It's just another stage

It's just another stage.
You're just another actor in my twisted play.
You're replaceable,
Expendable,
Irrelevant.

I'm in control.
This is MY show.
It's a shame it had to fall apart like this.
You were a good little pawn.
But now,
I suppose,
You're someone else's pet.

We are not equals.
We never were.
I made mistakes, yes,
But I made them so we would be on the same level
Instead of how it is now.

I'm better off now,
Without you.

And it must be hard to be so perfect.
So flawless.
So good.
So right.
So righteous.

Your reputation is so very clean,
You're pure and upstanding.
It would be a shame to tarnish that.
What would everyone say?

You need fixing?
I don't.
I was fixed when you left.

Fly

This one isn't finished ... I'm not sure where it's going yet. It's about freedom, which is a feeling I haven't had in a very long time. Just freedom to be myself, to grow in the way that's best for me, and no one else. It's a scary freedom, because I've gone so long without it. So I pulled that aspect in, too. I guess I'm just going to let go, and let God. He's who finishes so many of my songs when I get stuck.

Looks like I'll wake up to another morning
Looks like I'll get another chance
Looks like I've got another day for singing
Looks like I've got a brand new dance
If Life could be that simple ...

Looks like another day to find out who I am
And I just don't know where to start
But I've got all the world around me singing
This song that starts in your own heart

It's not that hard
To spread your wings and try
Hold your breath
Count to ten and jump
Trust your own design
Leave fear behind
Embrace your dreams and fly

Looks like another night to cry myself to sleep
Looks like I'm on my own again
Looks like I've got another to compete
Looks like this game just never ends

This is how a heart breaks

She staggers out of dreams.
Sleep is done.
All alone, she is dark and cold.
So many emotions -
Fear.
Longing.
Betrayal.
Love.
Loneliness.
Frustration.
Desperation.
So mixed.
So divided.
But so sure of what she craves.

The past hangs over her like a building storm.
She still holds onto hope.
Hope that love will persevere.
Hope of mistakes forgiven.
Hope the pain will ease.

Thirst for love.
Need for love.

She can't go day by day;
Each day is so overwhelming.
So she survives hour by hour.
And when that is too much,
Minute by minute.
Breath by breath.
It is a struggle.
Not that there is NO reason to live,
But that the best one,
The one she never expected,
May be lost.

Cynicism breeds mistrust,
Where love spawns reliance.
She never meant to share this much,
Never meant to give her heart away.

Love is not safe.

i vent in angsty poetry

Break up, make up
But with another girl
Wake up, trade up
Two years ... gone?

Hold up, shut up
Two days? Too soon
Get up, give up
Bail like all the rest

Lit up, dressed up
Shows a lot of skin
One up, messed up
Is this worth the price?

Lights will guide you home ...

I promise I'll be better
I promise I'll be strong
I promise I'll support you
I promise I'll hold on

I'll always stand by your side
I promise you that much
I promise I'll fall deeper
I'll always crave your touch

I'm always going to need you
I'm always going to try
I'll sit up late just waiting
To lay with you at night

You'll always be my challenge
You'll always be my prize
I'll always love the feeling
Of drowning in your eyes

Maybe someone reads this after all?

I'm going to level with you: lately, I've felt like no one really cares about what I blog about. I'm just another average, small town teenager with all the same drama as everyone else. My songs are lame, my poems don't rhyme, and my pictures look like Amateur Photography 101 assignments. That's what I've been feeling lately.

But tonight, I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a while, who encouraged me to keep writing. 'Your words inspire me', she said. Well, then I'd like to keep inspiring her. And even if she's the only one that ever reads this, it'll be worth it, to know that I've inspired even one person. I was touched and uplifted more than I have been in quite a while.

So. Where is Life taking me now? Well, I quit at Heartland about six weeks back. For several reasons, really. One, Heartland deserved a better waitress, with practice, and more than one shift a week to improve; and two, I deserve a job that I enjoy going to, and I wasn't getting that. So that leaves me with Shopper's, at 35 hours a week, and for now, I'm okay with that.

(But I'm thinking of applying at Warehouse One, because a) it would be a sweet gig, and b) the manager is sososososo cute. But shh, don't tell my wonderful boyfriend :P )

Otherwise, Grad season was busy. Six graduation ceremonies and eleven makeup appointments excluding my own for the three grads I escorted too. It was a great week. Exhausting - physically, emotionally, and mentally - but so much fun it should have been illegal ... Not that any of it was ;) And now when I go to a formal event, I have three more pretty dresses to choose from. Because what girl doesn't want pretty dresses?

Adrian's at camp this week, and that means basically no contact for the week. Not cool. I'll survive though. And it's Teen's Camp, which he looooves. He'll have an amazing weekend, so I can live :)

But my dad just brought me some ice cream - Bryer's Vanilla Bean Double Churned - and I have a feeling it'll feel egregiously delightful on my poor sore throat. I had a sore throat already and then I went and cheered excessively at a wrestling match last night ... Not smart. Ah well. All my favorites won :)

Going mini golfing tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. This is earlier than I've gone to bed in quite some time. Without having to work early, that is. Peace out all.

xme

HEDLEY IS SO AWESOME.

Seriously. If you ever have the chance to go see them live, do it. My wonderful amazing boyfriend took me to see them and MY GOODNESS are they phenomenal live :) Kay, so I'm posting from my Blackberry, and that's nice to have that now :) Posting on the go, woot!

But I basically just wanted to brag about having one of the new Blackberry Curves ... Mmm trackpad :) ... And see if this stuff works :) Which it clearly does! Yay!

Kpeace <3

Worst. Day.

You know those days that start off bad, and then continually get worse throughout the day? That was today. It was like ... having a cold wasn't enough. Everything else had to go wrong too. And now here I am, at the end of the day, wondering why the fuck I even got out of bed today. Facebook asked me earlier, 'what's on your mind?' and I responded with 'you don't want to know what's on my mind, Facebook. Trust me.'

I don't want to be an adult anymore.

I want someone else to handle things for me. I want them to tell me when to get up, what to do, where to go throughout my day. I want them to tell me what time to be home, and where to park the van. I want someone to instruct me on what needs to be done before I go to sleep - 'don't forget to brush your teeth', they'll say. That's what I want. Because then, there won't be any unexpected surprises. Nothing will jump out at me and say 'HA! Gotcha, Manda. What are you going to do now?' Because every detail of my life will be planned out for me. No unknowns.

If there was ever a horrible day to give me bad news ... today was it. Thanks a lot, Life, for making me realize that even when you're having a horrible day, there's always a way to make it just a little worse.

I always knew Fate was a cold-hearted whore.

HANNAH MONTANA IS ENDING.

I love how I'm locked out of my own effing laptop. Great.

You're still my muse.

You still piss me off.
You still make me laugh.
You still intrigue me.
You're still in my heart.
You still steal the show.
I still want your blue sweater.
I still want your approval.
You're still an ass.
I still remember your songs.
I still want a hug.
You still don't matter.
I still want to write with you.
I still haven't said my piece.
I'll still defend you.
I'm still hurt.
I still love your car.
You still clean up well.
I'm still your biggest fan.
I'm still your harshest critic.
I still lie to you.
You still think he's better.
I'm still happy.
You're still conceited.
You're still my muse.


It's almost like nothing's changed ...
But you'll still never read this.