare me for where You want me to go and I'll try my best to follow without questions. Thank you for being so good to me!

It's just another stage

It's just another stage.
You're just another actor in my twisted play.
You're replaceable,
Expendable,
Irrelevant.

I'm in control.
This is MY show.
It's a shame it had to fall apart like this.
You were a good little pawn.
But now,
I suppose,
You're someone else's pet.

We are not equals.
We never were.
I made mistakes, yes,
But I made them so we would be on the same level
Instead of how it is now.

I'm better off now,
Without you.

And it must be hard to be so perfect.
So flawless.
So good.
So right.
So righteous.

Your reputation is so very clean,
You're pure and upstanding.
It would be a shame to tarnish that.
What would everyone say?

You need fixing?
I don't.
I was fixed when you left.

Fly

This one isn't finished ... I'm not sure where it's going yet. It's about freedom, which is a feeling I haven't had in a very long time. Just freedom to be myself, to grow in the way that's best for me, and no one else. It's a scary freedom, because I've gone so long without it. So I pulled that aspect in, too. I guess I'm just going to let go, and let God. He's who finishes so many of my songs when I get stuck.

Looks like I'll wake up to another morning
Looks like I'll get another chance
Looks like I've got another day for singing
Looks like I've got a brand new dance
If Life could be that simple ...

Looks like another day to find out who I am
And I just don't know where to start
But I've got all the world around me singing
This song that starts in your own heart

It's not that hard
To spread your wings and try
Hold your breath
Count to ten and jump
Trust your own design
Leave fear behind
Embrace your dreams and fly

Looks like another night to cry myself to sleep
Looks like I'm on my own again
Looks like I've got another to compete
Looks like this game just never ends

This is how a heart breaks

She staggers out of dreams.
Sleep is done.
All alone, she is dark and cold.
So many emotions -
Fear.
Longing.
Betrayal.
Love.
Loneliness.
Frustration.
Desperation.
So mixed.
So divided.
But so sure of what she craves.

The past hangs over her like a building storm.
She still holds onto hope.
Hope that love will persevere.
Hope of mistakes forgiven.
Hope the pain will ease.

Thirst for love.
Need for love.

She can't go day by day;
Each day is so overwhelming.
So she survives hour by hour.
And when that is too much,
Minute by minute.
Breath by breath.
It is a struggle.
Not that there is NO reason to live,
But that the best one,
The one she never expected,
May be lost.

Cynicism breeds mistrust,
Where love spawns reliance.
She never meant to share this much,
Never meant to give her heart away.

Love is not safe.

i vent in angsty poetry

Break up, make up
But with another girl
Wake up, trade up
Two years ... gone?

Hold up, shut up
Two days? Too soon
Get up, give up
Bail like all the rest

Lit up, dressed up
Shows a lot of skin
One up, messed up
Is this worth the price?

Lights will guide you home ...

I promise I'll be better
I promise I'll be strong
I promise I'll support you
I promise I'll hold on

I'll always stand by your side
I promise you that much
I promise I'll fall deeper
I'll always crave your touch

I'm always going to need you
I'm always going to try
I'll sit up late just waiting
To lay with you at night

You'll always be my challenge
You'll always be my prize
I'll always love the feeling
Of drowning in your eyes

Maybe someone reads this after all?

I'm going to level with you: lately, I've felt like no one really cares about what I blog about. I'm just another average, small town teenager with all the same drama as everyone else. My songs are lame, my poems don't rhyme, and my pictures look like Amateur Photography 101 assignments. That's what I've been feeling lately.

But tonight, I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a while, who encouraged me to keep writing. 'Your words inspire me', she said. Well, then I'd like to keep inspiring her. And even if she's the only one that ever reads this, it'll be worth it, to know that I've inspired even one person. I was touched and uplifted more than I have been in quite a while.

So. Where is Life taking me now? Well, I quit at Heartland about six weeks back. For several reasons, really. One, Heartland deserved a better waitress, with practice, and more than one shift a week to improve; and two, I deserve a job that I enjoy going to, and I wasn't getting that. So that leaves me with Shopper's, at 35 hours a week, and for now, I'm okay with that.

(But I'm thinking of applying at Warehouse One, because a) it would be a sweet gig, and b) the manager is sososososo cute. But shh, don't tell my wonderful boyfriend :P )

Otherwise, Grad season was busy. Six graduation ceremonies and eleven makeup appointments excluding my own for the three grads I escorted too. It was a great week. Exhausting - physically, emotionally, and mentally - but so much fun it should have been illegal ... Not that any of it was ;) And now when I go to a formal event, I have three more pretty dresses to choose from. Because what girl doesn't want pretty dresses?

Adrian's at camp this week, and that means basically no contact for the week. Not cool. I'll survive though. And it's Teen's Camp, which he looooves. He'll have an amazing weekend, so I can live :)

But my dad just brought me some ice cream - Bryer's Vanilla Bean Double Churned - and I have a feeling it'll feel egregiously delightful on my poor sore throat. I had a sore throat already and then I went and cheered excessively at a wrestling match last night ... Not smart. Ah well. All my favorites won :)

Going mini golfing tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. This is earlier than I've gone to bed in quite some time. Without having to work early, that is. Peace out all.

xme