i vent in angsty poetry

Break up, make up
But with another girl
Wake up, trade up
Two years ... gone?

Hold up, shut up
Two days? Too soon
Get up, give up
Bail like all the rest

Lit up, dressed up
Shows a lot of skin
One up, messed up
Is this worth the price?

Lights will guide you home ...

I promise I'll be better
I promise I'll be strong
I promise I'll support you
I promise I'll hold on

I'll always stand by your side
I promise you that much
I promise I'll fall deeper
I'll always crave your touch

I'm always going to need you
I'm always going to try
I'll sit up late just waiting
To lay with you at night

You'll always be my challenge
You'll always be my prize
I'll always love the feeling
Of drowning in your eyes

Maybe someone reads this after all?

I'm going to level with you: lately, I've felt like no one really cares about what I blog about. I'm just another average, small town teenager with all the same drama as everyone else. My songs are lame, my poems don't rhyme, and my pictures look like Amateur Photography 101 assignments. That's what I've been feeling lately.

But tonight, I got a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a while, who encouraged me to keep writing. 'Your words inspire me', she said. Well, then I'd like to keep inspiring her. And even if she's the only one that ever reads this, it'll be worth it, to know that I've inspired even one person. I was touched and uplifted more than I have been in quite a while.

So. Where is Life taking me now? Well, I quit at Heartland about six weeks back. For several reasons, really. One, Heartland deserved a better waitress, with practice, and more than one shift a week to improve; and two, I deserve a job that I enjoy going to, and I wasn't getting that. So that leaves me with Shopper's, at 35 hours a week, and for now, I'm okay with that.

(But I'm thinking of applying at Warehouse One, because a) it would be a sweet gig, and b) the manager is sososososo cute. But shh, don't tell my wonderful boyfriend :P )

Otherwise, Grad season was busy. Six graduation ceremonies and eleven makeup appointments excluding my own for the three grads I escorted too. It was a great week. Exhausting - physically, emotionally, and mentally - but so much fun it should have been illegal ... Not that any of it was ;) And now when I go to a formal event, I have three more pretty dresses to choose from. Because what girl doesn't want pretty dresses?

Adrian's at camp this week, and that means basically no contact for the week. Not cool. I'll survive though. And it's Teen's Camp, which he looooves. He'll have an amazing weekend, so I can live :)

But my dad just brought me some ice cream - Bryer's Vanilla Bean Double Churned - and I have a feeling it'll feel egregiously delightful on my poor sore throat. I had a sore throat already and then I went and cheered excessively at a wrestling match last night ... Not smart. Ah well. All my favorites won :)

Going mini golfing tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. This is earlier than I've gone to bed in quite some time. Without having to work early, that is. Peace out all.

xme

HEDLEY IS SO AWESOME.

Seriously. If you ever have the chance to go see them live, do it. My wonderful amazing boyfriend took me to see them and MY GOODNESS are they phenomenal live :) Kay, so I'm posting from my Blackberry, and that's nice to have that now :) Posting on the go, woot!

But I basically just wanted to brag about having one of the new Blackberry Curves ... Mmm trackpad :) ... And see if this stuff works :) Which it clearly does! Yay!

Kpeace <3

Worst. Day.

You know those days that start off bad, and then continually get worse throughout the day? That was today. It was like ... having a cold wasn't enough. Everything else had to go wrong too. And now here I am, at the end of the day, wondering why the fuck I even got out of bed today. Facebook asked me earlier, 'what's on your mind?' and I responded with 'you don't want to know what's on my mind, Facebook. Trust me.'

I don't want to be an adult anymore.

I want someone else to handle things for me. I want them to tell me when to get up, what to do, where to go throughout my day. I want them to tell me what time to be home, and where to park the van. I want someone to instruct me on what needs to be done before I go to sleep - 'don't forget to brush your teeth', they'll say. That's what I want. Because then, there won't be any unexpected surprises. Nothing will jump out at me and say 'HA! Gotcha, Manda. What are you going to do now?' Because every detail of my life will be planned out for me. No unknowns.

If there was ever a horrible day to give me bad news ... today was it. Thanks a lot, Life, for making me realize that even when you're having a horrible day, there's always a way to make it just a little worse.

I always knew Fate was a cold-hearted whore.

HANNAH MONTANA IS ENDING.

I love how I'm locked out of my own effing laptop. Great.

You're still my muse.

You still piss me off.
You still make me laugh.
You still intrigue me.
You're still in my heart.
You still steal the show.
I still want your blue sweater.
I still want your approval.
You're still an ass.
I still remember your songs.
I still want a hug.
You still don't matter.
I still want to write with you.
I still haven't said my piece.
I'll still defend you.
I'm still hurt.
I still love your car.
You still clean up well.
I'm still your biggest fan.
I'm still your harshest critic.
I still lie to you.
You still think he's better.
I'm still happy.
You're still conceited.
You're still my muse.


It's almost like nothing's changed ...
But you'll still never read this.

I'm in rough shape today.

This is an old one that I just didn't want to post until now. I dunno. I've been sitting on it for a while and I guess tonight's just one of those nights when I don't care who reads it. I doubt it'll be read by who I wrote it for anyways :)

- - - - -

I bet you're dreaming of her eyes
I bet you're wishing she was here with you
Instead of me
I bet you want to hold her tight
And when you're holding me, I'm second best
An adequacy

Even though I gave my all for you
And there's no one who's gonna love you like I do
There is nothing anyone can do
Cause still you're dreaming of ... her.

I bet you're thinking about her smile
About the way it lights up every room
That's she's ever in
And you would go the extra mile
To see her happy and to know she's smiling
At you again

It never matters what I do at all
Cause there's no one who can save me from this fall
Our picture's hanging on my wall
But you're just thinking of her.

Why did I have to let you into my heart?
And who can I rely on now that you're gone?
The night will come
And I'll fall asleep with you in my dreams
Like the night before the night it all went wrong.

- - - - -

That's all I've got today, sorry. Maybe I'll finish this later. I wish I could sing through it without crying though ...

Things I am thankful for:

I was reading over a friend's blog and came across a post where she detailed things she was thankful for. Now, a lot of times, I just write up my songs or something like that, and sometimes they're pretty negative. So I figured I'd share some of the things that make me HAPPY in life. You know, just for a change of pace :)

- - - - -

1) God:

I know God is not present in this blog as much as he should be. But He is what sustains me, and gives me everything else on this list. He is my life, and I have to start focusing on that more.

2) Adrian:

I have been blessed with a wonderful man. He is loving, and supportive, and compassionate, and accepting, and I don't know where I would be right now without him. I'm always afraid of him forgetting that I love him, or that his smile brightens up my day, or his eyes make me melt into a little puddle on the floor, but those are all very true things. He is my best friend, my confidant, and my support system.

3) My jobs:

Yes, some days my life is overwhelming. I work at two different jobs, and on weeks I get full hours at both, I work six days, and sometimes as high as 50 hours. I'm eighteen years old and still used to sitting in school all day ... It can be stressful. BUT. I'm eighteen years old, without a highschool diploma, and have somehow managed to get two wonderful jobs working for two fantastic bosses. Heartland is always a challenge; it keeps me on my toes and is NEVER the same. Shopper's is my dream job; I get paid to talk about makeup! How could I ever complain about them?

4) My roommates:

This is something I've been taking for granted lately. I have three amazing roommates who've always got my back. Yes, we disagree, and yes, there are occasional fights, but in the end, they're so great to live with.

5) My friends:

I am not friends with all the people I thought I'd still be close to right now. Which is sad, but you know what? People change. It's no one's fault. And as much as I sometimes wish they were still in my life, I can't undo the past. I am wholly and incomparably grateful for the friends I do have in my life, they are part of what keeps me going.

This one relates a little to the next one ...

6) My past:

I am thankful for my past.

I have made mistakes, yes. Some giant, resounding, horrible ones, too, I might add. BUT. They have shaped me. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had to grow and mature, even if some of them were emotionally and mentally challenging. Everyone screws up. Learn from it.

7) My country:

I live in a good place. I have enough food in my cupboards, I have heat in my house, and I can work, live, and worship where and how I wish. God bless Canada!

- - - - -

I think you get the gist. I just thought I should really sit down and think about some of the good things in my life, instead of being negative all the time. I mean, what's the point anyways?

Peace in the Middle East.

P.S. Erin, if you happen to read this, I miss you like crazy, and I kind of want you home right now. Kthanks.

New song ... Again?

It's in my head as a Selena Gomez - Falling Down meets Paramore - Emergency. Weird, I know ... Whatever. It's not like I'll ever record it :P

- - - - -

Heart stops, I'm dropped
By the way that you speak
Wild ride, all around
But you don't even know me

I'm not
Gonna sit back and take it
Cause this life's gonna
Take you out

You're a wreck, you're a mess
But you think you're the best
If it's you, then it's gotta be true
In the give, and the take
You are fading away
But you're not pulling me in
Cause you're gonna fall down

Fast car, fast lane
There's something about you
Your eyes, your smile
It's like you didn't notice

I gave
Everything I could
And you just walked on by

(Someday you will see)
See what you did to me
(Someday you will know)
This is how it's gotta go

One day worlds are gonna collide
And I won't be standing by your side
If you want to run, well now's your chance
Now's your chance ...

- - - - -

There you go. Hope you're all having a great Valentine's Day!